Tomb Raider 4-6 Remastered trapped me in a cave for over an hour, but at least it taught me a valuable lesson in following instructions

This is one of those moments where I think to myself, Oh, God, I'd never survive a wilderness situation. I can't even make progress in Aspyr's newest addition to its Tomb Raider Remastered collection, which is breaking my heart for the second Valentine's Day in a row with its hostile modern controls.

1-3 Remastered kept making my graphically upgraded, smooth and supple Lara drown in river currents like a wet rat, or pushing her off stone ledges like she was making every 50-foot leap with her eyes shut. Those clunky controls were neither truly modern, since they responded inconsistently to my inputs, nor traditional, since the remastered collection wasn't made with tank controls as its priority. They were awkward and unsexy. Moving sluggishly through intrepid Lara's treacherous and implausible world made for an agonizing experience. So, even though I love Lara like she's the most beautiful and idiotic part of me, I eventually gave up on Aspyr's first Remastered collection.

But you know how people in love can be. Like Lara in her iconic red-lens shades, I put my rose-colored glasses back on for 4-6 Remastered's release. I was eager to play a modernized version of the games, originally released between 1999 and 2003, which include what players think as the highest (The Last Revelation, game four) and lowest (Angel of Darkness, game six) points in the series. The Remastered collection is like a perfectly portioned chocolate sampler.

Latest Videos From

That being said, I'm currently stuck in a watering hole in The Last Revelation's tutorial area, where I've been unsuccessfully trying to jump on a tall stone slab for over an hour. With mounting dismay, I realize that this is an 11 hour game, and I have wasted 10% of Lara's life on rocks.

A jumping-off point

I don't think this is supposed to be that hard. I already showed my fedora-wearing mentor Werner that I could leap across precipices in the temple Angkor Wat, and this particular gap I'm having trouble with is exactly like the one I easily cleared, just a bit wider.

"This one calls for a run-up," Werner told me an hour and 20 minutes ago, when I first started trying to leap the gap. He instructed me to press the back button, then hold forward while jumping, then hit the action button to grab onto the ledge and hoist myself up.

Here's the problem: I feel like I've tried that. Before I got stuck, I was certain I had already attempted every possible permutation of walking, running, jumping, and grabbing in the world. But 4-6 Remastered has the same issue with movement as 1-3 did – Lara feels like she reacts to my button inputs a moment too slowly every time, regardless of whether I guide her with modern or tank controls.

I've been swapping constantly between both, hoping that one will reveal a secret command I've been missing. In the case of the watering hole, it works. I accidentally hit right trigger on my Steam Deck, and Lara pulls herself up out of the water pit where she's been wading for the past few minutes, no doubt poisoning herself with trench foot.

But I don't want to think about feet. I need to focus on finally making it to that platform. I dry off by dashing up an incline in Angkor Wat, and I position myself back where I started in the temple, at the first platform with its more narrow fissure. I make it across no problem. Now comes the second platform. My palms sweat. Earlier, I found that pressing "back" in modern controls makes Lara do an about-face, whereas pressing "back" in tank controls causes her to jump backwards, so I decide to forgo Werner's instructions and rely on a leap of faith.

I hold my breath – and I fall on the floor. Again. Lara lands with her stupid hands stick-straight in the air, the position she takes every time she starts another stupid jump. God, I hate her!

I do like the braided pigtails she's got going on at this point in the game, though, very darling. Aspyr's added some bows made from leather cord, too, I see, a nice upgrade from the original's more subtle cord ribbons.

You start to notice these kinds of things when you're failing to reach a platform for an hour and twenty five minutes. Like, you see that 4-6's remastered graphics add a lovely breeze to its foliage. Or, that when Lara flips in the air while springing from a slippery surface to another, the momentum she gains in her spin still doesn't give me enough height to reach the platform, and my life is useless. Werner, at this point, isn't giving me any more tips. He isn't even calling my name – I can see him in the far corner of the map, quietly skulking in the shadows.

OK, fine. I'll just try again. One last time!

I make sure to follow Werner's instructions exactly as he spoke them. I enable tank controls, which is what his dialogue refers to. I press the back button. I hold forward while jumping and hit the action button.

Oh. I did it.

Well, that wasn't so bad. Adventuring is my destiny, after all.

The Tomb Raider series has sold 100 million copies and is now getting three more remasters – including Lara Croft's worst-reviewed game.