Life in FMV Hell

Days of Oblivion II: The Frozen Eternity - 2000

How it starts:
Peasants attack a Venetian scientist in a bad wig, all of whom are a little too excited to be on camera. Then a magic thing is thrown in the sea, before a long soliloquy by the game's star - a Euro-trashy man in an Elvis suit wearing over-large sunglasses. We're then treated to the sight of a badly trained ninja taking out an old German man. The adventure begins.

How it works:
It's a point-and-click affair, but it's also entirely in German, so it's hard to tell what the hell is going on. Nevertheless, after ten minutes we'd been threatened by an old lady with a shotgun before sweet-talking her into giving us a bowl of some sort of pudding. After a quick chat with a vampire we got really stuck though - which was unfair, as we can't remember the last time we laughed this hard at something so amateurish.

The game box promised nothing but lewdness and naughtiness, but the reality of the situation is far distant. A quick skip and dance through the .wmv files of latter CDs however reveal ten FMV monologues from a bikini lady apparently coated in beeswax and a video of someone touching herself in front of a mirror that you can watch during space-taxi rides in the game.

Actors have also appeared in:
Every single person involved in this travesty of gaming seems to have gone underground or, presumably, onto those phone-kissing chat-line ads you see every two minutes on late-night TV.

Rating - Utterly awful