Skip to main content
GamesRadar+ GamesRadar+ GamesRadar+ The Games, Movies, TV & Comics You Love
Sign in
  • View Profile
  • Sign out
flag of UK
UK
flag of US
US
flag of Canada
Canada
flag of Australia
Australia
  • Games
  • TV
  • Movies
  • Hardware
  • Video
  • News
  • Reviews
  • Guides
  • Deals
  • More
    • PS5
    • Xbox Series X
    • Nintendo Switch
    • Nintendo Switch 2
    • PC
    • Platforms
    • Tabletop Gaming
    • Comics
    • Toys & Collectibles
    • SFX
    • Newsarama
    • Retro Gamer
    • Newsletters
    • About us
    • Features
Total Film
Gaming Magazines
Gaming Magazines
Why subscribe?
  • Subscribe from just £3
  • Takes you closer to the games, movies and TV you love
  • Try a single issue or save on a subscription
  • Issues delivered straight to your door or device
From$12
Subscribe now
Trending
  • Grounded 2
  • The Fantastic Four: First Steps
  • Donkey Kong Bananza
  • Switch 2 Starter Pack
Recommended reading
Yuna, Rikku, and Pain pose in Final Fantasy 10-2
Final Fantasy I've spent well over 1000 hours playing Final Fantasy, so here are my most unforgettable 15 characters across the series
Resident Evil Village
Games The 25 best video game villains you just love to hate
Donkey Kong in the character selection screen in Mario Kart World
Super Mario How to unlock characters in Mario Kart World
Princess Peach in Mario Kart World
Super Mario Mario Kart World roster: The complete Mario Kart World character list
Superman, one of the Fortnite Characters in Chapter 6 Season 3
Fortnite Fortnite Characters locations in Season 3 of Chapter 6
Castlevania: Nocturne season 2
Anime Shows Netflix's Castlevania director asks fans what his next video game anime should be, and Bloodborne, Metroid, and a fresh take on Berserk are leading the pack
Elden Ring Nightreign characters Recluse character selection screen
Action RPGs Elden Ring Nightreign characters tier list and the best ones to pick
  1. Games
  2. Action
  3. Assassin's Creed
  4. Assassin's Creed IV: Black Flag

12 video game characters who would make great teachers

Features
By John Newby published 14 April 2014

When you purchase through links on our site, we may earn an affiliate commission. Here’s how it works.

Get to class!

Get to class!

School is a trying time for teenagers; they have to deal with a changing body, anxiety over their changing body, anxiety over others changing bodies, and anxiety over what others think of their anxiety over their anxiety of others changing bodies. Even worse, they have to find sweet cars with which to pick up dates while maintaining decent scores on assignments. This is enough to make any student crazy, but teachers are supposed to expertly guide teenagers through this hellish time with relatively few student meltdowns.

Regular teachers are great, but they lack some key qualities like mutant genomes, shape shifting ability, and superhuman speed. Most teachers dont even know how to double jump. Lame. Spring holidays just ended, so Ive picked out 12 video game characters that could make school more interesting (and sexy).

Page 1 of 14
Page 1 of 14
Edward Kenway (Assassins Creed 4) would teach... Geography

Edward Kenway (Assassins Creed 4) would teach... Geography

Geography is extremely boring. Most of the students in my school used Geography class to write notes to girls or take naps. It's all long-shore drift and central place theory. Zzzzz... What Geography really needs is a passionate teacher who can tell personal stories about the seven seas, while using props to illustrate his (or her) points. Also, it helps if they have dual wristblades

Edward Kenway fits the bill because he spent his younger years sailing around and participating in legitimate business pursuits that didnt relate to pirating or murder in any way, shape, or form. Imagine how his storytelling and passion would bring the subject to life. Plus, the dashing Kenway is guaranteed to make the girls swoon when he describes his shirtless shark-hunting exploits.

Page 2 of 14
Page 2 of 14
Nathan Drake (Uncharted) and Lara Croft (Tomb Raider) would teach History

Nathan Drake (Uncharted) and Lara Croft (Tomb Raider) would teach History

If Indiana Jones has taught us one thing its that fedoras are cool. If it has taught us two things, its that the best way to learn about History is from a dashing archeologist who is directly involved with it on a daily basis. So, the obvious choice for a teacher would be Nathan Drake, right? Sure, hes got a sizeable artefact collection, and a winning smile, but is he as qualified as Lara Croft? Hmmm...

Her experience is a little broader, and--quite frankly--she has the lovely, clipped English-rose voice that students (yeah, and me) can listen to for hours. In an ideal world, Drake and Croft would make the perfect team of History teachers because they come from different backgrounds--Nate was an orphan who taught himself about the world, and Lara spent her childhood on expeditions with her parents before she started murdering deer. Crucially, theyre both so charming that no student would want to skip the lessons.

