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The Top 7... Worst scenes in Uwe Boll movies

Movies based on videogames don’t have the best track record. We can think of one or two that are actually good, maybe a few more that are acceptably mediocre, but in general they’re awful piles of shit. And if there’s one man who’s added to that problem more than anyone else, it’s Uwe Boll.

Over the course of his prolific career, Boll (whose first name is pronounced “oovah”) has been responsible for no fewer than six videogame-to-movie adaptations. All six feature cheesy dialogue, shitty acting and (with a couple of exceptions) a total lack of knowledge as to where to put a camera during an action scene, and all six have earned the vehement hatred of seemingly every gamer on the internet.


Above: The director challenges his critics 

However, it’s also clear from reading comments that a lot of you aren’t actually watching the movies you profess to hate. And that’s no good – taking advice from critics is all well and fine, but can you really claim to hate a man’s work without having seen it?

Of course you can’t. But we’ve sat through all six of his videogame movies – twice - so we're totally qualified to hate them. To give you an idea of what you’re missing by staying the hell away whenever a Boll joint is released, we’ve compiled a list of what we consider the absolute worst scenes he’s ever produced. Bear in mind that we’re not judging the man or his filmmaking ability (in the interest of fairness, we also checked out one of Boll’s earlier, non-videogame films, Heart of America, which was OK); we’re just giving  you an idea of what you’re up against.

 

The game: A farmer becomes a powerful adventurer who wanders around diverse landscapes with a friendly mule, hacking monsters to death and stealing their loot.

 

The movie: A farmer named Farmer gets swept up in a war with savage, thinly veiled Orc stand-ins called “Krug,” which we know were in the game so shut up. After he wanders around fake landscapes with a friendly Ron Perlman, hacking the same rubber monster to death over and over again to avenge his family, he’s eventually made king by Burt Reynolds.


 
The worst scene: In the Name of the King is probably the closest thing Uwe Boll has ever produced to a good videogame movie, although that’s not to say it’s a good movie by any stretch. The main directive seems to have been “make Lord of the Rings, but stupid.” Beautifully executed CG effects clash with men in lifeless rubber suits. Otherwise competent action scenes (a Boll first!) rarely carry any weight or meaning, because the heroes are all mega-badasses and the bad guys have trouble walking in a straight line. The whole thing is held together only by the charm of its wildly inappropriate cast, who - despite being mostly talented - nonetheless hand in the worst performances of their careers.


Above: Seriously, Burt Reynolds? 

The best examples of this are Matthew Lillard and Ray Liotta, who play villains Duke Fallow and Gallian, respectively. Lillard spazzes and gurns his way through every appearance, clearly trying to eat as much scenery as possible before it’s taken away, while Liotta does his best impression of a block of wood with bipolar disorder.


Above: This about sums up his whole performance 


Above: So does this 

However, it’s the moments when the two are together onscreen that are pure gold, assuming you love watching two grown men aggressively competing to see who can deliver awful dialogue with less skill. The scene we’ve chosen here happens fairly early in the film, but it’s the best example of what happens when these two get together – and therefore, it’s the most awe-inspiringly terrible scene in the entire movie:

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Top 7

62 comments

  • 2cute2Bcruel - September 26, 2010 5:42 a.m.

    Boll is to movies what Hitler is to paintings. I guess.
  • DoctorCrazy - May 9, 2010 11:04 p.m.

    Why are all his movies filmed in Vancouver?
  • Scotch - November 30, 2009 3:53 a.m.

    this is one of my favorite top sevens and a classic podcast :D
  • Games_Radar_DaveMeikleham - October 2, 2009 11:08 a.m.

    Uwe Boll is amazing. That is all.
  • AGNGoo - October 22, 2008 5:32 p.m.

    The real scary thing? Uwe Boll is actually a pretty well-respected director in his native Germany, to the point where he's written books on the subject of movie making and one's even a commonly used textbook in German film schools. Having seen some of his German-language stuff, which is not amazing but still pretty good, and seen German horror movies in general directed by people I have to assume took a page from his book (literally), I must conclude either 1.) Uwe Boll is just trying to pull Americans' collective legs by acting insane and violent and incapable of directing a good movie or 2.) he's on a one-man mission to subvert the American horror film industry so that Americans have to look overseas for their good horror. If it's the latter, he's way too late for that.
  • blunt ambition - October 18, 2008 11:22 p.m.

