What would Mad Max do? Life advice from the wasteland
We might not have to deal with local banditry pinching our stuff, nor the sparsity of nom-able nutrients in our cushy contemporary existence. But, hey, everyone's got problems, right? Thankfully resident raggedy man Mad Max, as imagined by Just Cause developers Avalanche, has plenty of solutions.
Taking a break from his day job of surviving the trials and tribulations proffered by the wasteland, we've persuaded the ex-police driver to pop in and answer some of your most pertinent modern day dilemmas. Over to you, Max...
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"Fix up your estate car with wheel spikes and take out the milkman onhis morning rounds."
Dear Max, Its gotten worse and worse over the years, but now our family debt has reached a point where its a daily problem. We cant even afford the weekly food shop! What can we do? Yours hungrily, Bob
Max says: Bob, Start thinking like a hunter-gatherer and get your grub organically from your surroundings. Maggots make for a protein-rich substitute for red meat, while youll find tins of dog food keep your wife and kids above ground. Alternatively, fix up your estate car with wheel spikes and take out the milkman onhis morning rounds. Boom: nutrition. Andyou can sell his float for scrap. Two birds, one engine. Max
"All you need is a hunchback pal and a triggering mechanism."
Dear Max, I think my husband is cheating on me. Hes always coming home late from work and he reeks of perfume. What should I do? Yours potentially jilted, Maureen
Max says: Maureen, Right, so get your ride sorted with a scoped sniper rifle all you need is a hunchback pal and a triggering mechanism and then get him to drive past your hubbys office while you scout the place. If it turns out he is doing the dirty on you, just harpoon a nearby red barrel and then pull it down on top of him. They have red barrels in office buildings, right? Max
"You know what you need? A sturdy, upgraded harpoon gun."
Dear Max, No matter what I do my boyfriend just doesnt seem to want to leave the house. All he does all day is play videogames. Of course Ill play with him now and again, but sometimes its healthy to get outside and get some air. Yours exasperatedly, Kevin
Max says: Kevin, Couldnt agree more, mate. You know what you need? A sturdy, upgraded harpoon gun. Just stick one end in the back of the sofa, and then ensure your engine is powerful enough to do the job (check with your local blackfinger, if youre not sure about this part). Then yank the bleeder right out of the bay windows of the living room. Job done. Max
"Find a convoy of warboys and they'll surely want to play."
Dear Max, After almost a decade together my wife has left me. It feels like the world is ending. I don't have any nearby family and simply don't know what to do with myself. Yours lonesomely, Greg
Max says: Greg, Trust me chum, the world ain't over till it's over. Just look at life like a freshly opened dustbowl waiting for you to careen through. Besides, if you want new friends all you have to do is get out there and make them. Find a convoy of warboys and they'll surely want to play. Especially if you peel off their vehicles' armour plating and yank them out. Max
"It's a dog eat dog world. Or a man eat dog food world."
Dear Max, I've been unemployed for nigh on seven months and now I'm really finding it tough to make ends meet. What can I do in this barren economic climate? Yours poorly, Maude
Max says: Maude, Barren climate? You 21st century types don't even know you've been born, eh? For starters, you'll get all the scrap necessary to buy your essentials from nearby outposts just by bashing the tar out of stuff. A spire? Pull it down. A mine field? Get digging. Sure there's a moral dilemma buried in there somewhere, given that it's other people's stuff you're destroying, but, hey, it's a dog eat dog world. Or a man eat dog food world.
"There's an exploded landlocked submersible gagging for some new tenants."
Dear Max, I really think it's about time I settled down and brought a new life into the world. But my wife is concerned about our inability to settle down in one place. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Yours broodily, Todd
Max says: Todd, There's an exploded landlocked submersible over in the Great White which is gagging for some new tenants if you need to settle down. Don't worry, Chumbucket and I cleared it out via the cunning use of slow motion driving and shotgun blasting. Might need a bit of a clean, mind. We did leave Dinki Di in the back room for, like, two weeks to fend for himself. And he's a stinky mutt at the best of times.