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How to spot a secretly evil game character

Normally, we’ve got no problem with video game villians. Sure, they nick our bustiest wenches, salute digital democracy with a middle finger, and are inconsiderate enough to make us waste valuable bullets shooting them during a recession. Thing is, they’re always upfront about being assholes, which makes the shit they pull almost endearingly evil. What really gets on our teets, though, are those deceitful dastards who pretend to be our pals and pat us on the back… before stabbing us through it. Want the skinny on how to spot these secretly evil so-and-sos? You’ve come to the right place. 

Warning: The following article may contain spoilers… and copious amount of ‘hilarious’ bullshit.


They've got a British accent...

Stabbing you in the back in: Bioshock (Atlas – we’re assuming he’s using a Northern Irish accent), Goldeneye (Alec Trevelyan), Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (Harry Flynn)

Honestly, British game characters make real residents of the UK look like conniving dicks. We accept they’ve got certain advantages that make players trust them. After all, who wouldn’t be taken in by their kickass, dulcet tones? Trouble is, the niceties never last. And Joe Tea and Crumpets will invariably try to screw us over for money, power or crates of Earl Grey. It only gets worse the better spoken they are. Any Brit character that utters a word longer than three syllables is so evil, they probably had a hand in putting the premature kibosh on the Dreamcast.


They wear sunglasses...

Stabbing you in the back in: GTA: Vice City (Lance Vance), GTA San Andreas (Big Smoke, Rider), Resident Evil (Albert Wesker)

There are exactly two occasions when it’s alright to wear shades. One: it’s sunny and you’re located within five minutes walk of a beach. Two: you’re a legendary, and crucially blind, soul musician. Anyone who dons sunglasses outside these acceptable parameters is an automatic douche. And those who go one preening scumbag step further by wearing them indoors are evil incarnate. So it’s no surprise that 76% of game characters – all of whom wear shades inside – are backstabbing, self-loving Judases.


Above: What a dick

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47 comments

  • nizzam - February 22, 2010 noon

    loved the FIRST part. and i knew flynn was a villain when i saw him. but i thought he was an Australian/New Zealander? reCAPTCHA: birettas tonight. wanna join me anyone?
  • bamb0o-stick - February 22, 2010 12:20 p.m.

    This is why traitors belong in the last circle of hell...
  • Rhymenocerous - February 22, 2010 12:23 p.m.

    If Albert Wesker grew his hair long, he'd practically be Master Miller.
  • ihopethisisnotantistasblood - February 22, 2010 12:50 p.m.

    Duke nukem must be pure evil on the inside
  • ThatsWhatSheSaid - February 22, 2010 1:50 p.m.

    Atlas is defo not from Northern Ireland, dats a real Dubliner from the 50s. trust me, you'd know if he was Northern Irish ;)
  • Xplosive59 - February 22, 2010 3:20 p.m.

    i noticed that Zeke from infamous also wear shades, so that means hes a double back stabber!
  • Tomsta666 - February 22, 2010 3:53 p.m.

    What is it about us English gents that makes us such dispicible villains? /puts on red coat and strokes finely crafted moustashe menacingly
  • kaiben - February 22, 2010 4:07 p.m.

    you forgot "He has a goatee"
  • sinnerboy - February 22, 2010 5:32 p.m.

    Atlas speaks with a Dublin(or close to Dublin) accent which I believe you will find to be situated in the Republic of Ireland.
  • kjdubz22 - February 22, 2010 5:47 p.m.

    Atlas has an accent and he's the helpful voice in your ear...dumb bastard gave himself away twice.
  • helix92 - February 22, 2010 5:55 p.m.

    Sunglasses are also not evil when they are worn by Jack Nicholson, that guys just awesome!!
  • matt588 - February 22, 2010 6:27 p.m.

    a while back you had an article to tell ways you're about to die, and I was expecting this article to have the "befriend anyone with facial hair" comment. And of course they turn evil after 45, not because they want to, but because they probably already had a couple of adventures,got bored, and now they want to see what happens if they harvest ALL the little sisters
  • dannymc18 - February 22, 2010 6:29 p.m.

    Never played Bioshock, keep meaning to, but anyway: "Atlas – we’re assuming he’s using a Northern Irish accent" - meaning he isn't British.
  • matt588 - February 22, 2010 6:34 p.m.

    oh, I just looked and you have the "ways to tell you're about to die", link up, so I guess you didn't forget, disregard first half of previous comment recaptcha: effort ghoul- if they make an effort to help you they are a ghoul
  • feeheelee - February 22, 2010 6:58 p.m.

    dannymc18, Number one "Never played Bioshock," Well you shouldn't now because you just ruined the game by reading this article!! And Number two, to quote you quoting the quote "Atlas – we’re assuming he’s using a Northern Irish accent" - meaning he isn't British." By a map dude The United Kingdom of Great Britain includes England, Scotland, Wales and Northern Ireland! Which is irrelevant anyways because Atlas did have a Northern Irish accent, it was plain old Irish, like sinnerboy said, closer to a Dublin accent. But I guess GR just wanted to find a way to include it...
  • super0sonic - February 22, 2010 8:05 p.m.

    Oh no Please PLEASE tell me the word "GILFs" used above is not what i think it is. PLEASE NO!
  • SPARTAN1337 - February 22, 2010 8:08 p.m.

    Arnt most army generals evil as well as the people with a moustache?
  • DriveShaft - February 22, 2010 8:32 p.m.

    I smiled at the UC2 and Wesker ones. "Do you have Soy milk?" "no sir, only 1%" "O_O" -unleashes tendrils of death that sprout out of the fucking ground in a volcano that you and the protaganist coincidentally didn't die when you crashed in-
  • hardcore_gamer1990 - February 22, 2010 8:51 p.m.

    Well technically Azimuth didn't realise it was evil =\
  • RebornKusabi - February 22, 2010 8:51 p.m.

    Seriously, the UK people are making some really awesome articles lately, with all of the choppy Photoshop pictures and the sly, sarcastic, humor. I hate to be so gushy, but honestly you guys have made some really laugh-worthy articles and I love them! Good stuff.

Showing 1-20 of 47 comments

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