Page 3 of 14
Page 3 of 14
Chell (Portal) would teach... Physics

Chell (Portal) would teach... Physics

Mostly, physics is used to figure out how hard an object will collide with another object at varying speeds. Some Physics classes have even figured out the gravitational pull of the Death Star, which probably isnt a complete waste of time, right? Can you imagine what a qualified teacher with top-secret devices could teach the average student?

Thats why Chell would be a fantastic Physics teacher; she has experience with matter and energy (specifically kinetic) and she possesses the most technologically advanced tool in the world. Chell could take a boring Physics problem like 'find the kinetic energy of a falling anvil', and make it more entertaining by putting that anvil into an infinite portal loop. Plus, who wouldnt want to open a portal to the moon to see what happens when you throw a paper plane in low gravity?

Page 4 of 14
Page 4 of 14
Johnson (Shadows of the Damned) would teach... English Literature

Johnson (Shadows of the Damned) would teach... English Literature

William Shakespeare, The Scarlet Letter, and book report are phrases that normally frighten every student within earshot because books are only interesting to .07% of teenagers (according to a survey I made up). Don't worry kids, books get better as you get older. Anyway, the only viable way to make students pay attention is to hire a shapeshifting motorcycle to teach the class. Obvious, really.

Johnsons shapeshifting ability would add a visual element to every book the class reads, and his rather sarcastic voice could make any story interesting. Look, if Johnson can make some of the most disturbing books from Hell palatable, surely can he make The Scarlet Letter bearable? He could help the students visualise the consequences of adultery by taking on the shape of ok, bad idea. Maybe he could just turn into the 'A'.

Page 5 of 14
Page 5 of 14
Dr. Zed (Borderlands) would teach... Biology

Dr. Zed (Borderlands) would teach... Biology

Slicing open frogs and other assorted animals is a little grim, and only really appeals to certain people. But what happens when a qualified doctor teaches Biology? Well, who knows? See, Dr. Zed doesnt technically qualify as an biology teacher in the classic sense, but the man does have experience with slicing up 100s of bodies.

Dr. Zed would probably end up teaching because well, surely someone would eventually find out he isnt a real doctor. Either that, or hed want to avoid the stress of being constantly surrounded by bullet-ridden bandits. Plus, if Dr. Zed ever wants to be a legitimate surgeon again, he can always move to a different country. And assume a false name. And grow a moustache.

Page 6 of 14
Page 6 of 14
Monkey (Enslaved) would teach... Physical Education

Monkey (Enslaved) would teach... Physical Education

Physical Education is hardly the most accurate term for the class involving small, white shorts, and wheezing. How to avoid injury while wearing humiliating clothes would be a better description. Does running around the school twice really teach you how to gain shoulder mobility, deadlift 300 pounds, or ride an awesome hoverboard? No, so whats the point?

You need a proper teacher to make P.E. actually about education within physical activity, which is why Monkey would be perfect. Hes fantastic with kids (obviously), and he knows about unique exercise styles. Monkey could teach students how to climb a wall with one arm, do cool flips, and get rock hard abs without trying. No one, not even Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, could do that.

Page 7 of 14
Page 7 of 14
Brucie Kibbutz (Grand Theft Auto 4) would teach... Economics

Brucie Kibbutz (Grand Theft Auto 4) would teach... Economics

Initially, I thought Brucie Kibbutz would be a great Physical Education teacher because of his bodybuilding acumen. Sadly, though, his fascination with injecting Bull Shark Testosterone might be considered a negative lesson for the students. Brucie does know how to make money (LIKE A BOSS), though, so I reckon hed be a fantastic Economics teacher instead.

See, Brucie actually lives the celebrity lifestyle that so many students crave after watching MTV Cribs and other tawdry reality shows. Brucie is one of the few men on the planet who can make money selling high-end vehicles with pointless upgrades, and his totally legal Exotic Exports business shows off his diversity. Why wouldnt Brucie be the best role model for these young minds? Oh right.

Page 8 of 14
Page 8 of 14
Augustus Cole (Gears of War) would coach... Sports

Augustus Cole (Gears of War) would coach... Sports

No school is complete without a large, intimidating person that gets paid to teach young children about proper tackling techniques and pouring energy drinks into cups. This individual also teaches the students how to mature, while avoiding criminal records and terrible grades. Most importantly, the coach needs to successfully make those skintight shorts look good while he screams at students for slacking off on the wing. Or something.

