What if in-game locales had Yelp! reviews?
Help from Yelp!
Customer review site Yelp.com has been instrumental for tourist and townie alike to find local restaurants, lodging, and other businesses. And you know what? Gaming should be no different. From the luxurious accommodations of Super Mario Sunshines Hotel Delfino to the determined Second Amendment services of GTAs Ammu-Nation, video games have their fair share of establishments that deserve a review or two from none other than the customers theyve served.
Without any further ado, weve pulled up a few reviews from across the many realities of gaming to see what locations are worth a visit and which should be skipped over like the Bates Motel. Lets check out what businesses ended up rewarded (or reviled) after their user review
Lakeview Hotel (Silent Hill 2) by James S. - 1/5 stars
Three years ago, I went to the The Lakeview while on vacation and recently returned at the behest of my former wife, who always called it our special place. I think she might have been playing a sick joke on me because things have really deteriorated at the establishment.
The walls are gross and blackened, theres this awful smoky smell everywhere, nearly every door in the place has a busted latch that wont open, some little girl was just running around unsupervised, the few patrons here are gross and belligerent, and the only staff I could find was a surly creep in crazy headgear. I dont know if it was poor management, some ceaseless gaping maw of guilt and despair, or the rough economy, but our special place has seriously gone to hell.
Also, no wi-fi.
VHS Palace (Hotline Miami) by Dennis W. - 4/5 stars
Whenever Im looking for wholesome family flicks like RoboCop, Big Trouble in Little China, or The Terminator, VHS Palace is the place I go to get hooked up with the latest and greatest video cassettes of 1989. They even got a setup where you can play Nintendo carts and the clerk is real friendly, too. Once, he gave a free rental to this creepy-lookin kid in a letterman jacket who was wiggin out over a rough night out or something.
Fair warning, though: The store is located in a fairly bad part of town. Theres been about one or two dozen murders in the area related to the mob or whatever, but other than that Im sure VHS Palace is going to be one of those chains thatll be around forever!
Afterlife (Mass Effect 2) by Commander S. - 5/5 stars
Warding off impending genocide from an ancient race of sentient machines and overseeing interspecies office romances can be tough, so when Im looking to unwind, no one does it better than Afterlife. When Im in need of some "me time," I can count on Afterlife to be there waiting with a tumbler of Serrice Ice Brandy ready while I take in some good ol fashioned Asari entertainment.
Yeah, its a rough-and-tumble kind of place, but if you arent comfortable getting in touch with your renegade side in the first place, I suggest you jump out of Omega faster than you can say Archangel. Im sure you and the rest of the namby-pamby types can have fun at someplace like Purgatory. Ill just come out and say it: Im Commander Shepard, and Afterlife is my favorite place off the Citadel.
Beedles Shop Ship (The Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker) by Tingle - 2/5 stars
Kaloo-Limpah! It is I, Tingle, to regale you with a tale of my experience upon the craft and caravan known as Beedles Shop Ship! Unfortunately, it is quite a sad sight. The vessel contains naught but a thin, sad-looking merchant who cant seem to even afford a shirt.
Not only that, but his shop sells a grand total of three items at one time, most of which animal bait and weaponry. And this is out in the ocean! That poor soul wanders the seas, hoping for someone to sail by who just so happens to be in dire need of a some fish feed and some bombs. Not to be rude, but if such a person exists, they are certainly crazier than Beedle, or even myself! And Im a thirty-five year old man in a green leotard! Kaloo-Limpah!
Burger Town (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2) by James R. - 5/5 stars
If destroying ten highly-advanced enemy tanks in a row doesnt build up an appetite, nothing will. The amount of calories I burn regenerating multiple, supposedly fatal bullet wounds can border on ridiculous, and thats why I rely on Burger Town to make sure my belly is ready for a supply drop.
With a wide menu that includes chicken sandwiches, burgers, the same burger but with another patty on it, and a near-indestructible meat locker in the back, Burger Town is both the practical choice in tactical combat and tactical cuisine. When the chips are down and all hope seems lost, I close my eyes and think of those obesity-building, mass-produced, chemical-laden grease sandwiches and feel invincible. Not just because I already am near-invincible as is, but because you cant truly kill a man who knows what hes fighting for.
LIMB Clinic (Deus Ex: Human Revolution) by Adam J. - 4/5 stars
Whats a little dependence on neuropozyne to keep your body from rejecting cybernetics if it means you get to be awesome? I mean, I never thought I would end up like this, but now that Im all rigged-out with the best augmentations science and corrupt corporate interests can offer, I might as well make the best of it.
