The Top 7... Ugliest bastards in gaming

We give the beautifully repugnant and disgustingly delectable some recognition

Virtual beauty gets more than its fair share of eye-gazing adoration, so let us celebrate in the dog-faced dominion of hard-coded ugly for a change. Discard momentarily from your mind any alluring images of Kasumi, Leon, Ada, Tidus, Lara, Dante, Rikku, Tony Hawk and other patrons of gaming's aesthetically blessed aristocracy. Let us rejoice in the repugnant, marvel at the misshapen and yank our phallus-shaped, porridge-loaded party poppers in the distorted face of the vile and optically offensive. Unload your narcissistic poison. No monsters. No mutants. No aliens. And definitely no pretty boys. Just gaming's ugliest bastards...

Roach | Heavenly Sword

Look at this beautifully ugly dribbling baby-brained simpleton. Who could resist the melting waxwork face, with its sensory features sliding downwards like freshly hurled vom-chunks on piss-stained porcelain. Truly this is the visage of a strange, twisted angel, carrying pathos heavy on its broken wings, encumbered with more blubber than a fleet of Japanese whalers. Forget that he's the illegitimate produce of King Bohan's spunky sausage gun, in our mind Roach will always be the lovable lovechild of Joseph Merrick and Gurdulla the Hutt. If he were real, we would cuddle him. As long as he had been heavily sedated, sterilised and his nipples covered up first.


I don't have the energy to really hate anything properly. Most things I think are OK or inoffensively average. I do love quite a lot of stuff as well, though.


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