Alien (1979)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Ripley battles the Alien one last time, clad only in a tiny pair of panties and a tight white vest. Phallic imagery abounds as she finally triumphs over that pesky Xenomorph.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: We'd have ended up with something akin to the nightmarish pregnancy seen in Prometheus .
Wild Things (1998)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Denise Richards and friend get themselves in a bit of a lather with a ludicrously sexual clean of Matt Dillon's car. You don't get that kind of treatment down the local garage.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: They'd have offered Dillon a threesome rather than a "car wash". Although to be fair, that does happen later on.
Rear Window (1954)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Grace Kelly unpacks her things round at James Stewart's apartment, revealing that she's brought an overnight bag along with her. A subtle statement of intent from Miss Kelly there…
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: She's start unpacking a value pack of Durex and a bottle of lubricant.
Sideways (2004)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Maya and Miles bond over a shared love of a good red, with Maya flirtatiously holding forth about the "life of wine". As she builds towards the climactic payoff ("and it tastes so fucking good"), Miles has already fallen under her spell. Pity he scarpers shortly after!
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: She'd come over all Swiss Tony. "Enjoying a fine bottle of wine is very much like making love to a beautiful woman…"
Interview With The Vampire (1994)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Brad Pitt and Antonio Banderas very nearly lock lips, only for Pitt to break the spell, leaving Banderas panting with desire. "The intimacy of this scene, its delicacy, the restraint and the love - were all glorious to behold," said creator Anne Rice, breathlessly.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: We'd have seen tongue.
Dirty Dancing (1987)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Johnny gives Baby's parents what for before scooping her into his arms and leading her on-stage for the show-stopping finale, (I've Had) The Time Of My Life .
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: We'd have been treated to that famous "dirty bit" The Black Eyed Peas are always bleating on about.
Catch Me If You Can (2002)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Jennifer Garner and Leo DiCaprio play a game of Go Fish to work out just how much a night of passion together would be worth. $1000 dollars is the fee decided upon. Seems reasonable.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: He'd slap the money onto the dresser and get straight on with it.
A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Marlon Brando is a walking slab of testosterone as Stanley Kowalski, who practically howls at the moon to persuade his Stella to take him back. Her silent ascent to his wishes, and the way he scoops her into his arms is proper caveman stuff…
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: The camera wouldn't shy away from showing us their undoubtedly physical bout of make-up sex.
40 Days And 40 Nights (2002)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Josh Hartnett and Shannyn Sossamon can't technically have sex, on account of Hartnett's self-imposed ban, but he can get very creative with a flower. Very creative indeed.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: He'd scrap the ban at the first chance of getting in Sossamon's knickers.
The Incredibles (2004)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Mr. Incredible meets Elastigirl for the first time, with the latter tying him up in knots. "You need to be more flexible" she purrs, as she twists and turns herself around him. Woof!
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: A quick Google search of The Incredibles with the safe filter off should give you a troubling insight into what might have happened. What is wrong with people on the internet?
Ghost (1990)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Who would have thought that making a clay pot could be remotely sexy? Demi Moore and Patrick Swayze prove themselves masters of clay-based erotica in Ghost 's signature scene.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: They'd be fashioning that clay into a lifelike phallus. It already starts going that way in the actual film...
GoldenEye (1995)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Bond has a sauna-based tussle with Xenia Onatopp, treading an extremely fine line between flirting and fighting. "You don't need the gun," trills Xenia. "That depends on your definition of safe sex," quips Bond.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: Moore or Connery would have managed full sex and still come out on top. Amateur.
The Mask (1994)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Cameron Diaz makes her grand bow into the public consciousness, leaving Jim Carrey's Stanley Ipkiss a bundle of drooling nerves as she struts around in that red dress.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: She'd wink at Carrey and ask him if he could show her how to make a deposit.
Tom Jones (1963)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Our hero Tom shares a particularly suggestive dinner with a comely fellow traveller. Never has a meal been devoured more sexually.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: Short of fellating a carrot, we can't really think how either party could devour their meal with more obvious sexual intent.
