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6 game heroes who are actually massive dicks

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First impressions can be deceptive. Most people know that Braid and Shadow of the Colossus’ stars are secretly batting for team evil. But often average Jack Freedom with his square jaw, haircut you can set your watch by and heroic one liners is also hiding a dark past of indiscretion.

Political sabotage, wanton destruction of property, bowling up cruise liners full of holiday goers; that's what the heroes below all cast aside as acceptable collateral damage. So the next time you go to tell someone what a stand up bloke Nathan Drake is, stop and spare a thought for his victims.


Nathan Drake


Deviously being a douche in: Uncharted 1 & 2

It’s a little known fact, but most video game pirates have pirate wives and pirate kids to look after. But because they 'might' like to spend their downtime raping and pillaging everything that crosses their peepers, the little family at home gets forgotten. That’s why no one gives an antique, petrified shit when Drake murders an island full of the poor bastards in the original Uncharted.

It’s not even like he was killing them in self defence. He just wanted to get to a shiny golden idol before them, so he could hock it to fund his extravagant, globe-trotting adventures. What a douche. Those pirates clearly needed to find and sell El Dorado (through totally legal channels) in order to put food on the table for their families. We’re not surprised by Drake’s dickish ways, though. C’mon, what do you expect from a guy who murders a Turkish museum’s worth of harmless security guards just to steal a shitting oil lamp?


Captain Price


Deviously being a douche in: Modern Warfare 2

Astronauts are pretty heroic, right? They bravely go where no man without pointy, logical ears has gone before, pose for epic photos on the moon and protect us from giant space tarantulas. Call us crazy, but we think that deserves respect. Not getting irradiated by a nuke which has been fired from a rogue solider who wants to win a war single-handedly.

That’s right, Captain Price is actually Captain ‘a-four-letter-word-beginning-with-c-we’d-get-sacked-for-typing’. Firing a nuclear warhead into space, Price hopes the resulting electro magnetic pulse will wipe out all technology on the ground below. Thus giving the Americans a slight, repeat slight, advantage over the Russians. Who cares that he destroys a multi billion dollar International Space Station along with whoever was unlucky enough to be floating on it. There’s bloody microwaves and electric ovens to be fried.


The Agent


Deviously being a douche in: Crackdown

Does acting like a dick, even though you don’t know you’re acting like a dick, still qualify as being a dick? Because if it does, then the nameless agent from Crackdown is a schlong of the mightiest proportions. Doing the bidding of a secretly evil organisation, Johnny Likes to Jump unwittingly cleans Pacific City’s streets of gangs, just so the citizens can live in greater fear of an even more malevolent force.

Screw destabilising an entire city and possibly setting up said evil organisation on their first step to really evil world domination, though. There’s green orbs to be had.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!

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53 comments

  • ThePeanutGangsta - July 26, 2010 3:38 a.m.

    This is a good article despite the fact that some of the article pictures are quite stupid. However, I did laugh at the Lara Croft bit: "And now we know who that person’s going to be. Bitch."
  • axelgarcia1 - July 21, 2010 5:08 p.m.

    nice one
  • NanoElite666 - July 21, 2010 4:56 a.m.

    Oh no, Lara's gonna kill Skittles!! And no, I will not think of the property damage. Not when the Red Faction gives me such wonderful toys as the thermobaric rocket with which to tear things down.
  • Nodoudt - July 20, 2010 5:15 p.m.

    Also @ D0CCON: Thank you for making my day with epic lulz. reCaptcha: earth scunions
  • Nodoudt - July 20, 2010 5:12 p.m.

    Oh lawd, you people and your bizarre stock photos. reCaptcha: the sacking
  • crumbdunky - July 20, 2010 2:04 p.m.

    The biggest dicks in gaming are, without a shadow of a doubt the whole human population of the Gears games. How are we meant to feel we're trhe good guys in that set up! Closely followed by the ambivalent situation in the Killzone universe where it seems the Helghast are actually the ones who got persecuted to start with! So, for massive dicks look no further than huge console exclusives. Compared to them Nate's still pretty cool while Sam is just a dick for being IN DA AT ALL!
  • Bravo315 - July 20, 2010 11:48 a.m.

    @Games_Radar_DaveMeikleham Look down and you'll see the guard swimming away to some rocks :D
  • philipshaw - July 20, 2010 10:48 a.m.

    How Nathan Drake be a dick? He is voiced by Nolan North who is just so likeable
  • AuthorityFigure - July 20, 2010 8:36 a.m.

    I see a common aspect in these games: they fall within the silly 'hardcore' genre... They all look like they're trying much too hard.
  • phoenix_wings - July 20, 2010 5:06 a.m.

    Alan Wake is a pretty big dick IMO. SPOLERS....He's got massive writer's block, sleepless nights, his wife takes him to this nice, remote place and surprises him with a typewriter, all to help him with said writer's block and he flips out on her. The power goes out, she's got this phobia of the dark, and he just storms off, leaving her in the dark. And when she screams, it's kinda like he doesn't even turn around right away to see what's wrong. Not to mention he decks Dr. Hartman because Alice had spoken about said writer and said writer's block... God, what a dick lol.
  • nerfdy - July 20, 2010 2:44 a.m.

    you do know that the pics for cpt. price are from modern warfare not MW2
  • Cwf2008 - July 20, 2010 2:31 a.m.

    Uh...thats a destroyer not a cruise ship
  • TheWebSwinger - July 20, 2010 1:22 a.m.

    Lara Croft is still hot, wanton species endangerment or not. Dass da troof.
  • whisp3rbl4d3 - July 20, 2010 1:06 a.m.

    @ongong - If you listen a little closer at the end of the level where the nuke is launched, and Ghost is screaming over the radio at Price that there was a missile launch, you can clearly hear Price say "Good" before it cuts to the space scene
  • D0CCON - July 19, 2010 8:06 p.m.

    Is the four letter c word Captain Cook? (yes, i know what it is)
  • ongong - July 19, 2010 7:59 p.m.

    Price fired the nuke? I thought he was just to late to stop it.
  • Clovin64 - July 19, 2010 7:56 p.m.

    I expected Kratos to be here, but now that I think about it Kratos would have been to obvious. Better save some article space for a few lesser-known dicks. I always knew Lara Croft was an endangered animal slaughtering bitch. Well done Mr Meikleham for sparing a thought for the poor bereaved families of the average goon in games.
  • Pantas - July 19, 2010 7:54 p.m.

    Why is Laharl not on this list?
  • spikester145 - July 19, 2010 7:53 p.m.

    Your wrong Play uncharted 2 again and you can see he doesn't kill them
  • ViolentLee - July 19, 2010 7:29 p.m.

    In defense of Alec Mason (aka Red Faction guy), the dudes who built those buildings were probably unionized. No harm done...

Showing 1-20 of 53 comments

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