Player One dons nondescript waiter's garb, before offering his opponent a tasty crab puff. Said puff is stuffed with nitroglycerin.
Player One breaks supersonic wind on their opponent, putrefying them instantly.
In a shocking twist, Player One announces Player two's real parentage live on TV, Jerry Springer-style. They embrace, sobbing.
With no unique weapons to hand, Player One manages to MacGyver together a chainsaw out of toothpicks and old shoes.
Player Two is forced to decide distinguish butter from I Can't Believe it's Not Butter, a decision that ultimately renders him quite mad.
Player One's lawyer takes a good, long look at the MK tourney's laundry list of health and safety violations. The 'kontest' is promptly closed down. Shao Khan is arrested, and later shanked to death in the prison block showers.
Player One morphs into Chris Pratt. All is made well.
Player One summons up a gigantic blender, before dicing their opponent into a nutritious gore chunk smoothie.
Player One rounds up the old babality gang and convinces them to eviscerate Player Two. Authorities later find the victim with a baby rattle implanted in his windpipe.
Player One destroys Player Two in the most modern way possible, by releasing several naked pics of them onto Instagram.