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The Top 7... stupid plans for world conquest

If there's a single favourite pastime amongst video game characters, it's trying to take control of the world. Whether it involves an evil genius hankering for a planet-wide back yard, a mighty battle of androgyny between plucky RPG heroes and megalomaniacal RPG villains, or a simple case of a nutjob with too much time on his hands, someone is always having a go at the old planetary domination business.

Usually of course, their plans are stopped. But sometimes their plans are so bad that even if they'd worked, they still wouldn't have worked. Here are the top 7 such stupid plans, with their inherent failings highlighted for all the world to laugh at. While not being conquered.


7. Sonic the Hedgehog

Dr. Robotnik’s inappropriate taste in animals

The plan: As a genius science fiction scientist, Dr. Kintobor had the requisite knowledge to make any far-fetched plan a reality. As screwed-up mad scientist alter ego Dr. Robotnik, there was only one plan he saw fit to make reality. Turning animals into cyborg killing machines with which to take over the world.

The problem: Harnessing the fearsome power of nature is a good idea. An excellent idea in fact. The natural world is home to beings of such scale, such great and majestic power, that it’s really bloody lucky that mankind invented guns. The problem with Robotnik’s plan is that he thinks too small.

Pop one of his metallic Badniks and what jumps out? A small fluffy bunny or a super-deformed penguin. With piss-poor creatures such as those at the heart of his army, it’s no wonder Robotnik’s elite forces can’t even withstand the fairly insignificant force of an airborne hedgehog. Go on, go outside and throw a hedgehog at a car. See which breaks first. Piss-poor.

Gorillas. Lions. Alligators. Bears. Those are what Robotnik should have used.


6. Gears of War/Gears of War 2

Humanity’s continued battle for “survival”

The plan: The Locust are everywhere. They’re overground, underground, dismembering free. Humanity is boned and getting bonier by the day. So it flame grills the majority of the planet’s surface and retreats to Jacinto Plateau, the only place with ground dense enough to stop the Locust drilling force where it lurks.

 

The problem: Even ignoring the fact that blitzing most of Sera's surface would be fairly self-defeating, killing or losing the loyalty of a huge proportion of the planet’s potential human fighting force while probably not even troubling the vast subterranean Locust horde, there’s a big problem here.

Putting all hope on Jacinto paints the entire species into one crowded corner, with a very naive assumption of safety, given that the Locust can travel overground and also fly. Humanity’s plan seems to consist of very little more than wiping out most of its people and resources and hoping that the Locust don’t notice its new status as a hugely under-equipped sitting duck. Definitely better not sink Jacinto in a poorly thought out last-ditch plan in the sequel then.

Oh…

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Top 7

42 comments

  • marcio-campos - February 23, 2013 7:12 a.m.

    I keep Laughing and laughing.
  • DreamWeaverPL - October 30, 2010 7:40 p.m.

    Enclave WANTED to KILL all the MUTANTS in Fallout. What's stupid about it? It's like saying that the third reich's plan to eradicate Jews and other ethnicities was stupid. It's just an agenda that exceeds utilitarianism or even common sense and simple gain. It's not stupid, it's realistic, scary and lifelike. Sometimes I think all of you GamesRadar editors should go back to school. >.>
  • cronomonkey - July 31, 2010 7:46 a.m.

    yea 'cause as long as everyone is patriotically crispy and dead, its perfectly fine
  • INFINITYGAUNTLET - July 28, 2010 7:43 p.m.

    "Thanks to MW2’s pioneeringly incomprehensible writing" Thank you.
  • FanofSaiyan - January 31, 2010 6:11 p.m.

    SF4's main baddie kinda looks like Dr. Manhattan... in a body glow sort of way... and they both don't wear pants. lolz
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  • speno93 - January 16, 2010 10:14 a.m.

    loved the Gears pic of Marcus in a raft. Boy there are some stupidly stupid villians out there, and the whole idea of universal conquest is a bit daft in the first place. You rule the world, now what? , spend your time heaping through massive piles of paperwork that always comes with a government job whilst at least two full scale rebellions threaten to toast your arse. Stick to being a mad scientist/crinimal/sorceress/whatever
  • Gremlin187 - January 14, 2010 10:09 a.m.

    Yea what Defguru7777 said it was a momment of kill or die or theres a song by six feet under i'll put it in as this a momment of death or glory
  • SausageLozenge - January 13, 2010 10:16 p.m.

    They must have been watching reruns of Pinky and the Brain.
  • GameManiac - January 12, 2010 11:57 p.m.

    Are there any TRUE evil geniuses in video games???
  • DriveShaft - January 12, 2010 8:38 p.m.

    You made Fallout's sound so stupid but I still love it x]
  • rxb - January 12, 2010 1:26 p.m.

    Kung Nuke made me laugh, so did the wombles reference.
  • GR_DavidHoughton - January 12, 2010 11:04 a.m.

    LordsOfTechno: I was singing it in my head when I wrote it. Glad you picked up on it. :)
  • Illumini - January 12, 2010 7:07 a.m.

    I KNEW that Modern Warfare 2 would get top billing here. That plot was fucking ridiculous.
  • mentalityljs - January 12, 2010 4:44 a.m.

    Maybe this is why Sonic can't catch a break, cuz the devs are now trying to make sense?
  • PescadoPlus - January 12, 2010 4:07 a.m.

    It seems none of you have witnessed Seth's limitless power.
  • Doctalen - January 12, 2010 3:50 a.m.

    I never did understand that plot twist in modern warfare two. The guy decides to let the Russians invade America just to ge the 30k he lost in a nuke that happen five years before? Seriously if he isn't killed in duty then the idea would fail horribly especially since presumably many many civilians were hit from the bombs raids, troop landing, disease and lack of supplies that would have followed an invasion on those scales.
  • Ninja-KiLLR - January 12, 2010 2:44 a.m.

    yeah i never pick up on that in fallout 3 like other people on here.
  • SonicX_89 - January 12, 2010 2:06 a.m.

    Kung nuke. Brilliant really.
  • Defguru7777 - January 12, 2010 1:56 a.m.

    I kinda agree with matt588. Did Shepard really want world domination? I think he just wanted America to be powerful again after Al-Asad's nuke went off. I still don't get why he betrayed Task Force 141. And it never says in the game (unless I'm missing something) that he's working with Makarov. ReCaptcha: abstains Moscow Makarov would be proud.

Showing 1-20 of 42 comments

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