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Dating according to videogames

We’ve scrutinized and analyzed some of our favorite seminal game relationships to create this guide to actual dating. You’ll get advice on meeting singles, maintaining a successful relationship and taking your friendships to the next level, all straight from the mouths of the most emotionally stable and satisfied game characters (through us) and right to you.

We all know that balancing a serious relationship with a virile gaming appetite can be challenging to even the most attractive gamer (see picture, above). But as serious gamers, we’re also constantly finding that the skills we learn from games have new and unexpected real-world applications, and to the astute gamer, the game of love is no exception. Have you ever saved someone in a game and watched them fall under the sensual spell of your character’s gaze of mucho loving while thinking to yourself “I wish real life could be like this?” Well, with this article, it can be.


Above: This is the look

You’ve already taken the first step by reading this guide

But the second (and equally important) step is meeting someone you like and convincing them to like you too. The best way to do this is to save someone from an arch-villain bent on kidnapping your would-be date and forcing you to navigate a series of increasingly difficult areas and defeat enemies with progressively more ingenious movement patterns to get him or her back. Sadly, not everyone has an arch-villain handy, and for those who don’t, there are a few other things you can do to get a date – things that don’t require you to re-save your helpless counterpart every couple years, when the sequels come out.


Above: Gets the same girlfriend every few years 


Meeting your new boyfriend or girlfriend

Assuming you haven’t already become a private detective and started tracking down available kidnap victims, you can try meeting someone by getting involved in a local club, sport or social group. There are many places to do this, but none of them are in your house playing games.  We’re very sure about this – we’ve tried. So find a convenient save location, quit whatever you’re playing, apply an appropriate amount of sunscreen, print this article to take with you and walk outside.

Good, it’s brighter here. Now that you’re out of the house, you should find an activity that you can enjoy with other people – no, not an MMO. Look around, do you see a quest? A quest is another word for an activity and is a great way to meet people. There should be one nearby, but if none are available, rest and try again in the morning.


Above: Study this image. One of these men has a quest to offer you 

Your first quest might be anything from clearing an obstruction in the engine room, saving the world from a dark power or retrieving Mrs. Fiddlefaddle’s missing pies. No matter how degrading or menial it is, work hard. Once you’re close enough to the end, you’ll probably run into your new girlfriend or boyfriend.

Here’s a classic example from Final Fantasy VII. Early in the game, Cloud is on his quest to help out the rebel group Avalanche pull detrimental practical jokes on the corrupt Shinra corporation, when he runs into the flower girl, Aerith, for the first time.

See what he did there? Cloud comes across as a guy with important things to do because of his mission, which makes it easy for Aerith to start a conversation. She asks him “What happened?” but rather than keep the focus on himself, Cloud ignores her question and notices that she’s really into flowers. He comments on them even though he, no doubt, finds flowers totally lame, and then to seal the deal he buys one from her. This shows her that he’s sensitive and appreciates her useless hobby, which sets her at ease and plants the first seeds of their legendary romance.


Starting a conversation

In the average game, it should take no more than two hours to meet someone you’re obviously fated to fall in love with, so don’t sweat it - you’ve got plenty of time. Spend at least three to four hours looking for your real-life true love before considering turning down the difficulty (or lowering your standards).

OK, now that you’ve appropriately calibrated your standards and found that certain someone special enough, you have to say something to them. If you have more than one dialogue option, you might have to venture a guess about what he or she might be interested in. Sometimes there’s no way for you to know, but a discerning eye and quick wit can increase your chances of catching his or her interest. Study this follow-up to the previous example with Cloud and Aerith to improve your ability to strike up a conversation:


Above: The correct answer is “Yes” 


Getting shot down

This will happen to you, but don’t be discouraged. There’s no way to tell if you’ve got a match without putting yourself out there. For example, Mario and Luigi are both great guys looking for the right princess, but they’re also very different. One is really into red but the other thinks red clothes are for douchebags.

The girl they’re usually courting, Princess Peach, likes mustaches, knowledge of plumbing, a discerning taste for mushrooms and red caps with overalls; obviously, Luigi’s out of luck. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with him, he just needs to find a princess who shares his sense of style.

