Forget babalities. These are the new finishers Mortal Kombat X REALLY needs


Player One forces Player Two to oil him up in preparation for the big bodybuilding meet. Many awkward glances are exchanged.


Player One meticulously recreates the Christmas manger scene, before stuffing Player Two into the crib, weighing him down with gifts of frankincense and myrrh, and finally filling him up with hot liquid gold. It's a Game of Thrones golden shower!


Player One streaks across the stage in nothing but their birthday suit. Player Two giggles and/or ogles, as appropriate.


Player One force-feeds the opponent a la The Simpsons' Treehouse of Horror. Player Two promptly explodes.


Player One runs around the arena honking like a crack-addled goose.


Player One clambers up one of those evil-eyed trees overlooking the ladies' changing rooms. "Got wood?", the tree asks the 'kombatant', before eating said pervert alive.


Player Two becomes Player One's all new manservant, fetching grapes, bathing his sores and acting as a human footstool.


Player One tears into Player Two with the vitriolic vocab of a lifelong bus station loony. Most of it, naturally, does not make sense.


Player One rides his defeated enemy into a Scrooge Mcduck-like ocean of 'koins', using him like a surfboard until the hard, metallic waves eventually scrape his front off.


Player Two narrowly avoids having his thorax ripped out thanks to train delays. Player One, having arrived for the fight on time, tries to call him seven or eight times, before giving up and buggering off back home.

Samuel James Riley
When he's not busy saving small animals from dangerous brush fires, Sam enjoys writing about the weird world of video games. All-time favourites include Half-Life 2, Knights of the Old Republic, GTA: Vice City and Final Fantasy 10. Last year, Sam finally succeeded in besting Rayman 1 for PlayStation, leaving his life utterly without meaning.