6 game heroes who are actually massive dicks

First impressions can be deceptive. Most people know that Braid and Shadow of the Colossus’ stars are secretly batting for team evil. But often average Jack Freedom with his square jaw, haircut you can set your watch by and heroic one liners is also hiding a dark past of indiscretion.

Political sabotage, wanton destruction of property, bowling up cruise liners full of holiday goers; that's what the heroes below all cast aside as acceptable collateral damage. So the next time you go to tell someone what a stand up bloke Nathan Drake is, stop and spare a thought for his victims.

Nathan Drake

Deviously being a douche in: Uncharted 1 & 2

It’s a little known fact, but most video game pirates have pirate wives and pirate kids to look after. But because they 'might' like to spend their downtime raping and pillaging everything that crosses their peepers, the little family at home gets forgotten. That’s why no one gives an antique, petrified shit when Drake murders an island full of the poor bastards in the original Uncharted.

It’s not even like he was killing them in self defence. He just wanted to get to a shiny golden idol before them, so he could hock it to fund his extravagant, globe-trotting adventures. What a douche. Those pirates clearly needed to find and sell El Dorado (through totally legal channels) in order to put food on the table for their families. We’re not surprised by Drake’s dickish ways, though. C’mon, what do you expect from a guy who murders a Turkish museum’s worth of harmless security guards just to steal a shitting oil lamp?

Captain Price

Deviously being a douche in: Modern Warfare 2

Astronauts are pretty heroic, right? They bravely go where no man without pointy, logical ears has gone before, pose for epic photos on the moon and protect us from giant space tarantulas. Call us crazy, but we think that deserves respect. Not getting irradiated by a nuke which has been fired from a rogue solider who wants to win a war single-handedly.

That’s right, Captain Price is actually Captain ‘a-four-letter-word-beginning-with-c-we’d-get-sacked-for-typing’. Firing a nuclear warhead into space, Price hopes the resulting electro magnetic pulse will wipe out all technology on the ground below. Thus giving the Americans a slight, repeat slight, advantage over the Russians. Who cares that he destroys a multi billion dollar International Space Station along with whoever was unlucky enough to be floating on it. There’s bloody microwaves and electric ovens to be fried.

The Agent

Deviously being a douche in: Crackdown

Does acting like a dick, even though you don’t know you’re acting like a dick, still qualify as being a dick? Because if it does, then the nameless agent from Crackdown is a schlong of the mightiest proportions. Doing the bidding of a secretly evil organisation, Johnny Likes to Jump unwittingly cleans Pacific City’s streets of gangs, just so the citizens can live in greater fear of an even more malevolent force.

Screw destabilising an entire city and possibly setting up said evil organisation on their first step to really evil world domination, though. There’s green orbs to be had.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!