8 games with disastrously botched rescue missions

Generally, the first rule when it comes to rescuing hostages is ‘don’t let everybody get horribly done in.’ But sadly, this proves too much of a stumbling block for many game heroes. Be it accidentally killing geriatrics with a killer virus or letting the damsel in distress get crushed by a cow, the following rescue missions all get botched. Spectacularly.

Operation ‘Watch all your
friends get gunned down'

Failing to rescue anyone in: Far Cry 2

The mission

After various acts of terrorism, murder and theft, all committed in the name of returning peace to an area of war-torn Africa (natch), your gun for hire faces a moral conundrum. Save a bunch of their murderous mercenary buddies in a bar, surrounded by hostiles. Or, rescue a church full of innocent, doe-eyed villagers from the same dastards. Naturally, most of us black-hearted souls always choose the former.

Above: We suggest saving the kids over the mercs if you’ve yet to play
Far Cry 2

Where it goes wrong

Strategically, trying to save your buddies from 20 guys toting AK47s by taking cover inside Mike’s Bar (a pub with wafer-thin walls) isn’t the best plan. As a result, the bar gets surrounded, hails of gunfire fly in through every window and the rescuees die from an overdose of… eh, too many bullets to the face. Pity, if we’d just gone to church we could have actually saved the kids and God wouldn’t now hate us.

How the day could have been saved

Hiding with your merc mates in the depths of the African jungle in the first image below (situated a convenient minute’s stroll in every direction from Mike’s Bar) seems to be a more viable escape plan, especially when the alternative was holing up in a death-trap/dilapidated pub. Hindsight’s a wonderful thing when you’re facing death at the hands of pissed-off military insurgents.

Where we should have hidden

Where we actually hid

Operation ‘This rescue attempt is
so shitty we should have just
killed the hostages ourselves’

Failing to rescue anyone in: Resident Evil

The mission

After a bunch of people bite the big one on the outskirts of Racoon City, Special Forces unit S.T.A.R.S. send their Bravo team to investigate a mansion situated in the heart of murder central. But soon they go missing and the unit’s Alpha team is sent out to find and save their work chums.

Above: S.T.A.R.S. (Shit. Totally. Abject. Rescue. Squad.)

Where it goes wrong

Letting every single Bravo member (bar one) get either eaten, nibbled on or swallowed probably wasn’t on the mission briefing. So botched is Alpha team's rescue attempt that one of their own members gets eaten by zombie dogs within seconds of stepping out of the rescue chopper. Even worse, best boss ever, Albert Wesker, leader of Alpha, is partially responsible for the whole undead outbreak and even murders Bravo’s squad leader.

How the day could have been saved

If S.T.A.R.S. had entrusted the rescue operation to a bunch of schizophrenic mental patients. Seriously, no one’s batting average could be worse than Alpha’s bumbling idiots. And, if they controlled the urge to shiv everyone in sight, we’d bet our readies the mentals would have saved a couple of folk… or bits of them, anyway.

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  • Conman93 - August 3, 2009 12:13 p.m.

    I knew straight away resi would be in this
  • SaulFidgeonGuy - August 2, 2009 12:09 p.m.

    what about FF VII Crisis Core? at the start, you go on a mission to find Genesis and some other Soldiers instead, Genesis turns out to have gone evil, your friend Sephiroth runs off to join him(and we all know how that works out), and Angeal is thinking of doing the same
  • Ricky1794 - August 2, 2009 10:29 a.m.

    HAHAHAHAHA I like the Far cry 2 one i remember that the first time around i helped my merc buddies and i hid behind the bar counter for like ten minutes and then died when i coughed and actually pressed the B button, stood up and got shot.....and died soon after.........Anywhere 100KM in that general direction,I wanted to tell the mercs the same thing
  • yoreAtowel - July 31, 2009 5:23 p.m.

    "Don’t be fooled kids, old Albert is worse than Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin combined." ! -------------> O_o
  • jar-head - July 31, 2009 5:06 p.m.

    lmfao STARS
  • Red - July 31, 2009 4:50 p.m.

    I think it was my sixth play through before I finally figured out it was actually Snake killing the Darpa Chief and the Arms Tech President. I was like ten at the time, and even today that game is still confusing as shit to me.
  • MarchIntoTheSea - July 31, 2009 4:46 a.m.

    @ Boxmeitzer there is a warning in the beggining
  • Billiam101 - July 30, 2009 11:16 p.m.

    what the f*** gr Einstein is my hero and for one after he made the bomb he said "what have i done i have destroyed the human race" (he was sorry)
  • dweller - July 30, 2009 10:58 p.m.

    I had forgotten the end to Earthworm Jim. Thanks!
  • FETALJUICE - July 30, 2009 8:26 p.m.

    Earthworm Jim's ending made me laugh
  • sixboxes - July 30, 2009 7:48 p.m.

    "500 pounds of unprocessed beef". my new favourite way to say cow.
  • Cyberninja - July 30, 2009 7:40 p.m.

    ok thanks for telling me what to if i am ever am in a game
  • crumbdunky - July 30, 2009 7:09 p.m.

    The Far Cry 2 one was so obviously going to go tits up that I actually chose to let them die anyway-which is rare for me(saving the kids that is). Dino Crisis is the one that I have stuck most in my mind. After that any game where you look for key cards AT ALL is auto failed in my book. Having said that if Capcom want to get round me(after RUINING RE5 so badly)a new Dino Crisis would be a great place to start.
  • JosefRaikov - July 30, 2009 4:56 p.m.

    @ nadrewod999: Actually the SAS (Special Air Service) existed before the marines so it would actually be that the Marines are the American "form" of the SAS. "He Who Dares, Wins."
  • silvereye - July 30, 2009 4:31 p.m.

    What about half life? You try and save the facility but in the end it gets nuked. Gordon never saves anyone, all the charachters who DID survive had to do it there own way, with very little help from Gprdon atall!!!!
  • Terro - July 30, 2009 3:27 p.m.

    I tried to save the African Villagers, but then I got all confused and wondered off, forgetting all about them. Captcha: Summon Indian XD
  • Wizrai - July 30, 2009 3:23 p.m.

    Eww at FOXDIE bandana.
  • Corsair89 - July 30, 2009 2:43 p.m.

    I hate rescue missions because you usually have to escort them out of whatever they needed rescue from.
  • norid - July 30, 2009 2:36 p.m.

    i figuerded Snake would be on here
  • DarkMatter032 - July 30, 2009 2:27 p.m.

    EarthWorm Jim!!! FTW!!! Reminds me of the stage "For Pete's Sake", where you try to save the poor mutt's ass...