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Absolutely terrifying 'sexy' images of 8-bit 'babes'

Women in games are, generally speaking, made to be pleasing to the eye. They're perfectly formed pretty-faced beauties. But game makers haven't always had the necessary tools to create such impossible visions of lovely. Back in the day, coders and artists tried their hardest to make sexy using nothing but a cripplingly limited colour palette and a bunch of hard-edged pixels. Some did an admirable job, others made images that were nothing short of terrifying. Obviously for the purposes of cruel humour, this article is entirely about the latter category. Behold the horror...

Warning! This article contains imagery of a sexual nature that some may find laughable and/or completely piss poor.

Annaconda

Of course she's sad. Her arms look like a mouse's staircase and she has blood leaking blood from her eye.

Barbarian II


Clue: the one without eyes is made of pixels.

Bunny Jagd


This is from a German developer called A&S Soft. You'll get to know their distinctive visual style pretty well while perusing this list. Apparently the aim of Bunny Jagd - an 'interactive fiction' for the Commodore 64 - is to find the most beautiful girl in the world. We assume that the above is not her.

Cover Girl Strip Poker

Fair enough most people playing a strip poker game aren't looking at the faces, but still...

Dallax: Sex and Crime in Southfork


Another classic from A&S Soft. We're not sure what's happening here exactly, but it looks like the Thing from Fantastic Four is about to commit an act of indecency.

Dr Foster


It doesn't matter that this resides on the very lowest tier of erotic, we're still obliged to cover the exposed 'breasts'. Silly really. But don’t worry, you're not missing anything. Unlike the breasts, which are missing their nipples.

Elvira II


This one's good. Not terrifying at all. We only kept it on the list because the sexy stare of the bouffant-helmeted goth seductress on the box caught our eye. We realised that we don't have anything like enough pictures of bouffant-helmeted goth seductresses modestly showing off their collection of evil pumpkin heads on the site. So that was kind of the motivation for including it. Hope you don't mind.

Emanuelle


Back in 1989 nobody really posed the 'are games art?' question. We don't know why.

F****** Fiona


We're holding out for an HD remake of this one, but nothing announced yet. We'll keep you posted.

Galdregon's Domain

If you were making a fantasy game with warriors and swords and helmets back in the 80s, Arnie Schwarzenegger was *the* archetypal image to shamelessly plagiarise. As for the women... any old vision of hag would do as long as she was terrifyingly muscular, had an exposed rear-end and could crush a magical orb of lightning with her bare hands.

Hollywood Poker

The yellow face and saggy tit look. Not exactly the most desirable opponent for a sneaky round of strip - sorry, *Hollywood* - poker. The Spectrum version opted to give the reclining in-game lady abomination a healthy grey skin colour:

At least, we guess, her skin matches her bra and panties. Colour coordination and all that. We think we preferred this one with her clothes on, though...


The above image is so 80s the only thing missing is Michael J Fox.

Keep going! Sex and strip start with 'S'...

35 comments

  • eee - December 9, 2009 7:01 p.m.

    That was some of the wierdist yet sexist sh@# I have ever seen. also LoL dike on a bike
  • eee - December 9, 2009 6:33 p.m.

    Omg I loved this article believe me I rarly say omg
  • catlover - October 21, 2009 1:16 a.m.

    sexy, like what iWant wit my GTAViceCity Coaster Art package.
  • wrapdump - October 4, 2009 12:28 p.m.

    This was very funny, of course it was, but strewth how much legwork and research must go into something like this, and many of GR's other articles? Serious respect.
  • Danielnoctis - October 3, 2009 10:06 a.m.

    \m/, Hot ,\m/ especially the middle girl.
  • Ninja-KiLLR - October 2, 2009 11:15 p.m.

    this is hilarous GR can do no wrong
  • noobeater - October 1, 2009 6:40 p.m.

    hahaha llamalords u made me smile more then the article, which did have a fair share of witty banter = funny to the common folk
  • IHateMakingUserIDs - October 1, 2009 5:17 p.m.

    That close up of the Europa Games chick looked more like Jesus then the Jesus in the tortilla, in the sidewalk crack Jesus, Jesus in the window reflection, and in the pancake Jesus combined!
  • Guardian88 - October 1, 2009 4:49 p.m.

    Also take a look at Strip Tavla. She has six fingers. Five are visible and the thumb behind the board.
  • jackthemenace - October 1, 2009 4:37 p.m.

    yh, totally... "sexy" also, the confirmation thing here says 15-year-old- is that jsut to make me feel bad for being 14?
  • Unoriginal - October 1, 2009 1:46 p.m.

    I didn't even noteice that the Strip Poker 2 girl was stripping. Her eyes stare right into your soul, and not in the pleasant way.
  • allthegoodnameswheretaken - October 1, 2009 1:23 p.m.

    This article is very creepy.
  • Arch27 - October 1, 2009 1:19 p.m.

    That 2nd pic for LSL is from the VGA remake of LSL1. It's the hooker you try to get with upstairs from the bar you start in. I remember thinking how f'ing scary she looked even back then.
  • Matt Cundy - October 1, 2009 8:55 a.m.

    @manaconda Yes. You're right. @THORSTEINTHESTAFFSTRUCK It's not fear. It's our moral responsibility to protect children from this sick filth.
  • Spybreak8 - October 1, 2009 8:25 a.m.

    lol MS Paint FTW and Posterization too. ^^ ha Repatcha: "curviest Torres" mmmmm
  • DarbonX - October 1, 2009 6:05 a.m.

    Cannot unsee
  • blastfemur - October 1, 2009 5:21 a.m.

    That was THE funniest GR article ever!!! I had to post for my first time just because it had me rolling!!!
  • dweller - October 1, 2009 3 a.m.

    80's sure had a lot of muscular women-ish... things.
  • MattK - October 1, 2009 2:37 a.m.

    Both of the Leisure Suit Larry images are from the first game: Leisure Suit Larry in the Land of the Lounge Lizards. The first is from the original AGI release, and the second is from the VGA remake (though from the poor coloring, I'd say it's the scaled down EGA version). You could almost do a whole article on the "sexiness" and sexual imagery in the entire LSL series, from the titillating images to the hidden images (where's Frederick Wertham for THOSE hidden images?!) to the straight up cartoon nudity easter eggs of the last REAL Larry game (Leisure Suit Larry: Love for Sail).
  • ForceCSW - October 1, 2009 2:18 a.m.

    I suppose it is important that we dont let the children see the three pink pixels that are supposed to be nipples... keep up the good work GR, for you are the guardians of society.

Showing 1-20 of 35 comments

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