GamesRadar Ultimate Character Battle! - Day 1

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64 of gaming's greatest icons face off to decide who rules the internet


FROM: Shaq-Fu/Sly Cooper series

We thought about this for a while, and decided that writing Sly Cooper into future battles will be a hell of a lot easier than Shaq, as we can only make so many “Shaq Attack” jokes. Besides, it's not like anyone actually played Shaq-Fu. Sly wins.

FROM: Last Alert/Super Mario series

Growling a string of unspeakable blasphemies, Mario lurches forward drunkenly and grabs Chairman Steve by the crotch, crushing the man’s testicles in his iron, white-gloved grip. Cursing the whore who brought Steve into existence, Mario plunges the index and middle fingers of his free hand into Steve’s nostrils and, yanking upward, rips the fleshy knob of a nose away from Steve's face. As Steve screams, choking on his own blood and tears, Mario lifts Steve above his head and, with an inhuman roar, rips the man in half.
Chairman Steve dies. Who’s Chairman Steve?

FROM: Mr. Driller/Metroid series

FROM: Zork series/Final Fantasy X

Tidus is an effeminate, buckle-clad crybaby shitface. Grues can only exist in the dark. After waiting around for hours for his opponent to show, Tidus decides he's been stood up and runs into a pitch-dark closet where nobody can see him cry. Without a torch or flashlight to protect him, he is immediately eaten by a Grue.

FROM: Spider-Man 3/Halo series

After the two heroes reach a stalemate, Peter Parker starts lecturing Master Chief about “the hero in all of us” in a droning, deadpan monotone. Just then, Peter’s face gets sick of listening to Tobey Maguire's phoned-in voice and folds in on itself like a fu**ing old star. SHMEEERRRRRRRRRRP. Master Chief wins.

FROM: Castlevania: Symphony of Night/Zero Wing

ALL OF ALUCARD’S BASE ARE BELONG TO CATS. ALUCARD IS ON THE WAY TO DESTRUCTION. HE HAVE NO CHANCE TO SURVIVE MAKE HIS TIME. CATS IS WINNING. OH MY. “ZIGS!”

FROM: Street Fighter series/Monkey Island series

As Ryu advances on Guybrush, the wannabe pirate begins clicking everywhere desperately. Miraculously, he clicks the pickle on the waterwheel, which summons the pirate ghost to activate the beartrap, which irritates the penguin, which then goes back in time to murder Ryu’s mother before he was ever born. Guybrush wins.