6 ways Army boot camp is getting tougher for gamers

A recent article over at our sister site, (Note: not actually our sister site), detailed the way the military is upgrading their boot camp tactics to deal with the physical decline of the modern gamer. Turns out we're wheezing blobs who happen to be good with technology, but terrible at aerobic activity. Your Dig Dug high score might impress your little brother, but it’s not going to help you chase a Taliban member through the Afghan mountains.

While we already detailed what advantages FPSers might have in the military, we figured it’d be a good idea to check out what exactly the Army has changed to make boot camp harder for gamers.


Turned off auto-aim

 Above: We went ahead and replaced your hax with Rexy here. 


Replaced Mountain Dew with water in Camelbacks

Above: The first step in the “Dew Eaters Rehabilitation Program” (D.E.R.P) is admitting you have a problem.


Replaced high tech Counter Strike “run faster” knives with standard issue ones

Above: "Woah there private! Put that knife away and let your squad catch up!”


Removed mini-map

Above: “What do you mean I have to go into that building not knowing where anyone is?!”


Turned on friendly fire

Above: “Sarge, I got this guy!” “No Private! He’s right beside me!” BANG *Court-martialed*


Soldiers no longer allowed to call in 7 attack choppers, an AC-130 and a tactical nuke during every skirmish.

Above: Someone spotted a mean looking stray dog walking too close to the base.

Mar 24, 2010


  • ZenPhoenix - March 28, 2010 2:27 a.m.

    "BOOM, headshot!" would have more gravitas.
  • philipshaw - March 26, 2010 3:43 p.m.

    Funny article, I enjoyed the mini-map one
  • goochbiscuit - March 25, 2010 4:06 p.m.

    Very funny, wish there were more here.
  • stanleypoole - March 25, 2010 11:17 a.m.

    You forgot to put in no perks.
  • WhiskeyBit - March 25, 2010 4:36 a.m.

    I have seen sooo many hardcore FPSers currently wanting--excuse me, dreaming-- to join the military because they want to (quote) "be just like soap!!". Oh, how much fun it would be to see the look on thier faces once they finally discover that they can't "respawn"... Priceless. sorry young'ns, real life doesn't work like that.
  • 2ndhandpanic - March 25, 2010 2:20 a.m.

    The mini-map shot was perfect! I laughed at every one. Bravo! IGN who?
  • michaelmcc827 - March 25, 2010 2:03 a.m.

    I lol'ed
  • penguinsrule3 - March 25, 2010 12:26 a.m.

    More like Dr.P.E.R.P for me, you know, for Dr. Pepper. Which by the way, is the superior drink.
  • ventanger - March 25, 2010 12:09 a.m.

    Hey bootcamp can undo years of flabby gamer paunch

Showing 1-9 of 9 comments

Join the Discussion
Add a comment (HTML tags are not allowed.)
Characters remaining: 5000