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How to spot a secretly evil game character

Normally, we’ve got no problem with video game villians. Sure, they nick our bustiest wenches, salute digital democracy with a middle finger, and are inconsiderate enough to make us waste valuable bullets shooting them during a recession. Thing is, they’re always upfront about being assholes, which makes the shit they pull almost endearingly evil. What really gets on our teets, though, are those deceitful dastards who pretend to be our pals and pat us on the back… before stabbing us through it. Want the skinny on how to spot these secretly evil so-and-sos? You’ve come to the right place. 

Warning: The following article may contain spoilers… and copious amount of ‘hilarious’ bullshit.


They've got a British accent...

Stabbing you in the back in: Bioshock (Atlas – we’re assuming he’s using a Northern Irish accent), Goldeneye (Alec Trevelyan), Uncharted 2: Among Thieves (Harry Flynn)

Honestly, British game characters make real residents of the UK look like conniving dicks. We accept they’ve got certain advantages that make players trust them. After all, who wouldn’t be taken in by their kickass, dulcet tones? Trouble is, the niceties never last. And Joe Tea and Crumpets will invariably try to screw us over for money, power or crates of Earl Grey. It only gets worse the better spoken they are. Any Brit character that utters a word longer than three syllables is so evil, they probably had a hand in putting the premature kibosh on the Dreamcast.


They wear sunglasses...

Stabbing you in the back in: GTA: Vice City (Lance Vance), GTA San Andreas (Big Smoke, Rider), Resident Evil (Albert Wesker)

There are exactly two occasions when it’s alright to wear shades. One: it’s sunny and you’re located within five minutes walk of a beach. Two: you’re a legendary, and crucially blind, soul musician. Anyone who dons sunglasses outside these acceptable parameters is an automatic douche. And those who go one preening scumbag step further by wearing them indoors are evil incarnate. So it’s no surprise that 76% of game characters – all of whom wear shades inside – are backstabbing, self-loving Judases.


Above: What a dick

47 comments

  • moribundman - March 9, 2010 12:48 p.m.

    Hmm. Spot on, except your British accents one is so utterly wrong on every single level... Pretty sketchy way to start the article. Harry is Australian, Atlas is as Irish as Irish can get (not Nar'n Ar'sh at all) and Alec Trevelyan doesn't even speak in the game, so what you're doing there is confusing it with the movie... All in all not one of those characters is even close to being an example of a British bad guy, and it's not like you're short on choice. As a matter of interest how many villains (hidden or not) have US accents, and doesn't James Bond also have a British accent?
  • noobeater - February 25, 2010 9:17 p.m.

    British are always villains, the best example is hannibal, also i can't help but think the british GR have finally toppled the GR USA stranglehold, which is quality.
  • Cyndur - February 25, 2010 3:10 a.m.

    shouldnt Bioshock also be in the "They're a 'helpful' voice in your ear..." category?
  • jackthemenace - February 24, 2010 7:33 p.m.

    lovin the "they're the king of all gods" bit :D
  • FreekinIdiot - February 24, 2010 11:56 a.m.

    @bayssa Twat, a slang term for - Gammon goal posts Beef Curtains Piss Flaps Hairy Axe Wound Clunge C**t Butchers Bin Hanging Gardens Bearded Clam Flange Gash VAGINA!
  • bayssa - February 24, 2010 5:36 a.m.

    what does TWAT means?
  • nik41507 - February 24, 2010 2:06 a.m.

    WAIT Yoda is like 900 and Obi Wan and him were the mentors of Luke
  • EnragedTortoise1 - February 24, 2010 1:03 a.m.

    Didn't see Flynn coming, but I know never to trust British people now. However I saw Azimuith's betrayal coming from a mile away. Oh, what, he turned on me? Finally... reCAPTCHA: sushi enthusiast Oddly specific...
  • Cyberninja - February 24, 2010 12:26 a.m.

    @xboxrulez at my school A i already sit at a lunch table full of girls and B to many people play cod on xbox 24/7 so i would be hated and is one of my reasons for getting a ps3.
  • NadaNuff - February 23, 2010 10:04 p.m.

    I shouldn't have read this article, too many spoilers. Question: I played InFamous all the way through, and I STILL don't remember Zeke backstabbin' me. Memory refresher? That game was kinda forgettable.
  • philipshaw - February 23, 2010 1:52 p.m.

    Atlas has a Dublin accent so not British and shouldn't be included in this article. Apart from that it was a great article and all the entries are spot on
  • gilgamesh310 - February 23, 2010 1:45 p.m.

    Atlas should have been included as a helpfull voice in ur ear, he has an accent from the republic of Ireland.
  • speno93 - February 23, 2010 7:02 a.m.

    remind me never to talk to any videogame characters as i have a british accent and im afraid they'll shoot me on sight!
  • reaperman22 - February 23, 2010 6:15 a.m.

    well you can almost sum this up and say pretty much everyone in the gta universe
  • phgreat1 - February 23, 2010 5:50 a.m.

    Master Miller wasn't evil. It was Liquid! Neither was Major Zero. He was just trying to follow The Boss' will. Though he misinterpreted it. It was the Patriot's AI that was evil.
  • Vitoruss1 - February 23, 2010 4:52 a.m.

    How does Atlas qualify for the 'accent' and NOT for the 'voice in your ear'?? That's like... that's a real fail. And you spelled "Ryder" wrong.
  • Cwf2008 - February 23, 2010 3:41 a.m.

    One more thing: @xboxrulez: SHUT THE FUCK UP reCAPTCHA: for gouraud. Ya for gouraud shut the fuck up
  • Cwf2008 - February 23, 2010 3:40 a.m.

    @feeheelee: Actually Great Britian only emcompasses i believe Scottland and Wales and England, whereas the UK encompasses GB and Northern Ireland. YOu need to buy a map "smart one"
  • brickman409 - February 23, 2010 1:21 a.m.

    what about the old guy from modern warfare 2?
  • darklink123 - February 23, 2010 1:13 a.m.

    -=SPOILERS ALERT=- I can't believe you forgot GLaDOS under helpful voices in your ear that betray you.

Showing 1-20 of 47 comments

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