The Penis Song
What Happens: Cameron Diaz and idiotic party pals Christina Applegate and Selma Blair break into song during dinner in a restaurant, bawling a little ditty about penises to the tune of Right Said Fred’s 'I’m Too Sexy'.
Why It's Stupid: Tuneless, brainless and excruciating. What part of three horribly misused Hollywood starlets garishly jabbing at their genitals and chanting ‘You’re too big to fit in here!’ is supposed to make us not vomit?
Nuking The Fridge
What Happens: Finding himself inconveniently located at a nuclear testing site moments before a live nuclear test, Indy hides himself in the fridge of a mocked-up home to avoid the effects of the blast.
Why It's Stupid: Well... because the fridge would be obliterated by the blast, and should it somehow be launched several miles through the air as in the film, Indy would be a broken, leaking sack of bones upon landing.
So crass and idiotic it’s joined ‘jumping the shark’ as shorthand for drastic loss of quality.
Chewed Up And Spat Out
What Happens: Mario Van Peebles’ West Indian researcher Jake edges onto the prow of a boat intending to trick the shark into eating a rigged electrical device. Instead it eats him, in a spewing tide of blood and horror. Only, uh, he survives and is found in the water a few minutes later.
Why It's Stupid: Forget Van Peebles’ definitely-racist Jamaican accent (er, mon), the cold fact is, not even Jesus wearing his lucky pants could survive that mauling. It’s like the camera panning over at the end of Braveheart to show Mel Gibson ever so gingerly touching his head. Ooh! Close one.
White Chocolate Alien Babyman
What Happens: A cross-transfer of human and alien DNA results in a slightly scary Ripley clone and – at the film’s climax – the birth of a giant half-baby alien thing with big sad eyes - who believes new Ripley is his mum.
Why It's Stupid: Because the alien is supposed to be the cold-hearted universe’s perfect killing machine, not a giant mewling toddler with soggy rubber skin and mangling claws. GET OUT into the dark vacuum of space, you franchise-murdering bastard!
Papa From Another Planet
What Happens: Jodie Foster’s driven science lady builds a super-expensive machine using plans deciphered from intergalactic alien radio transmissions, and then travels with the machine through the universe to meet an alien in the shape of her dead dad.
Why It's Stupid: Because knocking the legs out of the plot you’ve been building up for over two hours by reclining into a pit of smug Freudian ambiguity isn’t smart or engaging. IT’S BULLSHIT.
Jump, Bus, Jump!
What Happens: In order to satisfy the demands of the tightest high-concept plot ever (keep the bus above 50mph or boom), Sandra Bullock power-drives the loaded 35 ft-long monster over a 50 ft gap in the interstate.
Why It's Stupid: Because buses have trouble going up hills, let alone levitating over holes in the freeway. Bullock’s miracle wagon hits the end of the road and launches itself into the air for no reason, and even in the final edit is clearly about to plummet immediately after takeoff.
The Architect Speaks!
What Happens: Cybernetic superman Neo fights his way through over two hours of overblown wire work and reaches the core of The Matrix! Which, umm, turns out to be a sub-Orson Welles fat dude in a white suit explaining that Neo is maybe a program, or something.
Why It's Stupid: Because “Your life is the sum of a remainder of an unbalanced equation inherent to the programming of The Matrix” is the worst line ever delivered in a mainstream Hollywood film, and the fact it’s delivered by Colonel Sanders doesn’t help. Make with the fighting, please.
The Invisible Car
What Happens: Along with his usual rucksack of improbable technological goodies, 007 is also handed an Aston Martin Vanquish which comes with a cloaking device as standard.
Why It's Stupid: Yes, that’s ‘cloaking device' - like a hip-hop Klingon might use to pimp out his ride. Honestly, WTF? Bond-tech works because it’s not only possible but just on the edge of probable. This one is clearly in the realm of distant sci-fi and – unless you’re cool with waiting for the battery to run flat before you find where you parked the thing – really impractical.
The Boy Makes It!
What Happens: The Cruiser’s mardy son abandons his father and sister during an apocalyptic invasion and joins the armed resistance against the aliens. Somehow, he doesn’t die, and is reunited with Tom at the end.
Why It’s Stupid: Because you’d have to have bits falling off your brain to plump for throwing rocks at indestructible death machines instead of running away really fast. And because how the hell did the kid not die in the scorched-Earth massacre Tom sees after he runs away, and then beat everyone back to Boston? Rocket boots?
King Of The Swingers
What Happens: During a jeep chase through a Brazilian jungle, Indy’s newly-discovered son Mutt Williams gets tangled in some hanging vines but manages to keep pace by swinging through the foliage with a pack of friendly monkeys .
Why It's Stupid: Most obviously, because even a PCP-loaded Tarzan couldn’t keep up with a speeding car using vines and gravity. But most aggravatingly, because George Lucas’ clumsy CG fingerprints are all over the stupid monkeys and their stupidly stupid unreal smiling stupid faces.
