Last week, Gears of War 2’s Lead Designer, Cliff Bleszinski, debuted GOW2 gameplay to a completely unsurprised public. We paid attention, but only because we had nothing better to do - after all, what do we want with your sloppy seconds? Here’s our six snotty comments about your stupid 360 exclusive.
1) The helicopters still suck. Locusts, despite living underground, seem to have no problem dealing with the COG’s air units, and in the trailer, you can see more of the COG helicopters make pretty fireworks in the sky. The COG can build satellites that can fry a single mutant but they can only make helicopters made of Popsicle sticks? No wonder they’re losing to guys armed with bows and arrows.
2) Marcus Fenix still sucks. He’s got John Travolta’s voice, Bender from Futurama’s voice, and a backstory that makes Rambo look like high art. We can only assume that the “Cole Train” returns, too, ensuring more time with two of the most unoriginal characters in gaming history. Maybe they’ll be joined by a gender-bending Japanese sidekick with crazy hair!
3) The length of the game still sucks. Although, at 5 minutes, it virtually doubles the length of its predecessor!
4) The 360 exclusivity still sucks. I didn’t happen to catch a release date for the PC version anywhere in the video, but I’m pretty sure I caught a glimpse of a message on one of the rigs. If you squint a certain way, you can vaguely see a line of text written on a wall between two soldiers. It says, “Suck it, PC fans.”
5) The fact that we can’t hope for it to suck still sucks. We can’t even root against it - if GOW2 is a rousing success, it’s more likely that the game will be ported to the PC. No one ports games months later to another platform if they suck. Unless they’re Sonic games, of course.
6) Cliff Bleszinski’s faux hawk still sucks. David Beckham from 2002 called, Cliffy. He wants his hair back.