If you find yourself in Luigi’s unenviable position, it’s OK. The important thing is to keep it in perspective and walk away with your pride intact. You never hear Luigi say this:

 

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64 comments

  • TheWebSwinger - June 16, 2009 10:35 p.m.

    This is such an odd article, even by GR standards.
  • gatornation1254 - June 15, 2009 9:13 p.m.

    Oh my shit that was one of the funniest things I've ever read. Don't forget boys and girls to always use a condom. ReCAPTCHA: teabag the really now
  • solsunforge - June 14, 2009 8:32 a.m.

    Yeah ive noticed that many of the articles under pc have nothing to do with pc. Except sierra vs lucas arts and the lame E3 coverage for computer gaming.
  • curly_jefferson - June 14, 2009 4:48 a.m.

    Paul you forgot to mention that if the exclamation mark is grey your not good looking enough for this quest.
  • wiigamer024 - June 13, 2009 11:54 p.m.

    lets see here... i have it narrowed to 2 suits. overalls, or tennis shoes, tough choice... also, i have to remember those corny "i love you" lines too!
  • bdubyah - June 13, 2009 8:47 p.m.

    How in the world is this a 360 feature if nearly every game is a sony or nitendo game?
  • disturbedanomaly36 - June 12, 2009 10:57 p.m.

    ridiculesly comical Paul Ryan article, and just at the right time, after E3, maybe i should try this stuff, seeing how i still dont have a girlfriend
  • GamesRadarPaulRyan - June 12, 2009 5:16 p.m.

    Yes, good thinking, uz_mike222. In fact, everyone should forward this article to at least five of their friends. Not for me, do it for the world.
  • uz_mike222 - June 12, 2009 7:50 a.m.

    LOL! good Article Paul, i havent read one of your articles since Gamesradar was Cheat Planet. I love this and i bet it will work. If not, put a Tutu on me and call me shirly. (not really though) But i might use this and email this article to a couple of other friends. Should have made this during the middle of the school year, could have helped. But either way, still love the Great Personality and the Fable II screenshots. AWESOME!!! Keep it up Mr. Paul Ryan, you ladies man!!
  • Smashbrosgod10 - June 12, 2009 6:55 a.m.

    makes perfect sense.
  • alfonso.hdez - June 12, 2009 5:36 a.m.

    Wow! This.was.amazing. Loved the article, Pullitzer material, shall I dare say?
  • Gsindahouse - June 11, 2009 8:55 p.m.

    That Article is actually the first one I'd ever actually READ!... Word for word on GR. I'd never done that in all my time on GR. I dont think often if so, you know? I just never did, but I'd seen the title, and I just had to take my time with this one, and I'm Glad I did. EVERY ASPECT OF COMEDY IN THIS ARTICLE WAS AMAZINGLY HILARIOUS!!! Next Time(hoping there is one...) Dont forget about romance-filled (deliberately) games like... -Tales of Legendia -Ar Tonelico: Melody of Elemia -Ar Tonelico II: Melody of Metafalica You'll get EVEN funnier tips from these loveydovey games!
  • marluxia2500 - June 11, 2009 8:44 p.m.

    Great Personality lmao
  • bonerachieved - June 11, 2009 2:02 p.m.

    As soon as i saw the Fable 2 Screen Shot with the simple explanation, I burst out a chuckle in the middle of class
  • ranzatsu - June 11, 2009 9:33 a.m.

    No no no!!! I'm all about Cloud and Tifa. Aerith is just a whiny flower girl who eventually gets killed, and reunites with ZACK. Duh! And besides, Cloud crushed on Tifa when he was young. And you can't stop it if (insert name of FF Storymaking Dude) decides to make them a couple! And I'm getting pretty sick of all this CloudXAerith nonsense! Why don't you understand the story?!
  • Alopez - June 11, 2009 2:57 a.m.

    Thank you guys for letting me in.
  • Spybreak8 - June 11, 2009 2:17 a.m.

    haha just wear tennis shoes, I might try that!
  • td823934 - June 10, 2009 3:10 p.m.

    That wasn't funny at all!
  • rxb - June 10, 2009 10:03 a.m.

    If I start dating a pretty flower girl should I expect her to die 10 hours later?
  • NipplesTheSuperHippo - June 10, 2009 3:39 a.m.

    lol, this was awesome.

Showing 1-20 of 64 comments

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