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GamesRadar Ultimate Character Battle! - Day 4

This is part 4 of a weeklong series of features. Click here for part 1part 2 and part 3.

Day 1 | Day 2 | Day 3 | Day 4 

Three days ago, we assembled a group of 64 powerful (or at least semi-well-known) combatants to square off against each other for the unofficial and highly dubious title of Best Character Ever, and already the competition has taken a heavy toll on our entrants. Only eight of the original 64 remain standing, and today, they're going to patch up their wounds, put on a brave face and pound the tar out of each other in the three final rounds.

Once again, five members of GamesRadar's inner illuminati met secretly to determine the winners by drawing names out of a hat. Then - guided by their senses of humor, a combined knowledge of videogames that could fill Wikipedia and an intense desire to get this thing over with - they determined, through stream-of-consciousness discussion, how each battle would go down. Here, then, are the final results of those shadowy meetings:


FROM: Sly Cooper series/Mortal Kombat series

 Sly Cooper is a master thief, an expert at stealth, guile and - when necessary - smacking things on the head with a length of hardwood and brass. However, Sub-Zero is a ninja, and is therefore an expert at all those things and then some. Also he shoots ice.

Sly is found two weeks later by sheriff's deputies in the trunk of an abandoned car, frozen solid underneath a see-through tarp. Sub-Zero wins.

 


 
FROM:
Pokémon series/Disgaea

 Consider the following: Charizard is a lizard who breathes fire, while Etna is a hypercompetent demon who commands an army of exploding penguins. Charizard maxes out at level 100, while Etna goes well into the thousands. Etna is sexy, and Charizard has no breasts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Etna wins.



FROM:
The Legend of Zelda series/The Internet

"TOON LINK!? WTF IS THIS GHEY SHIT!!?" bellows The Internet with the voice of a billion fanboys, completely oblivious to how stupid it sounds. Terrified, Link tries to run to safety, only to be buried alive under an avalanche of fake MySpace requests, pornographic fan art and boner-pill spam. The internet wins.



FROM:
Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!/The Incredible Hulk: Ultimate Destruction

 Putting aside his fear, Tyson approaches his much larger opponent and begins laying in punches in earnest. The minutes tick by as the fight wears on. Finally, Tyson - old, exhausted and unable to lift his shattered, bleeding arms - collapses in a heap as his rape trial flashes before his eyes.

Hulk blinks, looks around and - through a mouthful of Tyson's children - asks, "WAS PUNY HUMAN TRYING TO HURT HULK? HULK NOT KNOW, HULK ASKING PUNY HUMAN." Hulk wins.

  

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41 comments

  • D0CCON - May 29, 2011 11:02 p.m.

    After the Portal 2 ending, it looks like the companion cube can survive fire. IT COULD HAVE WON!!!
  • MFenix - May 6, 2011 9:50 p.m.

    In light of portal 2 companion cube should've at least of beat charizard.
  • SerpentineZERO - May 4, 2011 3:29 a.m.

    Surprising amount of people who took this seriously. I don't think they actually read the article. @Romination: That one also had running jokes, if not as many. It did have only have of the characters, though. "Actual battles? The ability to care about what's going on? " Did you suddenly stop getting the joke and start taking it seriously? You're entitled to your opinion, but i find that to be odd reasoning for an article that's nearly impossible to take seriously.
  • Romination - May 3, 2011 1:59 a.m.

    Linking back to this from your new character battle just highlights how bad that one is. Where are the running jokes? Actual battles? The ability to care about what's going on? You pulled two jokes from that one in this one- notably the ending of the new one is like where Crash is introduced here (even to the point of basically saying "because no one cares otherwise) and there's a curb stomp joke in both.
  • Darkhawk - April 30, 2011 11:33 p.m.

    Just as viable, for the Sub-Zero/Hulk match: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dj26N10Ymlg "Doc Bruce Banner, Pelted by Gamma Rays Turns into the Hulk, Ain't he unglamorous? Wrecking the town with the power of a bull There ain't no monster clown, who is as lovable As ever-lovin' Hulk. HULK! HULK!"
  • Glides - April 7, 2011 3:35 a.m.

    Of course the Hulk won! His video game was awesome
  • SlinkyDink - April 6, 2011 1:43 a.m.

    and Mike Tyson beating Master Chief, that actually made perfect sense to me even though I hate Mike Tyson.
  • SlinkyDink - April 6, 2011 1:42 a.m.

    This is probably the funniest thing I've read on the site, or the internet! I'm glad to see Hulk win, i thought you were gonna let the internet spam him to death. I gotta say though, ever since I read the first fight between Lara Croft and Simba on a skateboard I was rooting for Simba to win.
  • warsaz - April 6, 2011 1:40 a.m.

    Absolutely Awesome. great job guys.
  • JPorFavor - March 4, 2011 1:12 a.m.

    Brilliant. Truly.
  • EwoksTasteLikeChicken - January 1, 2011 9:03 p.m.

    I loved this contest! And people on here should loosen up, it was supposed to be funny, not serius.
  • joemama9999 - September 23, 2010 7:41 p.m.

    HULK COULDN'T HAVE POSSIBLY WON!!!! Master cheif would have won. (As mike tyson approaches master cheif, the cheif suddenly lunges at mike tyson and decapitates him with an energy sword. ) :)
  • Ganonpork - July 24, 2010 7:41 a.m.

    if you only had real video game chars etna would have won
  • Cyberninja - February 24, 2010 1:48 a.m.

    when are you going to make round 2 with newer characters and etna winning and ada would have won the fight the end
  • Turboash - February 18, 2010 7:33 p.m.

    Love the Mario fights... thats TOTALLY how they would go down! Oh, and anyone who uses the word "Really" as a question / sarcastic comment is a douche.
  • superfj0220 - January 9, 2010 3:05 a.m.

    DUDE!!! REALLY???!!!! WHAT THA F***???!!!!! SUB-ZERO SHOULD HAVE WON!!! I PROTEST THE DECISION!!!!!!!
  • bigkriem - January 6, 2010 3:14 a.m.

    HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLK YES IM RETARTED HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLK
  • Kordocwaffle - December 30, 2009 1:42 a.m.

    RYour best article yet
  • damunsta - December 29, 2009 11:22 p.m.

    Whats up with Mario, whys he such a dick.
  • Menelin - December 29, 2009 8:27 p.m.

    No, good sir. The Hulk does not win. This article, in fact, wins.

Showing 1-20 of 41 comments

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