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The Top 7... game religions

Religion. In real life, it’s all kneeling, self-reflection and guilt. In games, it’s all alien conspiracies, demon worship and craftily put together cults designed to rob us of our readies. The following faiths might all be deceitful, money-grabbing or just downright homicidal, but at least they’re exciting. And hell, adopt a positive attitude, take everything they say at face value and follow  their orders blindly, and we might even make it through one of their sermons with all our limbs. Hallelujah!

Founded by a group of religious cultists who worship an unexploded megaton bomb. They built their church at the centre of the crater the bomb created. These Children of Atom believe that the atomic masses released by nuclear bombs contain whole universes and are, therefore, sacred.


Above: How I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb

Full of optimism, hope and perpetually seeing the best in bad situations, the Children of Atom will turn even the biggest frown upside down. Should the bomb (which is in spitting distance of the church) go off, members will automatically be sent to a magical place where each will be the master of their own universe.


Above: What we all should be praying for


Anyone with an aversion to cancers or other diseases linked with long-term radiation exposure or having all their skin peel off may want to have a long hard think before committing to the church. Those with irrational fears of being vaporised by, as yet undetonated and unstable atomic bombs, may also be best sticking to more radiation-free religions.



In the magical land of Windia, full of armadillos, frogs and other talking animals, a mighty Dragon God ruled. However, the God was usurped by a new religious idol, St. Eva, who's newly-formed church quickly rose to prominence.

Followers can look super cool to all their friends by joining today's hottest new religion. St. Eva is an upstanding, caring role model. And, for any kids out there, he’s totally the baddest deity around. Not literally, of course, he’s definitely not some kind of mad, soul-harvesting demon.


Above: St. Eva's always been down with the kids


During the duration of your prayers the great St. Eva may or may not – we’re pretty sure he won’t – gain demonic powers as you worship him. There’s also a chance – although, again the odds are slim – that he might, say, take members' hearts once he’s finished sucking up all their praying goodness. Cut him some slack, it's not like the entire organisation is a hastily crafted cult used as a front to conceal an ever growing demon army.


Above: St. Eva churches - now with 38% less demons

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70 comments

  • JimBro - May 11, 2009 9:51 a.m.

    Nice Article, i think im first...
  • Cyberninja - May 11, 2009 10:27 a.m.

    this is a great article but why is it up at six am reCAPTCHA: 12 holy. very ironic
  • Mainman - May 11, 2009 11:44 a.m.

    I'm an advocate of the 'Church of The Light' seen in Warcraft, to the point where I've replaced all religious references in my swearing/cursing (God dammit, Jesus-t*tf**king Christ, etc.) with the word 'Light', or an appropriate equivalent. No, I don't expect to be shooting transparent hammers of light from my hands anytime soon, but I agree with the church's world view, I like having a triple-barreled curse word repertoire (either seen as bizarre, polite or as the reference it is), and it's an infinitely more nerdy thing to list as your religion in surveys and online profiles, compared to 'Jedi'.
  • machellx - May 11, 2009 1:15 p.m.

    the Epsilon Program is more of a Easter Christmas thing for me
  • AngeloComet - May 11, 2009 6:26 p.m.

    Xplosive59 - that is a Goddamn funny joke!
  • Unoriginal - May 11, 2009 6:48 p.m.

    So, the only thing I have to do to join the Epsilon program is to hand over all my belongings and never have sex again? Can't see anything wrong with that, count me in. ALL HAIL... what do we worship?
  • Amnesiac - May 11, 2009 7:26 p.m.

    Xplosive59 wins for mentioning the Church of the One-Winged Angel. Mumb00 also wins for mentioning SMT: Nocturne's Cult of Gaea
  • protospasm - May 11, 2009 8:24 p.m.

    I've already accepted Yu Yevon as my saviour, thanks.
  • shockolate - May 11, 2009 8:53 p.m.

    I was hoping the religion from Devil May Cry 4 would be here. Guess not. :( Also, the Covenant picture is racist. Funny, but racist. Just a heads up.
  • Skykid - May 11, 2009 9:03 p.m.

    Nice article GR. But maybe you should read more on the Covenant.
  • Demonflare - May 11, 2009 9:03 p.m.

    Ha! In Pokemon D/P they put a church in Hearthome City. Just saying.
  • jtslugmaster10 - May 11, 2009 10:12 p.m.

    what about the religon or religons in assainsins creed ... althought i think they were denouncing religon but whatever there has got to be something in that game.
  • YuheJi - May 11, 2009 11:39 p.m.

    Ooh I loved the Epsilon Program. I remember in San Andreas all the weird things that the guy said (such as tithing 8.25%). I think there was even an interview in the talk radio station.
  • IHazCheezburger - May 11, 2009 11:44 p.m.

    First of all, good article. I've been a long-time reader but hadn't taken the time to create an account to post even though I'd wanted to a few times. However, this article drove me to finally do it. Simply enough, how is Xenogears not on here?
  • Vagrant - May 12, 2009 1:19 a.m.

    The one in Alundra is a pretty good 'un too, but the BoF one sounds similar to it.
  • KatamariLovesSpock - May 12, 2009 1:27 a.m.

    Quit* sorry for my spelling for those whom are grammar nazi's up in huuuuuuuuuuuuuuur.
  • Harmon20 - May 12, 2009 1:58 a.m.

    Hey, why can't anyone be related to me simply cuz of my red hair? ah, it's okay, it's funny.
  • SunshineHobo - May 12, 2009 2:43 a.m.

    DR. STRANGELOVE REFERENCE! Why do almost all these religions sound like Scientology...Give us money, believe in garbage.
  • solidocelot - May 12, 2009 3:56 a.m.

    Church of martel anyone?
  • iKOemos - May 12, 2009 5:39 a.m.

    MUST.... JOIN... EPSILON.... PROGRAM......

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