9 worst types of gamer to have on your team

The concept of joining forces to co-operatively battle a common enemy in a game is beautiful. But in practice, when you've formed an alliance online, sometimes your own team-mates can be more of an enemy than the enemy. There are millions of strangers out there to partner up with, so how come we always seem to end up fighting side-by-side with some of the worst types of gamers out there? Like this bunch of a-holes, for example...

Undeniably plucky of character but ultimately ineffectual excess baggage that constantly needs rescuing, reviving, retrieving and/or resuscitating. Co-op 'damsels' have none of the redeeming characteristics of the traditional 'damsel in distress' image. That is, they aren't vulnerable maidens all tied up and waiting for a hero, but are just men that aren't very good at games.

Recently made unpopular thanks to the likes of Resident Evil 5, Gears of War 2 and any other co-op game that likes to leave journals and diary entries scattered about. Slow readers love to read absolutely everything. Slowly. And sometimes twice. They believe that taking time out during an intense shooter to properly digest several screens of text is an integral part of the experience. Literate people have never been so annoying.

Ignores the game in favour of accessing supposedly inaccessible areas and generally trying to exploit broken bits of the game to their advantage. This means that they spend all of their time bouncing up and down on bits of the environment like a demented jack-in-the-box and generally behaving as though a fairly essential section of their brain has been removed.

Suffers from a complete inability to admit personal culpability, instead choosing to finger-point and fabricate mistruths to cover their own ineptitude. Blamers are masters of creative bullshitting and can effortlessly deflect accusations of weak gaming skills with frightening efficiency. Typical favoured scapegoats of blamers often include: inadequate co-op partners ("f***ing noobs"), technical deficiencies ("f***ing lag") and acts of God ("f***ing swarm of killer bees").

Very reluctant talker. Sessions with a mute can be surreal affairs, often tinged with a pervading sense of creepiness thanks to the deafening headset silence. A mute will occasionally offer a primitive mumble, grunt or noisy nasal exhalation. Actual spoken words are extremely rare, monosyllabic and only uttered when a lesser form of audible communication isn't effective enough. Has less personality than an AI team-mate. Feels like playing with a stalker.

The motor-mouthed antithesis of the mute. There are plenty of friendly, good-natured gobshites out there that just like to natter, but we're not talking about them. We're specifically talking about the smack-talking gobshites that relentlessly vomit unfunny and offensive mouth waste. They might be able to nail a headshot from a hundred paces, but there's no fun in winning when you're teamed-up with one of these nasty little sphincter stains.

Playful jokers or irritating twats? If they're 'playing' on your side then they do, without doubt, always belong in the latter category. There's nothing like being on the wrong end of a griefer's pranks to make you rage like a mental pissed-up wasp with hypertension trapped in the world's most cramped jam jar. It can ruin your day. Conversely, to cheer yourself up again, watching griefers making other gamers' lives a misery can be quite the tonic. Strange.

Completely oblivious of and inconsiderate to other players. Their actions are dictated by their own needs and whims. They selfishly grab all the best pick-ups and have absolutely no hesitation in abandoning team-mates. They never listen to tactics and don't have even the faintest interest in playing as a group or partnership. A lone wolf firmly believes that 'team' is spelt 'teiam' and thinks 'co-operation' is a surgery-based board game.

Likes to shout a lot and is intensely serious. Plays like there are actual real human lives at stake. Pretends to be well acquainted with the fundaments of tactical military manoeuvre and loves barking things like "FORM UP PINCER FORMATION!", "EXECUTE FLANK MANOEUVRE!" and "LET'S HIT 'EM HARD PEOPLE!" at bewildered team-mates. Would almost certainly be scared shitless if they actually went within 100 miles of a real-life war zone.

May 14, 2009

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Top 7... Stereotypical gamers we hate
Avoid these gamers at all costs


  • sandninja93 - February 2, 2010 7:23 p.m.

    im a loner and a mute im a mute cause i wont speak unless spoken to and im a loner cause i hate people but want the online achivments
  • FanofSaiyan - December 12, 2009 9:52 p.m.

    I think I might be a gobshite, but a good one, not a bad one.
  • IronMantista - August 5, 2009 10:31 p.m.

    You know I'm a bit of every one of these, except greifer, But i remember one time i accidentally ran up to a guy on my team and blasted him in the face with a shotgun. I forgot i was on the blue team. Concelebrated Hefner
  • Csheroe - July 11, 2009 9:17 p.m.

    Haha, acts of god, killer bees!
  • Godmode990 - July 4, 2009 6:40 a.m.

    I have a Friend who is a "Pretend Glitch finder". He goes "lemme go try something" Then I leave him alone, and suddenly he comes up to me with a friggin gravity hammer and chops my head of.
  • LieutenantCipher - July 3, 2009 1:24 a.m.

    Never been online, but my friends are most definitely blamers. Especially the Halo players XD
  • 360nerd - May 25, 2009 3:33 a.m.

    Great article, I was lmao until I realized that I'm a Drill Sergeant FML
  • Warewullf - May 21, 2009 12:06 p.m.

    All of which reminds me why I don't play online games. Also, Timothy Claypole!! Great image choice!
  • SlinkyDink - May 18, 2009 11:41 p.m.

    my boy tony is the loudest drill sargeant type dude online. im a griefer, and i love it. so everyone might as well avoid us both.
  • MGS4SolidSnake - May 18, 2009 8:12 p.m.

    i hate the people that are good at fps's...then they go around talking about going into the military and being a like "just becuase u can snipe in cod4 doesnt mean u can go around being an actual sniper" they seriously think that good video game skills translates into good actual gun skills
  • Cernunnos - May 18, 2009 10:24 a.m.

    im a mute. the headset is never on though, im kinda shy... lol every one is an effing lone-wolf. i cant believe how many times ive died in WaW and people i KNOW have second chance just stand there while i bleed out or just jumps over my last standing, dying ass. rarely do people even try to play as a team, everyones mentality is set to free-for-all...
  • Ninja-KiLLR - May 17, 2009 9:32 p.m.

    im a lone wolf. but i tend to be a team player when it comes to socom. but i also kinda dont talk alot either
  • crumbdunky - May 17, 2009 8 a.m.

    It's funny when you get a drill sargeant give out a million orders in, like, twelve seconds then you just hear the two mutes on your team sigh at once. And you forgot "the Apologist"-the guy who keeps saying sorry about his ping, his connection, how he's tired, how he was abused as a child etc, etc. They may not be as common but they're easily the wierdest-apart from those on PSN that like to confuse everyone by using the PSEye mic (and all the echoes and stuff it brings) rather than a £10 heady.
  • Brainspike367 - May 17, 2009 5:39 a.m.

    I am a mute. To tell you the truth, I haven't plugged my headset in my headset more the twice in the last 3 months.
  • helloimgaydo - May 16, 2009 10:40 p.m.

    I'm probably the mute, but thats mainly because of the gobshite.
  • Neurotoxin - May 16, 2009 2:21 p.m.

    This collection of people who show up frighteningly often on Xbox live is exactly why I stopped playing. I distinctly remember the team leader in Ghost Recon being genuinely offended when he was barking orders and nobody cared/listened. He'd say things like "I need situational awareness guys, tell me when an area is clear." I couldn't help but laugh but even more so when he got offended. Of course, the reason he got so irritated was because nobody followed his "orders" or played along with his military-speak. Started yelling and saying he could "take them on his own" and that "we would never pass in the army." After a play commented on that, they got into a heated argument mid-match about how "gay" the Navy was. I've come to the conclusion that Xbox Live has the worst multiplayer community that has ever been established. For many reasons, one of which I discussed above. I don't mention PS3 here because, well, I don't have any experience with multiplayer on PS3.
  • manics01 - May 16, 2009 10:14 a.m.

    First!!!!!!!!! what a kick ass article rite more like it please gr
  • thejadefalcon - May 16, 2009 10:14 a.m.

    "Would almost certainly be scared shitless if they actually went within 100 miles of a real-life war zone." Everyone is scared shitless when they go near a war zone. Everyone.
  • cooolkid94 - May 16, 2009 5:31 a.m.

    I mostly hate blamers.
  • Ezekiel17 - May 16, 2009 4:21 a.m.

    I always find The Damsel when I play Rock Band 2 online. Gawd, it's annoying playing with newbies/ people who suck. reCaptcha: the hugest (insert word here) [Lol!]

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