When MindsEye arrived this summer, many of us hoped it would be a well-paced antidote to open-world bloat – a source of GTA-style thrills packaged tightly in an eminently completable campaign. But even in our own MindsEye review, the list of cons was double the length of the pros. And the killer complaint, under all the bugs, was that MindsEye was boring. "The majority of your missions are either spent as a cover shooter or driving from A to B," wrote Alan Wen. "More often than not then driving back from B to A."
Lots of long drives between out-of-town places, during which not much happens? Hard to argue with that two-star verdict. And yet, part of me recognised that description as exactly what I choose to do every other evening. Only in GTA Online.
The headline events of GTA Online are, as you've likely heard, its unique heists. In many ways these are Rockstar North's crowning achievement: extraordinary combos of back-to-back cinematic setpieces, demanding intense concentration and choreography between teams of four players. Satisfaction at its most sweaty-palmed. But for most of us logging into Los Santos on the reg, heists are the exception. The bread-and-butter of play are repeatable missions, carried out to keep your nefarious businesses running.
True Romance
The routine goes exactly like this: my wife and I navigate the complicated but long-since-memorized set of button presses required to set up an in-game business. In our case, it's NT Holdings, named for Nina and Tina, our two scruffy yet high-heeled avatars – a pair of seasoned crims who simultaneously look like they've slept in a bin and ought not to be messed with. Once registered, a network of previously purchased money-making establishments ping into being on the map.
From there it's a matter of calling in one of our vehicles – perhaps the Sabre Turbo muscle car with the black stripes and the jumpy rear end, which aquaplanes across lanes in a fashion I choose to find endearing, and my wife chooses not to. And then visiting each of the businesses in turn: taking the lazily curving path through the Hills up to the Grand Senora Desert, where a well-staffed factory prints bank notes to a quality that would rival the Federal Reserve. Before bearing east through Paleto Bay, beside the lake, and onto the freeway where a dilapidated set of sheds hides an indoor forest of tall, healthy cannabis plants.
Yeah, there's eventual action: attacking a rival gang to gain supplies for the weed farm; driving bin lorries into the city to drop off counterfeit cash undercover. But, thanks to Rockstar's resolute refusal to allow fast travel except under highly specific circumstances, much of our time is spent on the road, driving well-worn routes between familiar stops. And even in public sessions, the countryside is sparsely populated. Maybe we'll challenge ourselves not to crash for the entire journey, or discover a new radio station on which a producer constantly apologizes for the absence of the show's supposed host, Julian Casablancas. But the repetition is, to some degree, the appeal: a meditative sequence so associated with after-work downtime that it succeeds in conjuring relaxation and good vibes.
There are capitalist forces at play beyond those of NT Holdings, of course. Live-service games like GTA Online encourage repetitive routines because they increase regular engagement, which drives the flow of decidedly-noncounterfeit cash into the pockets of Take-Two. It doesn't do to be blind to the manipulative design trends of the modern age.
In GTA Online, even 'passive' income earned by your businesses has to be picked up, which means more driving, or flying, if you want to be efficient about it. Rockstar's latest update, Money Fronts, enables you to boost the takings of your weed farms and cash factories significantly by laundering money through car washes and medical marijuana dispensaries. But with greater profits comes more busywork: extra hands-on interactions to 'cool down' suspicion around your front businesses by washing coupés or delivering prescriptions.
Why trap yourself into scooping up Scrooge McDuck-esque piles of imaginary earnings? Well: the money isn't just earmarked for obnoxious musical carhorns and garish paintjobs. These businesses feed into GTA Online's larger structure, which gates heists and story missions behind huge in-game purchases, like nightclubs and submarines. Engaging with the CEO side of the game is, in theory, optional - but only if you don't mind long waits in between doses of cinematic adventure.
Yet no amount of well-reasoned cynicism can displace the smile on my face when I think about GTA Online's long, boring drives. Because I have a lovely drug-running routine with my wife that we both enjoy. And huge swathes of Los Santos County, areas I never touched when playing GTA 5, have become our backyard. Sometimes, on an evening, light from Rockstar's artificial sun beams between the mountains of Marlowe Valley and dances among the bushes in the vineyard. And I'm delighted to know a decade-old map so well.
Meanwhile, we're also asking Rockstar very nicely to consider making our GTA 6 wishlist a reality