The routine maintenance and upgrades LIMB offers not only grant me a new lease on life, but check this: I just went in on Tuesday and walked out that day with the ability to see through walls. Repeat: I can see through walls now! Stop and let that sink in for a moment. In conclusion, when I need my augmentations worked on, LIMB is the best there is, even if I never asked for it.
Jupiter of the Monkey (The World Ends With You) by Neku S. - 5/5 stars
Dont you just hate it when youre given seven days to live, and the only thing in the way of saving your soul from destruction isnot being trendy enough? It doesnt matter if youre more into brands like Mus Rattus or Tigre Punks, when you need to look sporty and show off for all the those Reapers, you gotta represent Jupiter of the Monkey.
Not only is JotM a great choice for style, but its also waaaaay more wallet-conscious than other brands like, say, Pegaso. Need a place to get pins, shorts, or shoes? Or maybe a place to take in some sweet street art or Noisy Shibuya atmosphere? Look no further than the Monkey.
Royal Palms Resort (Dead Island) by Purna J. - 1/5 stars
I thought I was done with all the madness when I left my police paperwork to come to this rinky-dinky island but nooooo, fate still finds a way to ruin everything. I dont know if its a party thats gotten way, way, WAY out of hand or something, but the entire bloody island is losing its mind. The security staff isnt doing their jobs, and theres just a horrible mess everywhere. The hotel hallways are also just littered with luggage and other debris, which is not just rude but also asking for pickpockets to rifle through everything like some kinda road warrior. Simply no order!
And here I was, thinking that the Sam B. concert was going to be my biggest worry, but now things are seriously mental. Only plan on checking in if you plan on helping me check out.
Gils Pit Stop / Reds Diner (The Walking Dead: 400 Days) by Wyatt - 2/5 stars
Yeah, me and my bud Eddie drove by this place and let me tell you--the place is dead. I mean that in both the metaphorical nothings going on over there and the less-metaphorical theres walking corpses all over the place sense of the word.
I imagine the place was nice at some point, and I could see it having some potential, once you get the chance to set up some defenses or whatever, but trust me, youre gonna need a small army of folks to get that place under control. So take it from us, if youre fond of breathing and youre a misfit pair of lovable losers, not John G.D. Rambo, just keep your eyes peeled on the road and keep driving.
Goldenrod Department Store (Pokemon Gold/Silver) by Ethan - 4/5 stars
Regardless of if youre just starting out or defeating the Elite Four for, like, the 18th time, any Trainer worth his or her salt should check out the Goldenrod Department Store. Theyve got TMs, nutritional supplements that make your Pokemon swole as heck, PokeBalls of all types, and even a daily prize drawing if you like berries. (Seriously, who does a berry lottery?)
The store is part of what makes Goldenrod a great place to visit. You can shop here, train at the gym up the street, visit the radio station, or even gamble away all the money your mother saved for you. They didnt even card me and Im ten. Anyway, my only complaint about Goldenrod Department Store: 350 PokeDollars for a can of lemonade? Whats in it that makes it so expensive? Mewtwo sweat?
The Brass Lantern (Fallout 3) by Wanderer, T.L. - 3/5 stars
As far as establishments go, The Brass Lantern isnot bad. Its the closest thing to a family-friendly restaurant around that hasnt been reduced to ash or taken over by super mutants. Yet, at least. People these days would rather have a bar, a tavern, a pub, or some combination of all three, it seems.
"As far as entrees go, they got a good Brahmin steak thats not awful with a little bloatfly gravy on it, but its really hard not to be distracted by how unclean the place is. Half the menu was scrapped off a Brotherhood guys power armor yesterday and the other half expired in 2032. Also, I heard one of the guys who run the place, Leo Stahl, has a real bad addiction to Jet. I meanyeah, I *do* drink water from abandoned public toilets to stay alive out there, but its not like Im paying for the privilege to do so.
Raise your voice, customers!
Was Rapture Records service worthy of the sweat of your brow? Did the ramen at Eldoons Noodles do your wallet justice? Do you agree its weird that the merchant in The Undead Burg doesnt accept checks, only souls? Hit the comments below so that gamings latest and greatest entrepreneurs get the fair shake they deserve!
And if you're looking for more, check out GamesRadar's lists of the video game characters' complaints at the doctor's office and the Video game characters' school report cards.