Un Chant D'Amour (1950)
The Sexless Sex Scene: A pair of banged-up lovers manage an intimate moment through the wall of their respective cells, by sharing the smoke from a cigarette. Love has no boundaries, and all that…
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: They'd be using that whole in the wall for something slightly less romantic.
Fast Times At Ridgemont High (1982)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Phoebe Cates teaches Jennifer Jason Leigh how to put her lips together and blow, with the aid of a cafeteria carrot. No wonder they get a round of applause from a nearby table of jocks!
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: Cates would produce a full-on sex aid from her backpack and have her practice on that.
From Dusk Till Dawn (1996)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Salma Hayek sends jaws crashing to the floor as vampire stripper Satanica Pandemonium, who allows lucky old Quentin Tarantino to drink a shot of tequila from her dripping foot.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: He'd be drinking it from somewhere less family-friendly.
Chocolat (2000)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Juliette Binoche and Johnny Depp might only be dancing, but judging by the look on his face, he knows he's dancing his way straight into her bedroom, like a slightly unkempt version of the Milk Tray man.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: They'd be smearing each other with liquid chocolate and generally having a fine old time of it.
The Mask Of Zorro (1998)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Camp as Christmas it might be, but there's still a distinctly sexual undercurrent to the swordfight between Antonio Banderas and Catherine Zeta Jones. Especially when he cuts her dress off.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: We'd bear witness to some swordplay of a different variety.
Get Carter (1971)
The Sexless Sex Scene: As his tactless landlady hungrily listens in, Jack Carter calls Britt Ekland's love interest for a spot of phone sex. The mood is spoiled only by the arrival of Ekland's husband, who barks at her, "What's the matter? You got gut trouble or something?” Nice.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: The landlady would be taking more than a passing interest.
Viva Las Vegas (1964)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Ann Margret joins Elvis on the dancefloor for one of the sexiest dance scenes in living memory. She manages to put The King in the shade, which is no mean feat.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: You'd be able to see an unfortunate kink in Elvis's perfectly tailored suit.
Lost In Translation (2003)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Having spent a wild night on the town together, Bob and Charlotte duck out of the karaoke mayhem for a minute or two, sitting quietly with each other as Charlotte rests her head on his shoulder. There's a lot going on here, and at least one component of it is sexual…
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: They'd have sneaked to the bathroom for a quick bunk-up.
Batman Returns (1992)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Having engaged each other in a bruising fist fight, Catwoman lowers herself onto a prone Batman before licking him all over his face. Miaow!
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: She'd have made a grab for that rubbery old codpiece. Holy sexual aggression, Batman!
Titanic (1997)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Rose entreats Jack to paint her "like one of your French girls", as she disrobes and poses for him on a handy chaise longue. Needless to say, he needs a few deep breaths before he can compose himself.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: He'd have a videocamera set up instead of an easel…
Basic Instinct (1992)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Sharon Stone wears out a generation's worth of pause buttons when she sexually intimidates her police interrogators by slowly uncrossing her legs. She's not wearing any knickers!
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: She'd take her top off as well. Bit more of a faff though.
Flashdance (1983)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Jennifer Beals gives one lucky lobster an obscene amount of attention, as she licks and slurps every last bit of meat out of its shell. Distracting dinner company to say the least.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: She'd plant a big wet kiss on its little lobster face.
Who Framed Roger Rabbit? (1988)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Jessica Rabbit makes every man in the Ink & Paint Club feel as though she's singing directly to them as she purrs her way through Why Don't You Do Right? Wowsers.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: She'd be singing a Lil' Kim number in her undergarments.
The Big Sleep (1946)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Philip Marlowe turns his lascivious charm up to eleven on a blushing book store assistant. "I'd a lot rather get wet in here," he grins, producing a bottle of whiskey from his jacket.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: "Read that 50 Shades Of Grey have ya?" leers Bogey, before bundling her into the stock room.
When Harry Met Sally (1989)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Sally leaves Harry in no doubt that women can convincingly fake orgasm, by going through the heavy breathing motions in a busy deli. "I'll have what she's having," etc. etc.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: It really isn't very subtle, but we suppose Harry could have joined in with his own sex noises.