So, Augustus Cole from Gears of War is pretty much a perfect fit. He was a top Thrashball player before Emergence Day, but Coles time in the COG army has taken away his athletic prime, leaving him suitable for only two jobs: a tight-end for the Denver Broncos, or a high-school football coach. Given his irrational (possibly rational) hatred for Peyton Manning, it seems likely hed opt for the latter

Page 9 of 14
Page 9 of 14
Mordin Solus (Mass Effect) would teach... Music

Mordin Solus (Mass Effect) would teach... Music

Is there a class more wonderful than Music? Probably not. You learn to carry a note, read music, and make a bow tie fashionable. Mordin Solus would be the ultimate Choir teacher. Not necessarily because of the bow tie thing, although he would look awesome in a tux. No, he knows enough about the human body that he could find ways to get the most talent out of the worst singers.

Im also positive that Mordin would have some sort of special grip that could make the bass section sing soprano. And when he needs to, Mordin could lead by example, using his beautiful singing voice to belt out sweet numbers from Gilbert and Sullivan musicals.

Page 10 of 14
Page 10 of 14
John Tanner (Driver) would teach... Driving

John Tanner (Driver) would teach... Driving

The main problem with teenage drivers is that they tend to get in terrible accidents caused by texting, mooning, or other shenanigans. What these students need is a drivers education course that focuses on defensive driving. What they need is the best driver in San Francisco.

John Tanner would be the perfect driving teacher because he focuses on the important things like drifting, hitting sweet jumps, and not killing pedestrians. Dead pedestrians usually result in suspensions, jail time, and low grades. Tanners best skill as a teacher is likely showing that you dont need a 'cool' car to drift or race like a pro. He makes a Chevy Volt look cool.

Page 11 of 14
Page 11 of 14
Phoenix Wright (Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney) would teach... Debate

Phoenix Wright (Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney) would teach... Debate

Phoenix Wright would make the perfect Debate teacher because he has more experience with arguing (well, he does shout Objection, a lot) than all other video game characters combined. Phoenix Wright spends the majority of his time investigating and winning legal cases, so showing teenagers how to bicker constructively is a simple task.

Wright also has his experience as an undefeated poker player to combine with his years of cross examining witnesses, so none of the students would be able to trick him during class. The only drawback is that hed probably object to his own appointment in the job. Damn it, Wright, just be quiet for once.

Page 12 of 14
Page 12 of 14
Martin Walker (Spec Ops: The Line) would teach... Psychology

Martin Walker (Spec Ops: The Line) would teach... Psychology

Walker is totally qualified to teach Psychology. Yes, he may have accidentally murdered dozens of innocent bystanders with white phosphorous mortars, but that probably doesnt haunt him at all. No need to worry about the voices in his head; they wouldnt distract him for a second. In fact, I think that those extra voices would help him relate to the students. Walker is completely stable. I swear.

Whats that? Hes talking to an empty classroom about how they Dont know because they werent there, man? Um, hes probably just warming up his voice.

Page 13 of 14
Page 13 of 14
B- Could do better

B- Could do better

The most important part about being a teacher is learning to properly shape the minds of our children while creating a positive effect on the world. Actually, the most important part is avoiding alcohol poisoning from stress-related drinking, but I digress. I cant think of any characters that would be better qualified than these. But do you disagree? Are there any characters that you would want teaching maths or Spanish? Make your case in the comments.

Want more features do you, boy? Very well... your homework this week is reading our Best Co-op Games Everfeature followed by a viewing of our latest Sega Saturdays video. Clear? Good.

