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The Top 7... Gory deaths in cutesy games

The bright colors and delirious sounds of cutesy games often gloss over ultraviolent gameplay. The sadistic deaths visited upon characters in these kiddie games are always hidden behind candy and rainbows. But violence without gore is like a cheeseburger without cheese. Sanitizing violence to make it “kid-friendly” hurts society more than it helps, and teaches unrealistic life lessons. We want to set things right, so we’ve re-imagined death in seven cutesy games that tried to cover up the gore. Here’s what death might actually look like if portrayed realistically in these games, thanks to our resident artist Mr. Tyler Wilde.

Dog Attack
In the corny world of suburban America, a paper route is a coming of age for a young man. Then video games came along, and suddenly kids were wasting quarters on a video game about delivering papers rather than earning money doing it for real. Though cartoony and whimsical in presentation, Paperboy’s deaths would be excruciatingly painful to a real boy. Leave it to videogames to turn a quaint rite of passage into a vicious bloodbath.

Relive death in Paperboy:


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Top 7

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22 comments

  • ThtGuyWithRecon - October 29, 2010 11:07 p.m.

    @elpaulo I Agree With U
  • Nintendroid426 - November 6, 2009 10:55 p.m.

    kirby! SPIT MARIO OUT RIGHT NOW!!!!!! EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!
  • elpaulo - October 29, 2009 8:18 p.m.

    I shall never look at kirby the same way again.
  • Chippie17 - October 26, 2009 6:30 p.m.

    the funny thing is im 14 and ive played paper boy ha
  • Vader999 - October 15, 2009 5:49 a.m.

    :D LOL Kirby! Never underestimate a moe cannibal!
  • ulmxn - October 10, 2009 4:22 a.m.

    dear god im scarred for life. Kirby why?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11!
  • gangjute8 - September 24, 2009 10:01 p.m.

    @The1337Lord You act like he MIGHT be one. We wipes out several planets worth of cute animals in each game, even if they run away, he chases them down and eats them.
  • Ranger6667 - December 9, 2008 1:18 a.m.

    Pikmin is not funny. That game made me cry.
  • The_Zanger - November 19, 2008 2:13 a.m.

    lol
  • Phantom-swordsman - November 2, 2008 9:16 p.m.

    Yeah, I think killing an adorable paper mache animal with a shovel and then feasting on its entrails I think rare followed the basis of theater "Tragedy & comedy".
  • Phantom-swordsman - November 2, 2008 9:09 p.m.

    Yeah, I think killing an adorable paper animal and feasting on their entrail's
  • bonerachieved - September 22, 2009 1:04 a.m.

    This is frickin epic haha, kirby's photo shop pic is definately my favorite, props to whoever did it!
  • CreeplyTuna - September 1, 2009 8:31 p.m.

    keep this away form little cjildren lol
  • barrage7667 - February 24, 2009 9:14 p.m.

    nononononononoNO!!! the most gory death by far is getting killed by rolling saws in crash bandicoot i mean COME ON!!!
  • nik4ever - January 30, 2009 6:48 p.m.

    Fireball deats in Super mario bros weren't that gory.
  • GameManiac - September 22, 2009 1:32 a.m.

    Goddamn! No one deserves being torn apart like how Mario was under the hands... er, mouth of Kirby. No wonder Nintendo keeps their games mostly appropriate.
  • CreeplyTuna - September 1, 2009 8:31 p.m.

    *children
  • Hellwilder - July 26, 2009 9:55 p.m.

    You forgot sackboy from LBP! He is perfect for this
  • The1337Lord - July 24, 2009 11:51 a.m.

    The picture of Kirby makes him look like a crazy mass murder.....Maybe he is a mass murder!
  • ericgirasole - April 24, 2009 4:59 p.m.

    kirby doesnt suck them up he eats them and pokemon bascially tear each other apart i mean picture a big huge dragon using the move flamethrower on ya or a fucking groudon stomping on yu jesus christ

Showing 1-20 of 22 comments

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