The bright colors and delirious sounds of cutesy games often gloss over ultraviolent gameplay. The sadistic deaths visited upon characters in these kiddie games are always hidden behind candy and rainbows. But violence without gore is like a cheeseburger without cheese. Sanitizing violence to make it “kid-friendly” hurts society more than it helps, and teaches unrealistic life lessons. We want to set things right, so we’ve re-imagined death in seven cutesy games that tried to cover up the gore. Here’s what death might actually look like if portrayed realistically in these games, thanks to our resident artist Mr. Tyler Wilde.
In the corny world of suburban America, a paper route is a coming of age for a young man. Then video games came along, and suddenly kids were wasting quarters on a video game about delivering papers rather than earning money doing it for real. Though cartoony and whimsical in presentation, Paperboy’s deaths would be excruciatingly painful to a real boy. Leave it to videogames to turn a quaint rite of passage into a vicious bloodbath.
Relive death in Paperboy: