Are your legs tired? 'Cause you've been running th- hey, where are you going?
There are few things worse than a cliched pick-up line. Rather than simply walking up to someone and, y'know, just trying to get to know them, throwing out a classic like "If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?" will usually end with some type of beverage being thrown in your face. But what about video game characters? They get away with stupid stuff all the time.
The following gallery contains the gaming universe's most um, memorable pick-up lines. Be warned, they will make you cringe... or worse. Hopefully laugh too. Either way, if you try to use any of these on your next night out on the town, expect to hear "Fox, get this guy off me!" more than a few times.
"Maybe I'll let you do a strip search on me" (Metal Gear Solid)
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A DOCTOR! Surely this goes against everything in your doctor/patient code book? Sure, you'll argue that it's keeping up his morale (I said 'morale') while he's on a dangerous mission and giving him something to hold on to (stop it) for the duration, but still. He's going to hold you to that, Naomi.
We know this because Snake replies "I'll hold you to that, doctor". So what's it going to be like when he gets back from Shadow Moses, snaps on a pair of surgical gloves and looks at you expectantly? Awkward. That's what.
"We came to hit on you." (Persona 3)
Fighting demons is hard work, and our intrepid crew deserves a little vacay on the sandy shores of Yakushima. Also, there are girls at beaches. It doesn't take world-class goofus Junpei long to connect the dots and throw together a plan to get him and his friends hooked up with, well, anyone with a pulse at this point. There's no way 'Operation Babe Hunt' would end in disaster, right?
It... goes about as well as you'd expect; which is to say, awkward and facepalm inducing. After stumbling through hackneyed pick-up lines and failing miserably with every attempt, our 'heroes' end up exactly where they started: single, and just a little bit depressed. Let's just go back to class and pretend this whole vacation never happened, shall we?
"Now look at you! A fine woman you've become. Fine and plump and, ho ho, pleasantly jiggly. Ho ho ho! ...Ahem." (Bravely Default)
Nothing kills quest momentum faster than having to talk to a dirty old man with a penchant for lechery, and Sage Yulyana is the king of dirty old men. He's nothing if not direct, which would be far more admirable than relying on terrible puns - if he didn't sail right past endearing and head straight into 'please-stop-breathing-so-close-to-me-before-I-slap-you-with-a-restraining-order' territory.
What takes all this to even creepier levels is when you realize that all of the female characters were originally teenagers in the Japanese version of Bravely Default. It wasn't until the Western translations that their ages changed to be a bit less jailbaity. So yeah, not only is Yulyana an obnoxiously persistent perv, he probably deserves a visit (or five) from Chris Hansen.
"I already checked you out, commander." (StarCraft: Brood War)
Being commander of a massive space army is sexy - I mean stressful - work. With all the pointing and clicking you have to do, it's nice to know that Blizzard was 'thoughtful' enough to put a sultry medic in StarCraft: Brood War. Because the space-based strategy game needed sexy nurses, apparently.
Click on her once, and she seductively asks "Where does it hurt?" Continue to click on her, and she'll ask you if you're ready for your sponge bath. Don't push your luck with this temptress, though, or she'll mock your insatiability, asking if you want yet another physical. Hey, you came on to me first.
"Look into my eyes... You're-going-to-like-me... You're-going-to-like-me... Did it work?" (Final Fantasy 8)
Between being disinterested in pretty much everyone who's willing to give him the time of day and everything that doesn't involve smacking something upside the head with a gunblade, Squall is basically the worst. And of course, Rinoa falls head over heels for him. Every advance, every attempt to get closer to him is met with that all-too-familiar ellipses. Then she pulls out this gem, and the only thing that would have made it cornier is if she'd had a pocket watch swinging in front of his aloof and uncaring eyeballs.
I will never understand what Rinoa saw in Captain Milquetoast, but hey, you can't blame her for trying. And her persistence pays off, as the two finally fall in love by the end of the game. Yay?
"I would gladly cut my belly for you." (Way of the Samurai 4)
I, uh hrm. OK. So, Way of the Samurai 4 doesn't really revel in anything that us humans would call 'normal'. I mean, it's got characters unironically called Melinda Megamelons and Jet Jenkins for chrissakes. So of course there's a mini-game where you go trolling for as much feudal Japanese strange as you possibly can.
It starts innocently enough, as you discuss the weather and how beautiful the moon looks and then it gets weird. In fact, considering you can come right out and tell your date what a 'nice, firm ass' she has, or that you request that she 'open [her] borders alllll of them' (sigh, I wish I was making this up), a statement that you'd literally commit seppuku to be with a girl seems downright romantic in comparison. If it, y'know, made any sense at all.
"I see a strong, passionate man. With a great ass." (Mass Effect 3)
Ashley and Shepherd in Mass Effect can plump up their romance stats to a sufficient level to trigger gems like this. Shepherd asks Ashley "Is my rank all you see when you look at me?" To which she replies with "No, I see a strong, passionate man. With a great ass." Must be the Ass Effect.
Never mind the emotional depth (cough) of Shepherd, basically the way to get his attentions is to just brand him a lump of meat, right to his face. Don't worry, he loves it. Other amazing Mass Effect lines of chat-up gold include "shut up and kiss me" and...
"Oh, an actual shower! The faucets in the women's bathroom are crap, by the way..." (Mass Effect 3)
Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more! This is from the Femshep shower scene in Mass Effect 3 (with FemShep and Samantha Traynor), which contains the equally brilliant but much more blunt suggestion: "In any event, I thought you might be in the mood to 'play'..." not so much a chat-up line as just asking 'I thought you might want to have sexy sex in that shower you're so impressed with'. And how do you even start to analyse that in terms of how it would help your pursuit of 100% paragon?
Still, something's gone wrong somewhere because everyone keeps at least some of their clothes on. Not quite sure they've got the hang of this...
"You're so cute I could eat you" (Yakuza)
Unfortunately, it seems that the object of Mr Yakuza's affections (he's 'Kazuma' to his friends, but Mr Yakuza to me) was only coming on so strong to make him down a spiked drink so his money could easily be stolen. Good thing really, she comes across as so desperate, nobody this side of the character described in the Offspring's Self Esteem would stick around long enough to get this far.
But at this juncture in the conversation, you really do have the option to use this sorry excuse for a chat-up line. I can only hope he too was only saying it because he wanted to steal her money... wait, what am I saying? This is all kinds of wrong whichever angle you look at it from.
"I'M THE CONDUCTOR OF THE POOP TRAIN!" (Borderlands 2)
Aw, poor Krieg. He sees the most beautiful woman he's ever seen in his life and wants to say something classy and appropriately poetic. But all he can manage is this. It's so wrong, she immediately tries to kill him. Such is the world of Borderlands 2 (and the amazing promotional video this is taken from).
Fortunately, Krieg lives long enough to get another crack at the pickup line whip, which he wields with considerable semantic power when he proclaims: "I POWDERED MY COCKATIEL FOR THE RIBCAGE SLAUGHTER!" Bet she hears that one all the time.
"I've baked a cake for you" (Mario 64)
Oh come on, this is totally a pick-up line. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach, and Peach has baked a cake just for Mario. It's probably still hot. With a moist centre. And chocolate dripping off the top AND OVER ITS SIDES. Imagine it, Mario. Imagine it.
Is it any wonder Mario hot-foots it over to the castle right away? Or any wonder that he risks his neck trying to rescue Peach from Bowser for the next 20 hours or so of classic 3D gaming? Did you not see how eagerly he bounds up to her in the end sequence? It was the cake line that did it.
"The only music I'm interested in is creakin' bedsprings while I take you for a magic ride on my purple submarine."
Look, I'm going to level with you here. The Leisure Suit Larry series is absolutely packed with awful pick-up lines, so we're going to have to dedicate a significant chunk of this feature to him. This 'gem' is from Box Office Bust, which also contains such hits as "Let's just say I'm not too picky. I'd f*** a cliff".
The script is already at the end of the sleazeball scale, but the slightly indifferent delivery of lines make it sound even more sleazy in the actual game. Basically all the dialogue in Box Office Bust needs a good washing with soap.
"So, waddaya say? A little game of drop the anchor? You and me? Stem to stern? Tug and tanker?" (Leisure Suit Larry 7)
What do you do when talking to Captain Thye? Plunder the semantic field of boats to make ludicrous sexual puns to try and get her into bed. Of course! She'll definitely love that.
Shame the reply is a succinct "God, Larry, you're pathetic". Ah well, plenty more fish in the sea... Eh? Eh? Oh.
I guess for all the money and success I've had as an orgy planner, "I'm really just a good ol' boy at heart." (Leisure Suit Larry: Magna Cum Lauda)
"It has a lot to do with the, uh, toxins... that can be trapped in your breasts, thanks to your bra! Now, it's very scientific, I don't want to go into the details. Your best bet is to take it off. Get some physical activity."
Q-bert! You dirty, dirty bastard! Say that again and you'll get a slap!
And yes, I only just got around to watching Wreck-It Ralph. Q-bert isn't going to get another moment in the spotlight for another 30 years so may as well make the most of it.
Care to share your favourite line?
Obviously you and I are too well-adjusted to ever use a pick-up line in real life. But maybe you heard one in a game that made you chuckle? Let us know in the comments. Either that or just share your game-related pickup lines. That's always good for a laugh.
And if you're looking for more, check out the Week of Love 2013 and Video game couples who aren't together, but really should be.