Once again, five members of GamesRadar's inner illuminati met secretly to determine the winners by drawing names out of a hat. Then - guided by their senses of humor, a combined knowledge of videogames that could fill Wikipedia and an intense desire to get this thing over with - they determined, through stream-of-consciousness discussion, how each battle would go down. Here, then, are the final results of those shadowy meetings:
FROM: Sly Cooper series/Mortal Kombat series
Sly Cooper is a master thief, an expert at stealth, guile and - when necessary - smacking things on the head with a length of hardwood and brass. However, Sub-Zero is a ninja, and is therefore an expert at all those things and then some. Also he shoots ice.
Sly is found two weeks later by sheriff's deputies in the trunk of an abandoned car, frozen solid underneath a see-through tarp. Sub-Zero wins.
Consider the following: Charizard is a lizard who breathes fire, while Etna is a hypercompetent demon who commands an army of exploding penguins. Charizard maxes out at level 100, while Etna goes well into the thousands. Etna is sexy, and Charizard has no breasts.
"TOON LINK!? WTF IS THIS GHEY SHIT!!?" bellows The Internet with the voice of a billion fanboys, completely oblivious to how stupid it sounds. Terrified, Link tries to run to safety, only to be buried alive under an avalanche of fake MySpace requests, pornographic fan art and boner-pill spam. The internet wins.
Putting aside his fear, Tyson approaches his much larger opponent and begins laying in punches in earnest. The minutes tick by as the fight wears on. Finally, Tyson - old, exhausted and unable to lift his shattered, bleeding arms - collapses in a heap as his rape trial flashes before his eyes.
Hulk blinks, looks around and - through a mouthful of Tyson's children - asks, "WAS PUNY HUMAN TRYING TO HURT HULK? HULK NOT KNOW, HULK ASKING PUNY HUMAN." Hulk wins.