Six happy game endings... that are actually horrifying

Who doesn’t love a happy ending? Well, apart from communists, old timey villains in top hats and Hitler. Most games love nothing more than to give you a pat on the back and send you off with your heart singing into the end credits after you’ve just witnessed Ted Heroic save the girl, beat ultimate hero with the power of your totally manly chest hair, then play some virtual tonsil tennis with said girl.

But not all seemingly blissful endings are as happy as they appear. In fact, some are just downright depressing, sweeping aside and glossing over some horrendous acts of collateral damage and destruction. Like these very games below…

Warning: This article may contain (SPOILERS!!!) . Alright, so it definitely contains mega (SPOILERS!!!). Oh, and also loads of pedantic, nitpicky moaning from us. Still, it’s all just a bit of tongue-in-cheek fun, right? RIGHT?

Just in case you missed that...

A bunch of adorable creatures bite it, Mario celebrates

Providing a horrendous happy ending in: Super Mario Galaxy

And Mario beat Bowser, saved the day and failed to kop a feel from Peach for the 14,000th time. The end… oh, and all those cute little star things threw themselves into a shitting black hole, probably suffering deaths of unimaginable torment. Ah, we love a happy ending. Wait, what?

In case you missed it, those adorable little Lumas throw themselves into the shagging great chasm Bowser rips into the universe, selflessly sacrificing themselves to save a certain fat Italian’s ass. We get some pseudo spiritual claptrap about no star truly dying and being reborn as even brighter stars. But you know what? Those Lumas are all dead. Like Lindsay Lohan’s acting career dead.

Above: That ain't no way for no Luma to go

Is there any mention of this galactic tragedy in the sequel, you ask? Is there hell. All Mario cares about is scoffing his fat face with a cake Peach baked for him. C’mon, you ingrate. How about building a memorial for all those cute little blighters that saved the whole goddamn universe? Hey, if you want to just piss about in a bee costume, though, that’s fine too, pal. What. A. Dick.

New York gets flattened, but the hero gets the girl

Providing a horrendous happy ending in: Metal Gear Solid 2: Sons of Liberty

Aka the game where the hero lets half of Manhattan gets flattened by a Metal Gear the size of an aircraft carrier.

No one cares about that, though. As long as he hooks up with his girlfriend at the end, everything is all peaches and cream. Well, except for all the families of the hundreds of folk who were no doubt squashed by Arsenal Gear, which the game so conveniently glosses over.

And what about all the millions upon millions of dollars worth of property damage inflicted upon the Big Apple? Seriously, it’s going to take years to rebuild all the shit Arsenal no doubt destroyed. Oh, and the Federal Hall National Memorial that so casually gets crushed? Yeah, that’s kind of a big deal. After all, it only marks the site where the Bill of Rights was ratified.

But hey, those poor bastard New York construction workers won’t mind putting that along with half the city back to-bloody-gether again. Still, Raiden totally remembers Rose’s anniversary in the end, and we bet they had some awesome makeup sex. So that’s the only thing that really matters.

Above: "No, I love you more...."

Best buds reunite, leave other friend to get his balls bitten off

Providing a horrendous happy ending in: Ratchet & Clank: A Crack in Time

Alright, so everything ends up fine and dandy for our two heroes (even if the closest thing Ratchet will ever have to a father dies in the process). But how about sparing a thought for their old buddy Captain Qwark? Admittedly he’s a selfish, cowardly self promoter, but last time we looked that didn’t warrant being left behind by your mates to have your scrotum chewed on by a massive monster.

Clank was seemingly distraught at leaving Ratchet alone in his quest to find his furry family, though neither of them seem to have any problem abandoning a comrade to a life of space solitude and groin-based lacerations.

Hell, even if Qwark somehow miraculously manages to best Snowball it could be years until he gets rescued. YEARS! Just imagine the physiological scarring. Either way, Ratchet and Clank’s intergalactic bromance will continue, so the spandex-wearing hero can seemingly go f*ck himself.

Above: Space cadets need spleens too, you know

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  • senorsuave - April 8, 2011 2:25 a.m.

    what about Battlefield Bad Company 2. Yay! bad guy dead! oh, whats that? Russians invading through Alaska now and take over america and the rest of the world?
  • amedeus - April 4, 2011 11:25 p.m.

