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Survival of the fittest
Everyone can properly handle firearms and explosives
You may initially detest using deadly force--but you'll turn into a pirate-pwning god the second you get your mitts on a gun. It doesn't matter if you've never shot one before, or if you don't have any formal firearm instruction. Neither did Jason, and he pops domes with remarkable accuracy. After all, it's not like people dedicate years of their lives to marksmanship!
Article continues belowThe hard part is finding a gun. Once you do, you'll know how to chamber a bullet; how to reload a magazine and insert it into a weapon; how to equip and calibrate things like silencers and scopes. And you'll never have to worry about any of these things failing, or your shoulder getting sore from all that recoil. Best of all, when bullets just aren't enough, you'll know exactly how to prime a grenade, molotov cocktail, rocket launcher, C4 explosive, flamethrower, or any other super weapon without fear of complication. That's just how normal people roll.
Zip-lines are useful for busting into enemy compounds
Regular folks like to save the day in style. That's why God invented zip-lines and placed them throughout the jungles of Rook Island. One second, you'll be standing atop a recently liberated radio tower; the next, you'll be zip-lining straight into an enemy compound while brandishing a handgun like it's nobody's business.
Your enemies will surely perish as you swoop in guns blazing like a pistol-toting hawk attached to a lengthy piece of rope. Extra points if you descend the zip-line using only your bare hand. Gloves and hooks are for babies.
"Going stealth" means throwing knives with pinpoint accuracy
Sometimes you'll sneak up on an enemy undetected. You might take this opportunity to pass by without raising alarm; or, you might even take that pirate out all quiet-like and hide the body. But theres a good chance you don't have the expertise to pull something like that off--especially when there are two guards in close proximity.
Nay--when such an event occurs, there's only one logical course of action: Stab the first guard to death with a machete, steal his combat knife, and toss it with surgical precision into the jugular vein of the adjacent guard. He'll go down like a bag of bricks, and you'll give yourself a high five for pulling off such a textbook (and really quite obvious) maneuver.
Performing on-the-fly medical procedures is simple
Look, you're going to get shot once the bullets start flying. Hell, you'll probably even catch on fire a time or two once you bust out the flamethrower. But there's an easy way heal to your wounds and stay in the fight.
First, if you do catch fire, forget that "stop, drop, and roll" nonsense you learned in elementary school--what you need to do is slap your arms until the fire's gone. Once that's dealt with, you'll have to dig any bullets out of your body by prying them out with a knife. Easy peasy. You might have even dislocated your thumb; simply snap it back into place, and you're good to go. If you have any wounds more serious than these, consult a doctor. Alternatively, just respawn.
Hunting is only difficult if you're an idiot
Never been hunting before? No problem--killing animals is easy. See, most hunters get hung up on trying to track prey or use fancy baiting techniques. All those dummies really need is a good map that shows where animals live. Just take a gander at your magical parchment, drive on over to tiger territory, and open fire with that submachine gun 'til they drop.
Skinning them is easier still. Just jam your knife into the animal's corpse and make one quick horizontal slice. That's it. Voil--you've got an entire tiger skin to shove into your backpack. You'll probably need it sooner or later, you filthy poacher.
Anyone can make backpacks out of animal skin
That tiger skin you just got? Like, mere seconds ago? It's time to make some cool junk with it. Don't worry about twine or rope, though. Aside from a bit of David Blaine street magic, the skin's all you'll need to make ammo pouches, backpacks, and more.
Grab the fresh pelt and will it into being whatever it is you need. Just remember: The easier an animal is to kill, the weaker its skin. The weaker its skin, the less that new dog-fur wallet can hold. That's why sharks and grizzly bears make the best rucksacks.
You don't need a doctor when you have a jungle full of plants
It doesn't take a rocket scientist to turn everyday plants into highly useful medicines, sensory enhancers, and combat stimulants. If you ever find yourself in need of any of the above, grab your machete and hack off some plant leaves, then grind that stuff up into injectable liquids.
Green plants have useful healing properties; red plants are awesome for making you a better killer; yellow ones let you "see" animals in the distance by smelling their scent. Of course, this is pretty common knowledge, and because you'll already know the proper dosage for any of these totally conventional medicines, you don't have to worry about accidentally overdosing! Thank goodness they teach all this stuff in sixth grade biology.
Become a more efficient killing machine by getting a tattoo
As the saying goes: Practice makes perfect. But you know what else makes perfect? Tattooing your own arm in a tribal sleeve featuring spiders, sharks, emus, and other badass animals Jason Brody-style.
Doing so will give you access to latent talents you never knew you had. You'll be able to breathe underwater for, like, five minutes straight, and will magically conjure additional animal pelts every time you skin a ferocious beast. You'll be smarter, stronger, faster--all because of a wholly unique tribal tat that proves to the world just how normal you are. Must be something in the ink.
Hang gliding requires no formal instruction
Whenever you need to get somewhere fast, don't bother trying to drive a car through the jungle. Instead, climb to the top of a nearby cliff, and you'll probably find a hang glider (in perfect condition, no less!) waiting for you.
Luckily, flying with one of these things doesn't take much preparation, and you definitely don't need any kind of special harnesses to do so. Just grab hold of the bar, jump off a cliff, and shift your weight whenever you have to turn or adjust altitude. As you approach your destination, simply let go of the bar and land on your feet. Of course, being the average person you are, you've undoubtedly done all this before.
Wingsuit flying requires no formal instruction, either
In the rare occasions there are no hang gliders perched atop the precipice you've scaled, just use that wingsuit you just so happened to bring with you. Most would agree this is an even easier device to employ when it comes to jumping off of very high surfaces, as all you have to do is spread your arms like a bird.
Soon you'll be catching thermals like a pro, and you won't have to worry about dying while using the wingsuit as long as you remember to use water to break your descent. If water isn't available, use your parachute. You did bring that, right?
Just act normal
If Jason Brody is an everyman, that sure says a lot about the capabilities of us normal folks. Of course, being too realistic probably doesn't translate into video game fun--and as we stated earlier, Far Cry 3 is a hell of a lot of fun. What other protagonists are portrayed as larger-than-life "regular" people? Let us know in the comments below.
Want more gaming untruths? Check out 10 lies video games tell us about war and 10 lies video games tell us about outer space.
