The Top 7... Ugliest bastards in gaming

Virtual beauty gets more than its fair share of eye-gazing adoration, so let us celebrate in the dog-faced dominion of hard-coded ugly for a change. Discard momentarily from your mind any alluring images of Kasumi, Leon, Ada, Tidus, Lara, Dante, Rikku, Tony Hawk and other patrons of gaming's aesthetically blessed aristocracy. Let us rejoice in the repugnant, marvel at the misshapen and yank our phallus-shaped, porridge-loaded party poppers in the distorted face of the vile and optically offensive. Unload your narcissistic poison. No monsters. No mutants. No aliens. And definitely no pretty boys. Just gaming's ugliest bastards...

Roach | Heavenly Sword

Look at this beautifully ugly dribbling baby-brained simpleton. Who could resist the melting waxwork face, with its sensory features sliding downwards like freshly hurled vom-chunks on piss-stained porcelain. Truly this is the visage of a strange, twisted angel, carrying pathos heavy on its broken wings, encumbered with more blubber than a fleet of Japanese whalers. Forget that he's the illegitimate produce of King Bohan's spunky sausage gun, in our mind Roach will always be the lovable lovechild of Joseph Merrick and Gurdulla the Hutt. If he were real, we would cuddle him. As long as he had been heavily sedated, sterilised and his nipples covered up first.


Top 7

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  • lumpkin - July 17, 2012 3:10 p.m.

    "Bungie has confirmed that this is Marcus R. Lehto's face, not John's"
  • linkganon - April 6, 2010 6:47 a.m.

    The game Undertaker makes the real Undertaker look good. Calling the real Undertaker hideous in person would be the last mistake you'd probably make because he'd tombstone you and you'd... Rest In Peace.
  • Jumpman19972 - October 21, 2008 2:05 a.m.

  • ryno - November 27, 2008 5:42 p.m.

    you forgot Ethan Thomas from Condemnd 2 great article
  • ryno - November 27, 2008 4:07 p.m.

    so thats what the master chief looks like
  • caboose4400 - June 1, 2009 6:12 a.m.

    god damn those are some ugly bastards
  • dewfish - May 24, 2009 3:11 a.m.

    I always thought that Max Payne's face was based on christian slater from true romance....
  • Assassin4than - April 28, 2009 4:29 a.m.

    omg that double max payne pic is the funniest thing i have ever seen
  • AuthorityFigure - April 25, 2009 1:46 a.m.

    Exactly how legit is that Halo image?
  • Dudeman47 - April 23, 2009 2:44 a.m.

    The meat king is absolutely disgusting.
  • DUImonkey - March 25, 2009 2:15 a.m.

    that's just a random spartan its not the master chief well at least that's what I've heard anyway
  • vdaymassacre - March 14, 2009 5:41 a.m.

    The Meat King makes me want to slaughter myself.
  • pjbuhl - February 1, 2009 4:23 p.m.

    oooo *barf* oh dear god the fat guy on the last page is revolting, *barf*
  • KillerPotato - June 4, 2009 2:12 p.m.

  • blarney - April 21, 2009 2:50 a.m.

    what about the big naked fat guy from hitman 2
  • SirJustus - March 10, 2009 7:55 a.m.

    maybe whoever hacked was better than your friend at hacking hahahaha
  • Satanshadow94 - January 28, 2009 10:14 p.m.

    No way you guys did something on the cheif my friend hacked halo beta for hours and more hours no way