Games called 'ultimate' that are nothing of the sort

This was the inspiration for this feature. Meet Dizzy, a cartoon egg who rolls over as he jumps simply because his developers had gotten hold of some sprite rotation software. He starred in some amazing games, not least Treasure Island Dizzy, Fantasy World Dizzy and Magicland Dizzy. But, ironically, this is his first outing, which started everything off by boldly declaring itself ‘The Ultimate Cartoon Adventure’. No room for improvement there. Might as well go home.

Why it isn’t the ultimate: Because we’ve had so many objectively ‘better’ cartoon adventures since the original Dizzy, it’d actually be closer to the truth if it was called ‘Dizzy: The absolute worst cartoon adventure’. Not strictly true (remember Bubsy 2?) but more true than what they actually went with.

Disney's Guitar Hero rip-off has this to say of its content: "You can jam and perform to 15 timeless songs on the drums, lead guitar, bass guitar or rhythm guitar. Become the best songwriter in rock history, as you lay down tracks in the recording studio and apply creative mixing effects to create that ultimate song which will make you the Ultimate Band!"

Why it isn't the ultimate: Because the ultimate band would be John Lennon on Vocals/Piano, Jimi Hendrix on lead guitar, Tom Morello on rhythm, Lemmy on bass and Ginger Baker on drums. Now look at the picture above and tell me that line-up of malformed blow-up Steps dolls is better. There you go.

This 2009 collection brings together all of Agent 47’s misadventures under one cardboard lid (or at least the ones that had been released up until that point, obviously). Four games. And presumably the ‘contract’ part of the title is that between you and the shop keeper when you buy this game. It’s the best contract you’ll ever make.

Why it isn’t ultimate: Never mind the fact more Hitman games would come later, surely the ‘Hitman Ultimate Contract’ would be the one where someone pays 47 to kill himself. Right? Well, this collection doesn’t do that.

Stop laughing, this was impressive tech for 1993. Minute details like the weight of the ball and how it reacts to the surface it’s rolling on are simulated, as is a pseudo-3D perspective of the pitch. I’ve actually played it and it’s alright. A ringing endorsement if ever there was one.

Why it isn’t the ultimate: Well, even on Mega Drive, by this point the ‘ultimate’ football game had evidently been released in the shape of Sensible Soccer. Ultimate Soccer may have looked better and sounded better, but if it wasn’t even ‘ultimate’ at the time, it’s hardly going to stand up against FIFA 14, is it? Also, despite all the ‘betters’ it clearly has to its name, at no point would anyone be able to say this game is ‘best’. Except whoever wrote the title, obviously.

Adding wizardy language like ‘Prepare Thyself, Player 1’ and ‘Wizercise’ is obviously how you wizard up a supercharged Donkey Kong Junior clone on Commodore 64. And it does actually sound rather lovely when it first loads up with its wonderful 8-bit sound effects. Until you realise they used *all* the sound effects. All of them. Climbed a ladder? Sound effect. Cut your nails? Sound effect. Breathed in and out? Sound effect. They don’t make ‘em like this any more, folks.

Why it isn’t the Ultimate: I highly doubt the ‘ultimate wizard’ would always run like he’s on fire. And besides, Gandalf is obviously the ultimate wizard. Look at this one. This one isn’t even as good Ron Weasley.

Ultimate Ride is a 3D rollercoaster-building simulation. You get to mould themed environments into whatever shape you like, run your rollercoaster track through it in any way you like and then populate the route with amazing incidental details, like this incredible low-polygon dragon. Awww, he's got a little house and everything.

Why it isn’t the ultimate: There’s no Twitter integration. Or Oculus Rift support (now that would be cool… or at least a surefire method of regurgitating whatever you just ate). And of course the RAM limitations of 12-year-old gaming mean that the experience is incredibly one-note from a visual point of view. Basically, it would be better if they added a third colour. Anywhere.

Spidey, Wolverine and all your other cartoon pals team up to smash bad guys into next week. Solid 8/10 fare ensued (which is quite sad, really, if the ‘ultimate’ Marvel alliance is merely ‘quite good’) but it was an impressive team-up event nonetheless. But let's just say for argument's sake it really was a 10/10 game. OK. Ready?

Why it isn’t the ultimate: It had a sequel called Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2. What did I say about ‘Infinity +1’?

Who am I kidding? The word 'Ultimate' clearly makes all these games the ideal purchase decisions. Why play Ni No Kuni when you can play Dizzy The Ultimate Adventure? Exactly. So we should probably name GR 'GamesRadar Ultimate'. Or even 'Ultimate GamesRadar'. '2'. The petition starts here, folks. By the way, if you can think of any more 'Ultimate' games that aren't anything of the sort, do let us know in the comments.

And if you're looking for more, check out 10 incredibly interesting things you didn't know about Dizzy and 12 great games with god-awful boxart.