Life in FMV Hell

We've already given you some insight on what happened with the '90s experiment ofFMV interactive gaming. Yes, those games were awful. But if for some reason, you were too young or somehow lived in a cave during that woeful time in entertainment, we were nice enough toendure some crappy sub-level "acting" for a quick tour through the worst of the worst. Enjoy.

Phantasmagoria - 1995

How it begins:
A screaming lady with long blonde hair is in a scary place that involves her being strapped into a torture chair. But that's not all; it's so scary that the camera flings itself around like a stunned wasp, with tons of fake limbs hanging around from everything. She wakes up in bed with her husband, a man with a ponytail normally reserved for the sweatiest men from Porn Valley, California - but actually she's still dreaming and is in an iron maiden! Then, she wakes up again. She kisses the guy, who is blatantly evil.

How it works:
After a breakfast scene in which there's so much lumbering conversation that you'll want to cave your own skull in with your subwoofer, it's established that the newlyweds have just moved into a gigantic scary mansion apparently once owned by a nefarious magician called Carno someone. Rather than call around to check who her gas supplier is, the lady's first instinct is to wander around in front of a blue screen, making stilted movements and looking at dull paintings in the worst attempt at point-and-click mankind has ever conceived.

Sex and violence is certainly lacking in the early bits of the game. Jumping ahead through the discs reveals our version had the controversial "rape" scene edited out. However,the rest of the gamefeatures such gems asthe ponytailed porn man mugging the line, "I may be dressed as an evil clown, but you are my wife and you WILL have sex with me!" followed by a clumsy cut to the blonde woman trying to do an impression of Jack Nicholson's wife in The Shining. When we played the ending through and screwed up, the lady got her head cleaved in two by a swinging scythe, which was both grim and strangely satisfying.

Actors have also appeared in:
Ponytail man starred in Witchcraft II: The Temptress, while Screamy Lady once had a (we think, non-naked) role in the UK's once-famed late-night wankathon Hotline. Brilliantly, the twosome fell in love on set, and could well be trading stilted sexual innuendo and vague platitudes to this very day.

Rating - Extremely bad