    Bloodrayne, Alone in the dark and now I hear he's been hired for Far cry the movie. He's just the worst director ever.
  • rhysbolt - October 6, 2008 5:26 p.m.

    lol never say the n word
  • MultiGamer - October 4, 2008 6:46 p.m.

    Uwe Boll should be locked away, far away from all games. Same goes for Paul Anderson.
  • Iffo - September 28, 2008 2:47 p.m.

    Ok, I figured out why the kids in HotD see the action as mid 90's 3D graphics - they're clearly on drugs! But I can't figure how Dr.Curien had so much spare time (you know between all the research and plans of taking over the world) to record an egocentric hip hop tune that describes his manor as The House of The Dead?! This is worse than Cole's "tune" in the GoW credits!! Did I heard that correctly? "I am Curien - bringer of the legions of the house of the dead!! I am Curien - bringer of the vengeance!" WTF?!
  • RaIdEn - September 27, 2008 6:57 a.m.

    It's impossible to figure out why this guy got seven movie deals. SEVEN!
  • Yellowhat17 - September 25, 2008 2:09 a.m.

    Bowl's the one doing Farcry? That explains how the plot is changed and it looks like the stupidist movie I've ever seen. Ever... though I haven't seen it. Because it's not out yet. Whatever.
  • Smeggs - September 24, 2008 9:07 p.m.

    There's only one word to describe his movies, Shittastic: There is a reason it is not a word, because there's no such thing as a good pile of shit.
  • DeathbyFira - September 24, 2008 1:06 a.m.

    This guy is a Joke i kind of like to watch his crappy movies to make fun of him but the Asin thing pissed me off i hope this basterd burns in hell for eternity and please lets all sign that petition to stop this basterd form killing all are hopes and dreams for good Gameing Movies thank u
  • Solid_Gabriel - September 24, 2008 12:21 a.m.

    I gotta be honest, i only watched two of his movies. The House of the Dead and Alone in the Dark. But those two really SUCK HARD!!! House of the Dead was the worst of these two i've seen...
  • drunkenfish - September 23, 2008 10:12 p.m.

    omfg that last scene was so hillarious. (House of the Dead not the press shot) The 360 around the old dude w/ the launcher and the weak music. Then the way he spliced in shots of the videogame. omg....omg
  • Fluxnard - September 23, 2008 8:14 p.m.

    Notice at 1:06 (at the House of the Dead video) the girl is holding a shotgun, then shortly after...she has a handgun...
  • monojono - September 23, 2008 6:35 p.m.

    Holy Diver - 20 hours 17 minutes ago "There must be some people here who watvh his movies. Studios wouldnt let him direct if his films didnt make any money" See here - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uwe_boll His films lose money, he pays for them himself thanks to German tax benefits for film-makers.
  • carsonnik - September 23, 2008 6:07 a.m.

    Wait, what the fuck is he saying? Because Asian drivers in Vancouver don't turn left because HE wants them to turn left, he has secret fantasies of him blowing their brains out? That doesn't even make any sense at all. What an asshole, I have a new found hatred for him now.
  • infinite doo - September 23, 2008 5:46 a.m.

    I loved this article, especially the last vid where he actually admits "I hate video games". So there. thats why all his movies suck. he hates the source material. Also, i like getting 7 pages, its more bang for my buck. plus, since its free, its all bang and NO buck, one of the best things ever. Also, i have a lot of free time, so anything to keep me on the site day after day is good =)
  • Fokker1138 - September 23, 2008 2:08 a.m.

    I haven't watched any of his movies outside of Postal, but as far as the comments of "no good goddamn reason", did he even play the game? That's pretty much the theme of Postal and Postal 2, random violence. It's a fun game just for the sheer mindlessness of it, sort of like going on a destructive bender in a GTA game. I think the movie was fairly true to the game and I enjoyed the absurdity of it.

Showing 1-20 of 62 comments

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