Gone to the dogs
The Call of Duty Dog phenomenon born from the Xbox One reveal event is a beautiful thing. We can always get behind a canine cause, especially when the pooch is part of our beloved video game world. However, the animal kingdom is a vast place, and not every creature that walks the Earth can feature in a big time video game.
There are plenty of animals that, unlike CoD Dog, won't be making video games any time soon--least of all at E3 2013. We've thought of twelve that are sure to be absent from next week's video game bonanza.
Why they won't: Goats aren't exactly the most interesting animals in the world. Most of the time they're standing around chewing cud and staring at each other. Who wants to play that? Plus, goats had their chance in the spotlight in the Medal of Honor reboot, and they blew it.
...but if they were: A brand new karaoke game allows us to supplant any part of a song with the infamous goat scream. Hilarity ensues.
Why they won't: As much as the internet loves the sloth, they're slow, dim-witted creatures that sit in trees all day. They make funny faces, but other than that their entertainment value is zero.
...but if they were: Sloth DLC for Animal Crossing. Seriously, considering all of the different species Nintendo's life sim sports, where's the sloth named Slowpoke?
Why they won't: Meerkats and prairie dogs go hand-in-hand; they both primarily stay underground, poking their heads out every once in a while for food or to scout for danger. Do you think there's a market for a Sim-Ant style meerkat game? We sure don't.
...but if they were: Maxis would have resurrect the old TV show Meerkat Manor with a meerkat life simulation game for us to be on board. That or Disney adding The Lion King's Timon and Pumbaa to Disney Infinity...which seems a lot more plausible. Hakuna Matata indeed.
Why they won't: This one is confident that the jellyfish-like Hanar from Mass Effect are the closest thing we'll ever see to a jellyfish character in a video game. This one founds that belief on the fact that jellyfish are literally just blobs of goo with stingy tentacles. This one is tired.
...but if they were: This one believes that a game featuring the hanar spectre Blasto would be the equivalent of the Enkindlers smiling down upon us. This one fully endorses that idea.
Why they won't: Cute as they are, sea otters don't lend themselves well to video games. They're either swimming around or laying on their backs eating. Unless it was some kind of "smash the crap out of a clam with the otter's tail" minigame... which might be fun, actually.
...but if they were: Aside from the clam-smashing example above, there is actually a tiny chance that South Park: The Stick of Truth will feature the sea otters from the "Go God Go" episodes. Science be praised!
Why they won't: Seriously, how the hell would a platypus feature in a video game other than being a Goomba-like character that walks around waiting to get jumped on?
...but if they were: The only hope for platypus-kind nowadays is Perry the Platypus, but unless he features in the next Phineas and Ferb game or he scores his own title, there's no other reason for him to be there. Although, Perry as a Smash Bros combatant would be intriguing...
Why they won't: They're the world's largest rodent. Most people don't like small field mice, so the idea of a mouse-like creature the size of a small dog wouldn't go over so well. Although the guinea pig owners among us might feel right at home.
...but if they were: Call of Duty Dog needs a partner, right? How about Corporal Curtis Capybara, leader of Rat Platoon? The two would be the Batman and Robin of animal army duos. And no, the company Capybara doesn't count, even if their logo is an adorable capy.
Why they won't: Just like many reading this are wondering what the hell an okapi is, the creatues itself isn't really sure. Zebra? Steer? Gazelle? The utter confusion makes it hard to place an Okapi in any particular setting, aside from an Afrika or Tokyo Jungle sequel.
...but if they were: Capcom should make Okapi, a spiritual successor to Clover Studio's smash hit Okami, starring a brand new creature tasked with bringing color back to the world, starting with choosing one color for his body.
Why they won't: Aardvarks seemed to be overshadowed by the anteater, and rightfully so. Anteaters have that cool long snout, while aardvarks are stuck with that gross pig nose. Even the one video game starting an aardvark, the Commodore 64 classic Aardvark, was adapted from the arcade game Anteater with the same premise. Anteaters are just better.
...but if they were: Star Fox's newest challenge is posed by the ruthless Aar D'Varkian, the leader of a space pirate gang looking to conquer and enslave the innocent people of AntEternia... and who ends up working for Andross all along.
Why they won't: We can't help but giggle like 4th-graders whenever we hear the name of this bird, so we can only assume that seeing the first ever video game starring a blue footed booby would stir up some immature laughter across the board. There are plenty of other birds to choose from that won't cause such immaturity, so ol' Blue here will always be left out.
...but if they were: A blue footed booby named Jugghead becomes the new co-mascot of the Dead or Alive fighting series, the other being Timmy the titmouse.
Why they won't: This little guy used to be on the top of the digital animal kingdom; what the heck happened? Crash hasn't been seen in years, overshadowed by the huge success of his buddy Spyro in Skylanders, so what's next for the former face of PlayStation?
...but if they were: We hope Crash gets a new game soon, especially with the impending launch of the PS4, although we always hoped he'd be DLC for PlayStation All-Stars Battle Royale... that can still happen, right?
Why he won't: Seaman already had his chance, but he was too busy being insulting and creeping everyone out in his tank. Asking irrelevant questions like "when is your birthday?" and making sure we stay just friends...like we would ever consider a relationship with a sarcastic man-fish...
...but if he was: Perhaps Seaman can make a triumphant return to the gaming world on one of Nintendo's platforms, but if there were to be a Seaman resurgence, we'd much rather it be a cameo in the background of a Sega game somewhere. We wouldn't be able to handle that kind of rejection again.