But alas, we're contractually bound to make gags (seriously, it's right underneath theOkami clause, and above the bit about Meiks getting things wrong on theUK podcast), so make gags we shall. And after all, while the Cubs' awards don't strictly reward hardcore gaming, that doesn't mean they can't be completed in a hardcore way. So here's how you would approach them, if you were a nine-year-old boy, but also yourself at the same time.
For the belt loop:
Explain why it is important to have a rating system for video games. Check your video games to be sure they are right for your age.
If any of your games do turn out to be too mature, make sure to play right through all the gory bits so that you can provide a full and detailed explanation of why a properly enforced ratings system is so important. Remember, it's not your fault. It's your parents' fault for not paying attention. By dismembering crack barons, you're educating them.
With an adult, create a schedule for you to do things that includes your chores, homework, and video gaming. Do your best to follow this schedule.
Carefully select an adult who also plays games. Ideally an MMO fanatic. They’ll understand that ‘Do your best’ means ‘Fit in whatever responsibilities you have once you’ve finished levelling up or beating this boss’. This task, after all, is about objectively prioritising your time.
Learn to play a new video game that is approved by your parent, guardian, or teacher.
Fairly straightforward, but for maximum enjoyment of said game, look to the same adult used above for approval. They’ll be too busy grinding to notice all the headshots.
For the pin:
All of the above, and then:
With your parents, create a plan to buy a video game that is right for your age group.
But if your parents pick a clunker, make sure it remains only a plan.
Compare two game systems (for example, Microsoft Xbox, Sony PlayStation, Nintendo Wii, and so on). Explain some of the differences between the two. List good reasons to purchase or use a game system.
Internet forum. Flamewar. Done. Just learn the phrases ‘Two Gamecubes and gaffer tape’, ‘They buy exclusives’ and ‘E3 2006’ and you’re pretty much there.
Play a video game with family members in a family tournament.
But for the sake of still having a family by the end of it, steer clear of Mario Kart Wii.
Teach an adult or a friend how to play a video game.
In-game tutorials are good for something. Just load it up and leave them to it. Assassin's Creed 2 is good if you want to get them out of your hair for a bit.
List at least five tips that would help someone who was learning how to play your favorite video game.
1. Go toCheatPlanet
2. Go to Youtube
4. Don’t be a noob
5. You’re doing it wrong.
Play an appropriate video game with a friend for one hour.
Note that it doesn’t say ‘a maximum of one hour’. Who knows, maybe you’ll get an extra pin for extra effort. Go above and beyond on this one.
Play a video game that will help you practice your math, spelling, or another skill that helps you in your schoolwork.
Five minutes on Brain Training is the obvious answer, but if your maths or spelling level is already above that of primary school year one, try God of War III as an anatomy refresher.
Choose a game you might like to purchase. Compare the price for this game at three different stores. Decide which store has the best deal. In your decision, be sure to consider things like the store return policy and manufacturer's warranty.
Pick any two stores you like, then ignore them completely because buying online is usually way cheaper. Note: Torrent sites do not count as game stores andthus do not fall within the guidelines of this task.
With an adult's supervision, install a gaming system.
Tell the adult that for a maximum technicality score on this one, you'll need to build a stupid-hardcore PC rig. And that they have to pay for the parts, because you're only nine.