Sometimes, a game’s plotline can surprise you. Awhile back, we posted a story called the top 7 games with mega plot twists you never saw coming that showcased seven brilliant “gotcha!” moments in gaming history. This is not that story. No, this story is a celebration of the unsubtle and clumsy, a compilation of those games whose plot twists were so thinly veiled, so heavy-handedly, elbow-in-the-ribs foreshadowed, that everyone and their grandmother figured it out ten minutes in. The only people fooled by these swerves were people who called it, but second guessed themselves, thinking, “Nah, it can’t be that stupid and obvious, can it?”
Yes it can, friends. Yes. It can.
One last thing before we dive in (just in case it isn’t obvious)…
Uncharted 2: Among Thieves
Above: Nathan “Suction-cup-fingers” Drake
The Situation: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves is the second grand adventure of everybody’s favorite smart-mouthed, mercenary-murdering rapscallion – Nathan Drake. The story begins when Drake is approached by Harry Flynn – a long time buddy and past partner in crime, apparently – and a hot Australian chick named Chloe Frazer. The two present Nate with an offer he can’t refuse: The chance to steal a Mongolian oil lamp that just may lead them to the sunken fleet of Marco Polo. Oh, and there’s lots of treasure on said fleet…
The Twist: Harry Flynn is a backstabbing douche bag who double-crosses Drake once he has the treasure map.
Above: Honestly, Nate – this guy wasn’t suspicious to you?
Why You Saw it Coming: Ah, betrayal plot twist, our old friend. We meet again. Take a look at any major game release (i.e. Modern Warfare 2, Dead Space, The Saboteur, etc.) and it’s as if game developers have to meet some sort of industry-enforced betrayal quota. The whole instance in Uncharted 2 wouldn’t have been so bad if there had at least been some better foreshadowing. A single red herring would have been nice. But there weren’t any.
Which makes it all the more unbelievable when Drake puts on a shocked, doe-eyed expression when the bastard Flynn grabs the map and books it. You’re both career criminals and you didn’t see this coming, Drake? The guy looks like a cross between some sort of English version of Christian Slater and Satan, and has a smile that could make a Mafia hit man nervous. The only real shock is that he had the courtesy to wait a full 45 minutes before shoving the knife in your back.
Above: More, please
The Situation: Imagine female sexuality that’s so intense it can bend the space-time continuum, and then punch yourself in the groin two or three times. That is Bayonetta’s plot. Bayonetta is an amnesiac witch who uses her magical hair powers to dispatch angels. We’d love to give you more contexts for this; however, we lack the high-powered pneumatic drill necessary to pierce the convoluted mess that is Bayonetta’s storyline. During her travels, she rescues a small girl named Cereza from an angel attack. The girl calls Bayonetta “mummy” and shows a natural aptitude for magic…
The Twist: Cereza is actually Bayonetta as a child.
Why You Saw it Coming: Umm…well, let’s see. The game pulls this little girl out of nowhere, angels are almost irresistibly drawn to her, she rocks a pair of stylish frames, and sports a hair length that borders on the inexplicable. Oh, and we actually see her develop a love of lollipops, which are practically a fashion accessory to the grown-up Bayonetta.
Sure, the game tries to throw you off by having the kid call Bayonetta “mummy,” but you already know the sultry witch has been trapped in a coffin for the better part of five centuries. That doesn’t offer many opportunities to make babies. You may generally not understand what the hell is going on or why the hell it’s going on, but you’ll see this one coming from a mile away. Even Bayonetta didn’t so much as bat an eye when she figured out who the kid was. Whatever – it’s magic.