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Movies based on videogames don’t have the best track record. We can think of one or two that are actually good, maybe a few more that are acceptably mediocre, but in general they’re awful piles of shit. And if there’s one man who’s added to that problem more than anyone else, it’s Uwe Boll.
Over the course of his prolific career, Boll (whose first name is pronounced “oovah”) has been responsible for no fewer than six videogame-to-movie adaptations. All six feature cheesy dialogue, shitty acting and (with a couple of exceptions) a total lack of knowledge as to where to put a camera during an action scene, and all six have earned the vehement hatred of seemingly every gamer on the internet.
Above: The director challenges his critics
However, it’s also clear from reading comments that a lot of you aren’t actually watching the movies you profess to hate. And that’s no good – taking advice from critics is all well and fine, but can you really claim to hate a man’s work without having seen it?
Of course you can’t. But we’ve sat through all six of his videogame movies – twice - so we're totally qualified to hate them. To give you an idea of what you’re missing by staying the hell away whenever a Boll joint is released, we’ve compiled a list of what we consider the absolute worst scenes he’s ever produced. Bear in mind that we’re not judging the man or his filmmaking ability (in the interest of fairness, we also checked out one of Boll’s earlier, non-videogame films, Heart of America, which was OK); we’re just giving you an idea of what you’re up against.
The game: A farmer becomes a powerful adventurer who wanders around diverse landscapes with a friendly mule, hacking monsters to death and stealing their loot.
The movie: A farmer named Farmer gets swept up in a war with savage, thinly veiled Orc stand-ins called “Krug,” which we know were in the game so shut up. After he wanders around fake landscapes with a friendly Ron Perlman, hacking the same rubber monster to death over and over again to avenge his family, he’s eventually made king by Burt Reynolds.
The worst scene: In the Name of the King is probably the closest thing Uwe Boll has ever produced to a good videogame movie, although that’s not to say it’s a good movie by any stretch. The main directive seems to have been “make Lord of the Rings, but stupid.” Beautifully executed CG effects clash with men in lifeless rubber suits. Otherwise competent action scenes (a Boll first!) rarely carry any weight or meaning, because the heroes are all mega-badasses and the bad guys have trouble walking in a straight line. The whole thing is held together only by the charm of its wildly inappropriate cast, who - despite being mostly talented - nonetheless hand in the worst performances of their careers.
Above: Seriously, Burt Reynolds?
The best examples of this are Matthew Lillard and Ray Liotta, who play villains Duke Fallow and Gallian, respectively. Lillard spazzes and gurns his way through every appearance, clearly trying to eat as much scenery as possible before it’s taken away, while Liotta does his best impression of a block of wood with bipolar disorder.
Above: This about sums up his whole performance
Above: So does this
However, it’s the moments when the two are together onscreen that are pure gold, assuming you love watching two grown men aggressively competing to see who can deliver awful dialogue with less skill. The scene we’ve chosen here happens fairly early in the film, but it’s the best example of what happens when these two get together – and therefore, it’s the most awe-inspiringly terrible scene in the entire movie: