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7 games that gave you the best weapon right away

Weapon progression is tricky. On one hand, developers want to keep the player interested by creating a series of cool guns and abilities to gain throughout the game. On the other, we’re smart enough to realize they’ve hidden a badass doomsday weapon somewhere in there and we want it right now.

While most games take this approach, some shouted "screw it!" and shoved the best weapon into your hand right at the start. Then told you to kill everything in sight. This is our tribute to seven of those glorious games and their excessively effective implements of death.


Dead Rising 2: Spiked Bat

Above: Bret Maverick could play Magic: The Gathering for a million years and still never get a card this good

It takes some balls to give the players the best weapon right at the start when the whole point of the game is making weapons, but Chuck Greene has more balls than the Dallas Cowboys and more weapons than all their fans put together. While mortal men are rendered weak by extended exposure to shopping malls, he uses them to increase his manliness: he's like a Katamari of Testosterone picking up everything he touches and using it to kill things.

Naturally, some of these weapon combinations are insanely lethal; the Tesla Ball makes Cole McGrath look like a pussy, and the Blitzkrieg is the most genius combination of parts since the original Stephen Hawking. But when you absolutely need to kill everything in the room? Accept no AKs. Or other guns, because they all suck.


Above: He'd do more damage by holding the bullets and punching them in

The Spiked Bat turns Chuck into an anti-MacGuyver, solving problems with violence by building the same thing over and over. The Spiked Bat is the best weapon for every fight except the last two, and only because they have specifically crappy gimmicks to prevent it.

Blue Castle gave us the Spiked Bat right away because the game was more genuinely entertaining than your first Christmas, containing more fun items than every other Christmas, so they didn't have to carefully ration new experiences every twenty minutes. This is a game where you can wield more chainsaws than Ashley J Williams on a lumberjacking trip, and knows you'll still hit at least one zombie with a handbag because it's fun.


Doom II: Chainsaw

At the very start of Doom II you turn around and run away from the hordes of unholy death, and for the exact opposite of the reason sane people would do that: because you're going to kill them even harder. Behind your starting point you find a replacement for the wimpy spiked brass knuckles – a friggin’ chainsaw that chews up bad guys in seconds. To this day, there has never been a game that sentence wouldn't improve.

Above: Look at that pansy demon with its babyish "gun" 

It was another example of developer confidence; id knew its game rocked, and if you missed out on the best weapon hidden right at the start, then that was your own hard luck - punch your way through the rest of Hell and learn to pick up petrol-powered evisceration engines next time, asshole.


Just Cause 2: Grappling Hook

Anyone who doesn't think the grappling hook is a weapon hasn't used it to dangle a security guard from a jet fighter and play conkers with a cliff, which is to say, hasn't really used it at all. Employing the grappling hook to merely move Rico from place to place is like employing James Bond to actually do something in secret without anybody watching.

Above: In Ultimate Rock Paper Scissors, Grapple beats Assault Helicopter 

The grappling hook reveals more evil in the human soul than The Shining. If humanity produced a drug that made you beat random strangers like they were full of candy, it’d be a terrifying, outlawed substance in seconds. But give players a grappling hook and suddenly security guards turn into squishy pinatas.


Gears of War: Lancer

The Lancer is and will remain the manliest weapon in existence until some invents a monster truck launcher, and then invents monster trucks built out of steak and hand-grenades. It's the only thing in the universe that makes charging at a giant alien with a regular bayonet look wimpy. It’s what happens when developers realize practicality has as much place in videogames as it does in lightsaber design, and then remember someone else owns that copyright so they’d better invent their own iconic weapon.


Above: They succeeded 

It's not an assault rifle with a chainsaw - it's a chainsaw that can also hurt things too scared to come closer. The first time you stomp up to a Locust and pull both bumpers: the sheer release of joy, the yelling, the noise and clenching muscles and the endorphin release - losing your Lancer virginity is as intense as losing the other, arguably more important kind.


Above: Useful even in real life!

It's such an effective weapon even the Locust use it, dropping the Hammerburst like the ridiculous non-chainsaw-inclusive piece of garbage it is. Gears of War 3 introduces the Retro Lancer, possibly to teach gamers that retro often means "worse." This waste of predecessor will have a bayonet instead of the chainsaw; never before has something had so prominent a point while utterly missing it.

Also: no, the Hammer of Dawn isn't the best weapon. It's a cutscene you have to trigger manually.

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65 comments

  • majorsuave - May 13, 2011 2:09 a.m.

    Lol : "Aletheon - 1 day 7 hours ago 1`Little Mac's Fists" I was thinking of it.
  • slimjim441 - May 12, 2011 10:30 p.m.

    M9 tranq in MGS2, 3 (Snake Eater mission), and if you count Twin Snakes. Crowbar/Gravity Gun in Half-Life series. And I would also like to include Goofy in Kingdom Hearts II.
  • Reanchi - December 4, 2011 11:49 a.m.

    umm....goofy isnt a weapon...
  • GdeMan - May 12, 2011 5:55 a.m.

    Cod 4 !!1!!!mp5 m16 ak rpd that sniper i forgot the name of? that shawtgaun!?
  • grandinquisitor - May 11, 2011 8:52 p.m.

    Playing through Dead Space with just the plasma cutter is a little difficult just because the game gives you random typed ammo pickups so you have to remember to sell all the other kinds and buy plasma cutter ammo, and in some of the later levels a full load is just barely enough to finish the level.
  • Chewrocka - May 11, 2011 8:28 p.m.

    I like it! But the cmp150 is kind of mid-range in the insane arsenal of perfect dark.
  • DeekBoy - May 11, 2011 7:39 p.m.

    The good old Plasma Cutter!! I loved that gun so much :D
  • Aletheon - May 11, 2011 6:09 p.m.

    Little Mac's Fists
  • philipshaw - May 11, 2011 3:41 p.m.

    Great feature and I totally used the baseball bat with nails for most of DR2, also got the one gun trophy on my first playthrough of DS
  • TheGhostBox - May 11, 2011 3:37 p.m.

    Some weapons that could be included should be (as stated by another T-Dar) The Hidden Blades of Assassin's Creed, but also the Sword you start with in Fable III (maybe not the strongest, but the fact that it's evolving is great) and maybe most weapons from the Call of Duty: BlOps Multiplayer like the Enfield and Famas...
  • Clovin64 - May 11, 2011 3:09 p.m.

    When I saw the title for this article the first thing I though was "Bioshock 2's Power Drill". Sadly not included. What gives?
  • bulletswine - May 11, 2011 2:56 p.m.

    Ugh, trying to get the Acheivement for beating Dead Space 1 using only the Plasma Cutter made me HATE that gun.
  • zigs - May 11, 2011 12:22 p.m.

    Perfect Dark's best weapons were the Farsight and the Slayer. Hell, there are plenty of weapons in the game better than the CMP! :P
  • Yaro - May 11, 2011 11:07 a.m.

    Tony Jaa reference was great. I was almost worried there wouldn't be Dead Space's Plasma cutter but all is well that ends well. Awesome article!
  • SausageLozenge - May 11, 2011 11 a.m.

    My favorite is Halo 3's Battle Rifle. You pretty much could have a list just based on weapons from Bungie's Halo games, which is a testament to how great their balancing is.
  • CitizenWolfie - May 11, 2011 8:29 a.m.

    I think you'll find Guybrush Threepwood's dumb luck and charming ingenuity are the greatest weapons you could start with. But hell, failing that the Plasma Cutter is just a beast. I never really bothered with any other weapons, not just for the achievement, just because it was so good.
  • quincytheodore - May 11, 2011 8:02 a.m.

    Grapple hook alone justifies Just Cause 2 existence.. and yeah Plasma Cutter, two Dead Spaces with only Plasma cutter (maybe also line gun, but that's just like oversize plasma with bombs)
  • spencertucksen - May 11, 2011 5:39 a.m.

    No! Not Antista in the Gears of War video....how he shall be missed. :(
  • ZigzMagoo - May 11, 2011 5:05 a.m.

    Heres an updated list. Red Faction Guerrila-Hammer Halo Reach-Grenades Oblivion-Heal Minor Wounds (Not really a weapon, but basically the reason why I survived most of the levels) Call of Duty 4-MP5 Hitman Blood Money-Silverballers
  • JizzyB - May 11, 2011 4:54 a.m.

    Just to expand on that point. My Halo2 game was based entirely around effective distance. I was great at sniping. I was also good up close if I had a weapon combo of Covenant and Human. I preferred the human pistol with the plasma rifle. Assuming I held my reticule at head height, I would stay in an area that was confined by a lot of corners. Then I would just run a circuit, headshotting whoever I came across. I feel it was a big misconception that the human pistol in Halo2 was nerfed or inadequate. Thank you for your time.

Showing 1-20 of 65 comments

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