Who doesn’t love a happy ending? Well, apart from communists, old timey villains in top hats and Hitler. Most games love nothing more than to give you a pat on the back and send you off with your heart singing into the end credits after you’ve just witnessed Ted Heroic save the girl, beat ultimate hero with the power of your totally manly chest hair, then play some virtual tonsil tennis with said girl.
But not all seemingly blissful endings are as happy as they appear. In fact, some are just downright depressing, sweeping aside and glossing over some horrendous acts of collateral damage and destruction. Like these very games below…
Warning: This article may contain (SPOILERS!!!) . Alright, so it definitely contains mega (SPOILERS!!!). Oh, and also loads of pedantic, nitpicky moaning from us. Still, it’s all just a bit of tongue-in-cheek fun, right? RIGHT?
Just in case you missed that...
A bunch of adorable creatures bite it, Mario celebrates
Providing a horrendous happy ending in: Super Mario Galaxy
And Mario beat Bowser, saved the day and failed to kop a feel from Peach for the 14,000th time. The end… oh, and all those cute little star things threw themselves into a shitting black hole, probably suffering deaths of unimaginable torment. Ah, we love a happy ending. Wait, what?
In case you missed it, those adorable little Lumas throw themselves into the shagging great chasm Bowser rips into the universe, selflessly sacrificing themselves to save a certain fat Italian’s ass. We get some pseudo spiritual claptrap about no star truly dying and being reborn as even brighter stars. But you know what? Those Lumas are all dead. Like Lindsay Lohan’s acting career dead.
Above: That ain't no way for no Luma to go
Is there any mention of this galactic tragedy in the sequel, you ask? Is there hell. All Mario cares about is scoffing his fat face with a cake Peach baked for him. C’mon, you ingrate. How about building a memorial for all those cute little blighters that saved the whole goddamn universe? Hey, if you want to just piss about in a bee costume, though, that’s fine too, pal. What. A. Dick.
New York gets flattened, but the hero gets the girl
Providing a horrendous happy ending in: Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty
Aka the game where the hero lets half of Manhattan gets flattened by a Metal Gear the size of an aircraft carrier.
No one cares about that, though. As long as he hooks up with his girlfriend at the end, everything is all peaches and cream. Well, except for all the families of the hundreds of folk who were no doubt squashed by Arsenal Gear, which the game so conveniently glosses over.
And what about all the millions upon millions of dollars worth of property damage inflicted upon the Big Apple? Seriously, it’s going to take years to rebuild all the shit Arsenal no doubt destroyed. Oh, and the Federal Hall National Memorial that so casually gets crushed? Yeah, that’s kind of a big deal. After all, it only marks the site where the Bill of Rights was ratified.
But hey, those poor bastard New York construction workers won’t mind putting that along with half the city back to-bloody-gether again. Still, Raiden totally remembers Rose’s anniversary in the end, and we bet they had some awesome makeup sex. So that’s the only thing that really matters.
Above: "No, I love you more...."
Best buds reunite, leave other friend to get his balls bitten off
Providing a horrendous happy ending in: Ratchet & Clank: A Crack in Time
Alright, so everything ends up fine and dandy for our two heroes (even if the closest thing Ratchet will ever have to a father dies in the process). But how about sparing a thought for their old buddy Captain Qwark? Admittedly he’s a selfish, cowardly self promoter, but last time we looked that didn’t warrant being left behind by your mates to have your scrotum chewed on by a massive monster.
Clank was seemingly distraught at leaving Ratchet alone in his quest to find his furry family, though neither of them seem to have any problem abandoning a comrade to a life of space solitude and groin-based lacerations.
Hell, even if Qwark somehow miraculously manages to best Snowball it could be years until he gets rescued. YEARS! Just imagine the physiological scarring. Either way, Ratchet and Clank’s intergalactic bromance will continue, so the spandex-wearing hero can seemingly go f*ck himself.
Above: Space cadets need spleens too, you know