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“Kinectimals Now with Bears!” an insult to all horses

It’s not easy being a horse, especially a horse who works at GamesRadar. As a proud equine, I once shined a spotlight on Rockstar Games’ subjugation of horses in Red Dead Redemption, only to see my call to arms later answered by a near perfect nine-out-of-ten review published on this very site. For shame GamesRadar. For shame. But I digress.

Today, my hatred for motion controls and my least favorite quadruped combine in an announcement from Microsoft for “Kinectimals Now with Bears!” That’s right, bears. Your Xbox 360 may soon play host to these malicious forest beasts in an upcoming expansion to Kinectimals. As one of the few games journalists in the world who actually spends some amount of time outdoors, let me tell you something. Next to cats and sharks, bears are pretty much the biggest bastards in the world.

Known for their stocky legs, rancid breath, and dirty fur, many species of bears are now considered endangered by the International Union for Conservation of Nature (IUCN) due to their low level of intellect and aggressive behavior. The only mammals known to rival the bear in terms of boorish manners and stupidity are, of course, homo sapiens, the ones responsible for creating and marketing the first Kinectimals last year.

“The fun never ends,” claims Microsoft in a press release hailing the “new adventure with bears.” The embarrassing romp begins with adopting one of five “adventurous bears.” The said bears are Black Bear, Grizzly Beaer, Cinnamon Bear, Glacier Bear, and Polar Bear – but if you ask this horse, once you’ve seen one bear, you’ve seen them all.


Above: Where do you think this bear got that whistle? The store? Bears love to eat human babies. Trust me, I'm a horse


Above: Beware of bears. This bear maimed Master Chief for a warthog. Who will be the next victim?

Kinectimals Now with Bears! will be available at retailers this autumn, but if you already own a copy of Kinectimals, you can save your weak human legs some work and download the Bear Island add-on directly from Xbox LIVE. If that’s the case, please also send me your home address so I can trot over there and give you and your 360 a much needed trampling.

Jul 26, 2011

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Topics

Buttercup

18 comments

  • shyfonzie - July 29, 2011 9:28 p.m.

    I WANT TO FEED YOU SUGAR CUBES
  • McNeelyJ - July 27, 2011 6:50 p.m.

    so when will it truly be kinectimals instead of catimals and bearimals? I want to see elephants, hipos, dogs, etc. until i can buy one with an elephant i'm not paying another sent on this series...don't care how much my kids beg.
  • FVDub - July 27, 2011 5:43 p.m.

    No one went for this so just bear with me here... Kinectimals was unbearable to begin with, even adding bears bearly qualifies it as a game. Also, bears.
  • Sjoeki - July 27, 2011 5:03 p.m.

    I wish all horses could have your wisdom Buttercup!
  • jackthemenace - July 27, 2011 4:48 p.m.

    "Trust me. I'm a Horse" Bets thing I've seen all day. Oh, and the usual comments about Kinect being crap and Microsoft penny squeezing etc.
  • WTeen8 - July 27, 2011 3:22 p.m.

    I like bears but come on, really? Who would let their 9-year old child play with a bear? Even Zangief disapproves.
  • SteampunkJim - July 27, 2011 3:12 p.m.

    Always good to see an article by Mr. Buttercup.
  • philipshaw - July 27, 2011 11:27 a.m.

    Buttercup is back with another hit
  • NanoElite666 - July 27, 2011 4:59 a.m.

    Get that bear out of here...
  • CH3BURASHKA - July 27, 2011 3:26 a.m.

    Be patient, Buttercup, their time will come. They may be the masters now, but the proletariat won't suffer them much longer. Also, this post has allowed me to revisit Dote Up A Cat, and that deserves a thank you.
  • ShowMeYourKitties - July 27, 2011 2:03 a.m.

    number one threat to America...
  • WhiteCoco - July 27, 2011 1:57 a.m.

    Just hope those bears don't need glue.
  • EnragedTortoise1 - July 27, 2011 1:26 a.m.

    /\@gamingfreak
  • EnragedTortoise1 - July 27, 2011 1:25 a.m.

    Not yet, at least.
  • 510BrotherPanda - July 27, 2011 1:25 a.m.

    The design of that bear is unsettling to me. There's something...not quite right about it. Also, it's not a panda, so I am not interested in the slightest. I share your indignation, Sir Buttercup!
  • gamingfreak - July 27, 2011 1:24 a.m.

    Yay! Buttercup wasn't sent to the glue factory!
  • Gorlack312 - July 27, 2011 1:15 a.m.

    Oh boy.......Mr. Colbert is not going to be happy about this one...
  • TheCakeIsaPie - July 27, 2011 1:07 a.m.

    I knew this would stirrup some controversy!

Showing 1-18 of 18 comments

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