The Hitman: Agent 47 reviews are in, and everybody hates it

The new Hitman movie, Hitman: Agent 47, isn't very good. At least that's what critics' early reviews of the film, in theaters tomorrow, are saying. And though the reviews differ on the details of what precisely was most offensive about this adaptation, there's an underlying theme to most critiques: it's hollow, and plastic.

"All of its materials feel utterly and depressingly synthetic, right down to the most basic ingredients of almost any violent B-grade action movie: cars, blood, and fire, which all get the bad-CGI treatment," writes Jesse Hassenger of The AV Club.

"It’s fair to conclude that while Aleksander Bach’s directing debut is indeed the junky, incoherent shoot-’em-up we feared it might be, to dismiss it as just another late-August studio craptacular doesn’t quite do it justice. But what to call it, exactly? The 47th best action film of 2015? A feature-length Audi commercial, or a promo reel for the Singapore Tourism Board?" asks Justin Chang, of Variety.

Time for some rapid-fire quotations: "A decidedly more plasticized version of the same old story." (Blu-ray.com) "Comes across like a facsimile of a facsimile, a blurry reenactment of a knockoff." (CraveOnline) "Never ... more impressive than a 108-minute Audi commercial." (The Playlist) "Less about characters and actors than about dubious surface dazzle." (Slant Magazine)

You get the idea. By now it's no surprise that a movie adapted from a video game is getting negative reviews. We've come to expect that they won't be very good. As the reviews for Hitman show, crafting an adaptation of a video game to film takes more than scraping the surface for names, places and excuses for dual-wielding. It's a little sad that the gaming community still, two decades after the Super Mario Bros. Incident, does not have a movie on which to hang our hats and say, "Yes, this. This one is good."

Ratchet & Clank, you're up next. Warcraft, you're in the bullpen. Assassin's Creed, you're set to start filming next month. Someone hit this out of the park.

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