    Needs moar Sonic Adventure. I mean, the city is insta-flooded by Chaos much like Zanarkand by Sin at the beginning of Final Fantasy X. Sonic defeats Chaos, but that doesn't really fix all of the thousands+ of people who just drowned horribly. Compounded by Tails' final comment of, "All's well that ends well!"
  • dimomarg - August 9, 2010 11:10 a.m.

    actually, if you get thrown into a black hole you experience the most painful way to die, since each of your atoms explode individually and you feel EVERY single explosion. Also, remember how many lumas you forced to explode lifeless planets or little mushrooms? or how many living stars you burnt for power after "rescuing" them? If the lumas ACTUALLY built a proper army, they would have had less losses.
  • BearWrastler61 - August 7, 2010 4:34 p.m.

    EatYoChildren is now online.
  • Sabtos - August 7, 2010 3:14 p.m.

    You know what would be convenient for these spoiler articles: Listing the titles that will be discussed in order in the paragraph that you're already saying there are spoilers, or at the bottom of the article where you list tags, so that I can maybe try to avoid some spoilers while going through the article. Otherwise, putting a big SPOILERS thing makes me just want to avoid the article altogether, like I should have done with your Red Dead Redemption spoilers that I never wanted to know about.
  • ventanger - August 6, 2010 8 p.m.

    Ya know I heard from an astro-physisist that getting sucked into a black hole would slow down time for you so that you're perpetually dying... MARIO IS FUN!
  • EnragedTortoise1 - August 6, 2010 7:27 p.m.

    Yeah, I agree with woodsey. Please list which games are being spoiled at least before saying what happens.
  • GameManiac - August 6, 2010 3:49 p.m.

    You know, I didn't give much thought to the ending in Super Mario Galaxy, and I still don't, but a little less.
  • Clovin64 - August 6, 2010 2:01 p.m.

    Thats why there is no Freedom Fighters 2? Wrong, thats why there NEEDS to be a Freedom Fighters 2. We need to see how our plucky American heroes survive a ruthless second invasion from Russia and a Rocket launcher toting Ivan Drago. P.S. No Final Fantasy VI? Oh come on!
  • wiigamer024 - August 6, 2010 1:36 p.m.

    Mario: "Lets-a take a moment of silence to remember those brave-a little lumas...SCREW THAT! Lets-a eat cake instead!" Me: "Fatass."
  • hardcore_gamer1990 - August 6, 2010 12:23 p.m.

    Qwark deserved it. Twat.
  • philipshaw - August 6, 2010 10:07 a.m.

    Great article, I just beat Rachet and Clant: A crack of Time and I was thinking the same thing about Qwark's situation. It's not funny, he wiil probs die on that Planet
  • NanoElite666 - August 6, 2010 4:57 a.m.

    In Drake's defense, blowing up the tree of life was probably the preferable option to letting the psychopathic war criminal get at it.
  • sleepy92ismypsn - August 6, 2010 3:08 a.m.

    It's easy enough to figure out which game he's talking about before having it spoiled. Go easy on ethan, it's not all his fault jason died, and i'm pretty sure after that ethan and his wife got a divorce that would explain why Ethan was living by himself.
  • Hypershadic - August 6, 2010 3:03 a.m.

    Mario is back with horrifying death and gore censored!!!!! Nintendo you sick freaks Lumas didn't deserve that no matter how annoying they were....
  • TalkradarLikesAreApe - August 6, 2010 1:55 a.m.

    I like the idea but don't agree with a few of these: Super Mario Galaxy - simple, "death" at the most, only lasts for 1 mario game as shown by bowser in every game and looking back it seems that whats-her-face was actually hinting at Galaxy 2 when she says "'ll see"; R&C:ACIT - you know what? Qwark deserved it;Uncharted 2 - I completely agree and thought that many times
  • billwsmith - August 6, 2010 1:22 a.m.

    Well you can twist most games to be pretty sad: When Link saves Zelda he is returned back to his life as a poor, starving peasant. After Mario kills Bowser it does not change the fact that the Mushroom Kingdom remains occupied by the Koopa armies.
  • gamingfreak - August 5, 2010 9:04 p.m.

    I still don't know how that kid in Heavy Rain died.
  • DriveShaft - August 5, 2010 8:22 p.m.

    ahaha, Uncharted 2, admit it, you'd blow up Shambhala if it meant getting with Elena or Chloe. x]
  • bl00dyvalen7ine - August 5, 2010 7:14 p.m.

    Is that the Cloverfield poster for the Metal Gear Solid 2 post? HAHAHA