12 video game characters who would make great teachers

Geography is extremely boring. Most of the students in my school used Geography class to write notes to girls or take naps. It's all long-shore drift and central place theory. Zzzzz... What Geography really needs is a passionate teacher who can tell personal stories about the seven seas, while using props to illustrate his (or her) points. Also, it helps if they have dual wristblades…

Edward Kenway fits the bill because he spent his younger years sailing around and participating in… legitimate business pursuits that didn’t relate to pirating or murder in any way, shape, or form. Imagine how his storytelling and passion would bring the subject to life. Plus, the dashing Kenway is guaranteed to make the girls swoon when he describes his shirtless shark-hunting exploits.

If Indiana Jones has taught us one thing it’s that fedoras are cool. If it has taught us two things, it’s that the best way to learn about History is from a dashing archeologist who is directly involved with it on a daily basis. So, the obvious choice for a teacher would be Nathan Drake, right? Sure, he’s got a sizeable… artefact collection, and a winning smile, but is he as qualified as Lara Croft? Hmmm...

Her experience is a little broader, and--quite frankly--she has the lovely, clipped English-rose voice that students (yeah, and me) can listen to for hours. In an ideal world, Drake and Croft would make the perfect team of History teachers because they come from different backgrounds--Nate was an orphan who taught himself about the world, and Lara spent her childhood on expeditions with her parents before she started murdering deer. Crucially, they’re both so charming that no student would want to skip the lessons.

‘William Shakespeare’, ‘The Scarlet Letter’, and ‘book report’ are phrases that normally frighten every student within earshot because books are only interesting to .07% of teenagers (according to a survey I made up). Don't worry kids, books get better as you get older. Anyway, the only viable way to make students pay attention is to hire a shapeshifting motorcycle to teach the class. Obvious, really.

Johnson’s shapeshifting ability would add a visual element to every book the class reads, and his rather sarcastic voice could make any story interesting. Look, if Johnson can make some of the most disturbing books from Hell palatable, surely can he make The Scarlet Letter bearable? He could help the students visualise the consequences of adultery by taking on the shape of… ok, bad idea. Maybe he could just turn into the 'A'.

Slicing open frogs and other assorted animals is a little grim, and only really appeals to certain people. But what happens when a qualified doctor teaches Biology? Well, who knows? See, Dr. Zed doesn’t technically qualify as an biology teacher in the classic sense, but the man does have experience with slicing up 100s of bodies.

Dr. Zed would probably end up teaching because… well, surely someone would eventually find out he isn’t a real doctor. Either that, or he’d want to avoid the stress of being constantly surrounded by bullet-ridden bandits. Plus, if Dr. Zed ever wants to be a ‘legitimate’ surgeon again, he can always move to a different country. And assume a false name. And grow a moustache.

Physical Education is hardly the most accurate term for the class involving small, white shorts, and wheezing. ‘How to avoid injury while wearing humiliating clothes’ would be a better description. Does running around the school twice really teach you how to gain shoulder mobility, deadlift 300 pounds, or ride an awesome hoverboard? No, so what’s the point?

You need a proper teacher to make P.E. actually about education within physical activity, which is why Monkey would be perfect. He’s fantastic with kids (obviously), and he knows about unique exercise styles. Monkey could teach students how to climb a wall with one arm, do cool flips, and get rock hard abs without trying. No one, not even Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson, could do that.

No school is complete without a large, intimidating person that gets paid to teach young children about proper tackling techniques and pouring energy drinks into cups. This individual also teaches the students how to mature, while avoiding criminal records and terrible grades. Most importantly, the coach needs to successfully make those skintight shorts look good while he screams at students for ‘slacking off on the wing’. Or something.

So, Augustus Cole from Gears of War is pretty much a perfect fit. He was a top Thrashball player before Emergence Day, but Cole’s time in the COG army has taken away his athletic prime, leaving him suitable for only two jobs: a tight-end for the Denver Broncos, or a high-school football coach. Given his irrational (possibly rational) hatred for Peyton Manning, it seems likely he’d opt for the latter…

Is there a class more wonderful than Music? Probably not. You learn to carry a note, read music, and make a bow tie fashionable. Mordin Solus would be the ultimate Choir teacher. Not necessarily because of the bow tie thing, although he would look awesome in a tux. No, he knows enough about the human body that he could find ways to get the most talent out of the worst singers.

I’m also positive that Mordin would have some sort of special grip that could make the bass section sing soprano. And when he needs to, Mordin could lead by example, using his beautiful singing voice to belt out sweet numbers from Gilbert and Sullivan musicals.

The main problem with teenage drivers is that they tend to get in terrible accidents caused by texting, mooning, or other shenanigans. What these students need is a driver’s education course that focuses on defensive driving. What they need is the best driver in San Francisco.

John Tanner would be the perfect driving teacher because he focuses on the important things like drifting, hitting sweet jumps, and not killing pedestrians. Dead pedestrians usually result in suspensions, jail time, and low grades. Tanner’s best skill as a teacher is likely showing that you don’t need a 'cool' car to drift or race like a pro. He makes a Chevy Volt look cool.

Walker is totally qualified to teach Psychology. Yes, he may have accidentally murdered dozens of innocent bystanders with white phosphorous mortars, but that probably doesn’t haunt him at all. No need to worry about the voices in his head; they wouldn’t distract him for a second. In fact, I think that those extra voices would help him relate to the students. Walker is completely stable. I swear.

What’s that? He’s talking to an empty classroom about how they “Don’t know because they weren’t there, man?” Um, he’s probably just warming up his voice.

The most important part about being a teacher is learning to properly shape the minds of our children while creating a positive effect on the world. Actually, the most important part is avoiding alcohol poisoning from stress-related drinking, but I digress. I can’t think of any characters that would be better qualified than these. But do you disagree? Are there any characters that you would want teaching maths or Spanish? Make your case in the comments.

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