The Fabulous Baker Boys (1989)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Jeff Bridges tries his level best to keep his eyes on the keys as Michelle Pfeiffer writhes all over his piano, crooning Making Whoopee as she does so. He doesn't even flinch when she rubs her hand all over his face!
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: Bridges would effortlessly segue into Lady Marmalade . Voulez vous, etc.
Secretary (2002)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Sadistic old James Spader reveals his unusual working practices by commanding Maggie Gyllenhaal to bend over his desk. The ensuing spanking is a tribunal waiting to happen…
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: There would be no need for the pretext of having her read a letter.
Breathless (1983)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Richard Gere and Valerie Kaprinsky horse around in the swimming pool, stopping just short of actually getting it on. In a film full of sex, it's this teasing exchange that's one of the sexiest moments of all.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: See Showgirls for details.
Witness (1985)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Harrison Ford and Kelly McGillis share a lingering look so pregnant with longing he may as well be pointing straight at his groin and mouthing "come and get it".
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: He'd be pointing straight at his groin and mouthing "come and get it".
Casino Royale (2006)
The Sexless Sex Scene: As Vesper sits fully clothed in the shower, trembling in shock at the brutal murder she's just witnessed, Bond sits down next to her, puts her fingers in his mouth and holds her until she feels better again.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: He'd go down the Moore route, appearing in just a bow tie and cocking his eyebrow suggestively.
It's A Wonderful Life (1946)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Mary and George huddle around the telephone receiver to share a conversation with Sam. The chemistry between the two, standing here so close together, is simply electric.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: George would be openly sniffing Mary's hair as she starts unbuttoning his shirt.
The Graduate (1967)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Mrs. Robinson reduces Benjamin to a bundle of nerves as she plays with him like a cat plays with its dinner. "Mrs. Robinson, you're trying to seduce me," he stammers. Well done, genius…
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: As Benjamin accurately points out, she isn't very subtle at all: "You got me into your house. You give me a drink. You... put on music. Now you start opening up your personal life to me and tell me your husband won't be home for hours."
Mr. & Mrs. Smith (2005)
The Sexless Sex Scene: The titular couple pitch up to dinner armed to the teeth, before engaging each other in a steamy Tango, stripping off each other's tools as they do so.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: They'd rip each other's clothes off and dance naked around the packed restaurant, much to the dismay of the maître d'.
Double Indemnity (1944)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Barbara Stanwyck sets Fred MacMurray all of a fluster, simply by appearing at her door clad only in a bathrobe. "Is there anything I can… do?" she purrs, suggestively.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: MacMurray would promptly announce that, "I've come to fix your plumbing."
Pulp Fiction (1994)
The Sexless Sex Scene: John Travolta and Uma Thurman take to the dancefloor to enter the Jack Rabbit Slim's twist contest. These two are packing some serious moves, but you can be sure there are some they're holding back for later…
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: They'd be doing the no-pants dance back at her place. To hell with Marsellus!
North By Northwest (1959)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Cary Grant and Eva Marie Saint are getting cosy in their train compartment, only for Hitchcock to cut to an image of the train going into a tunnel. Do you think he means… ohhhh.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: He'd cut straight back to Grant and Saint going at it hammer and tongs. Just in case anyone missed the allusion.
The Thomas Crown Affair (1968)
The Sexless Sex Scene: Faye Dunaway and Steve McQueen share a game of chess, with every move dripping with sexual tension. When Dunaway lingers over McQueen's bishop, it's almost too much for him to take.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: She'd slowly start sliding the bishop into her mouth. Too much?
Out Of Sight (1998)
The Sexless Sex Scene: George Clooney and Jennifer Lopez burn up the screen as they squeeze into the trunk of a stolen car and share a cramped few minutes in which personal space is very much off the agenda.
If It Wasn't Quite As Subtle: Instead of whispering vaguely flirtatious smalltalk into J-Lo's ear, Gorgeous George would just start licking her neck.