Page 14 of 14
Page 14 of 14
CATEGORIES
Android iPad iPhone PC Gaming Wii-u Nintendo PlayStation PS4 Xbox Xbox One Platforms Mobile Gaming
John  Newby
John Newby
Social Links Navigation
Everyone should play The Saboteur. The game is dumb, but I cannot get enough of it. I love video games that remind me of stupid action flicks. I am happiest when I can play a game and somehow relate it to Bad Boys, Operation Condor, or Gone in 60 Seconds. I really love Lego games and cooperative shooters. Borderlands is fantastic.
See more PC Gaming Features
Read more
Yuna, Rikku, and Pain pose in Final Fantasy 10-2
I've spent well over 1000 hours playing Final Fantasy, so here are my most unforgettable 15 characters across the series
Resident Evil Village
The 25 best video game villains you just love to hate
Donkey Kong in the character selection screen in Mario Kart World
How to unlock characters in Mario Kart World
Princess Peach in Mario Kart World
Mario Kart World roster: The complete Mario Kart World character list
Superman, one of the Fortnite Characters in Chapter 6 Season 3
Fortnite Characters locations in Season 3 of Chapter 6
Castlevania: Nocturne season 2
Netflix's Castlevania director asks fans what his next video game anime should be, and Bloodborne, Metroid, and a fresh take on Berserk are leading the pack
Latest in Assassin's Creed
Naoe looks over at a dense, lush, green forest in Assassin's Creed Shadows from a viewpoint
I took 140 hours to finish Assassin's Creed Shadows, but post-launch updates are making it harder than ever to feel satisfied by RPGs
Assassin's Creed art
The co-CEO of Ubisoft's new Assassin's Creed and Far Cry subsidiary is the son of Ubisoft's actual CEO, but he says he's definitely not a nepo baby
Kassandra holding a falcon on her arm during Assassin's Creed Odyssey
Ubisoft foresaw the grindy fate of Assassin's Creed Valhalla back in the Odyssey days, wanting a literal "odyssey" but not "a world that was just fatiguing to travel through"
Kassandra holding a falcon on her arm during Assassin's Creed Odyssey
Ubisoft had a very on-brand problem with Assassin's Creed Odyssey: there weren't many tall buildings in Ancient Greece even though it's a "climbing-frame game"
Assassin's Creed Black Flag remake rumors get even more fuel as Ubisoft France posts about the original game following a blatant hint from Edward Kenway's actor
Assassin's Creed 4: Black Flag artwork showing Kenway with a group of pirates
Assassin's Creed: Black Flag remake takes a step closer to reality as lead voice actor tells fans "you may have to beat it again"
Latest in Features
The Fantastic Four: First Steps
The Fantastic Four are in Avengers: Doomsday, and I think I know what that means for First Steps
Naoe looks over at a dense, lush, green forest in Assassin's Creed Shadows from a viewpoint
I took 140 hours to finish Assassin's Creed Shadows, but post-launch updates are making it harder than ever to feel satisfied by RPGs
Ghost of Yotei gameplay showing Atsu sitting on her horse between bright pink cherry blossoms, looking at a distant fortification built against a mountain
I asked Ghost of Yotei's creative directors all of my burning questions, and I don't want to get your hopes up but Sucker Punch's sequel sounds like feudal Red Dead Redemption 2
Steam Deck review
I'm too broke to buy Donkey Kong Bananza, so if you're sharing my FOMO here are the best Steam Deck games I'm playing instead
Skate reboot screenshots
I played 4 hours of the new Skate and caught up with developer Full Circle, who believes "this is the best Skate has ever felt or played"
Cyberpunk 2077 screenshot of female V who has blue hair and wears pink trousers and black jacket and sits on the back of a motorcycle before neon skyscrapers
I've put over 900 hours into CD Projekt Red's RPG, and these are the best Cyberpunk 2077 gigs I always love replaying
  1. DK and Pauline look surprised in Donkey Kong Bananza
    1
    Donkey Kong Bananza Review: "Destruction isn't just a flashy gimmick for the Minecraft generation, it's one of the best inventions Nintendo has had in years"
  2. 2
    Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 3 + 4 review: "A nostalgic, must-play hit for fans"
  3. 3
    College Football 26 review: “Thanks to rivalries and dynasty, this is the greatest show on turf”
  4. 4
    Mecha Break review: "This mech battler makes up for lacking customization with a varied roster that lets me live out my Evangelion fantasy"
  5. 5
    Death Stranding 2: On the Beach review: "This tarpunk delivery epic is more Metal Gear Solid than ever, for better and worse"
  1. David Corenswet as Superman inside the Fortress of Solitude in James Gunn's Superman.
    1
    Superman review: "A triumphant reinvention and a promising start for the DCU"
  2. 2
    Jurassic World Rebirth Review: "An unscary sequel that needed a little more time in amber"
  3. 3
    M3GAN 2.0 review: "A bold sequel with a slightly underwhelming conclusion"
  4. 4
    28 Years Later Review: "Enough terror, splatter and suspense to satisfy”
  5. 5
    Predator: Killer of Killers review: "Great characters, thrilling action, and gorgeous Arcane-esque animation"
  1. Lee Jung-jae as Gi-hun in Squid Game season 3
    1
    Squid Game season 3 review: "A staggeringly excellent final season wraps up one of the greatest Netflix shows ever"
  2. 2
    Ironheart review: "A relic of Marvel's content-at-all-costs era"
  3. 3
    Star Trek: Strange New Worlds season 3 review: "The show's most assured run of episodes to date"
  4. 4
    Doctor Who season 2, episode 8 spoiler review: 'The Reality War' is "a mix of the good, the bad, and the truly baffling"
  5. 5
    Doctor Who season 2, episode 7 spoiler review: 'Wish World' is "an exciting and ambitious" start to the season finale, with hints of WandaVision

GamesRadar+ is part of Future US Inc, an international media group and leading digital publisher. Visit our corporate site.

  • About Us
  • Contact Future's experts
  • Terms and conditions
  • Privacy policy
  • Cookies policy
  • Advertise with us
  • Review guidelines
  • Write for us
  • Accessibility Statement
  • Careers

© Future US, Inc. Full 7th Floor, 130 West 42nd Street, New York, NY 10036.

Please login or signup to comment

Please wait...