Real f**king language
Profanity can be fun. We all agree about that. Sometimes when youre trying to get your point across, a well-placed language enhancer can heighten the impact of a statement or add a little humor to it. Were all guilty of a little foul language now and then, and those who say theyve never uttered a bad word are probably fucking liars.
Some games, too, take command of the vulgarity ship and steer it into waters unknown. Some of it is creative, some of it is over the top, but it's all a wonderland of profanity you probably shouldnt repeat to anyone ever. Want to learn some new insults to hurl at a party? Let me be your older brother, teaching you words mom and dad don't want you to know. And don't you dare tell them where you heard them.
South Park: The Stick of Truth is super fucking vulgar
South Park is known for its over-the-top vulgarity and penchant for swearing, so it wasn't a shocker when the official game followed suit. Stick of Truth has plenty of moments thatll make your ears burn while you either laugh hysterically or cringe in disgust, some of which I didnt think even South Park would try.
For starters, theres a clever dig at how games let you name your character but never actually address them by name; Cartman calls the new kid Douchebag for the entire game, even after he asks you what your real name is. Attacking enemies sometimes results in a hey, fuck off or some other insult from the victim. Oh, theres also the section where you chase Underpants Gnomes around your parents bedroom while your mother shouts fuck me and other heat-of-the-moment expletives at your dad during coitus. Theres plenty more I could talk about, but Stick of Truths vulgar surprises are better unspoiled. Just make sure not to play it around easily offended people.
Conkers Bad Fur Day wears its vulgarity like a badge of fucking honor
Conker, what happened to you? You started out so sweet and nice as you raced against Diddy Kong and his pals in Diddy Kong Racing. I heard you were getting your own game and I got really excited about it and then you turned into a greedy, beer-swilling poonhound with a crazy potty mouth--and I was in love. This Conkers better than another generic animal mascot anyday.
There are a lot of moments in Bad Fur Day that stick out, but nothing compares to the operatic stylings of the Great Mighty Poo. I am the Great Mighty Poo / And I'm going to throw my shit at you! / A huge supply of tish / comes from my chocolate starfish / How about some scat you little twat? Ive never played anything more ridiculous, and I love every second of it.
Rogue Warrior is as vulgar as they fucking come
Apparently, the most proficient weapon in Richard Marcinkos arsenal is the F-bomb, because he drops it every chance he gets in Rogue Warrior. He's a lone Navy SEAL infiltrating enemy bases in North Korea and the USSR; youd think hed have a little more control over the volume and content of his speech. Nope, its all fuck this and that and you and your family. Its very strange.
I might have let the profanity go if it either fit into the games themes (which it does not) or if the game was enjoyable enough to make me ignore it (which it DEFINITELY was not). What was marketed as a tactical first-person shooter and the story of an exceptional American soldier is actually a bug-ridden, excessively profane mess of a game. The only appropriate swear I heard during my Rogue Warrior playthrough was me saying fuck this game and moving on to something else.
Scarface: The World is Yours makes vulgarity its little fucking friend, then makes you say hello to it
Imagine that: a game based on the movie Scarface has a lot of foul language in it. I know, Im not surprised either, but it doesnt change the fact that Tony Montanas potty mouth from the movie perfectly carries over to the video game world. I wouldnt have it any other way, really; a Tony Montana that doesnt throw the F word around like its rice at a wedding just wouldnt work. (PS, don't throw rice at a wedding, it's bad for birds.)
The best part? The casual cursing isnt just in the story: you can control it via the games taunt button. If I am particularly pissed off at a certain enemy or if I just want to throw salt on an exit wound, I can hit that button and listen as Tony tells them how he really feels. That taunt button is one of the best parts of the Scarface video game, and at least one other game agrees with me
50 Cent: Blood on the Sand makes vulgarity its bitch
Again, this shouldnt shock anyone with its swearing; it stars a gangsta rapper (plus his entourage) and follows his quest to retrieve a priceless artifact stolen from them by a terrorist organization based in the Middle East. Silly premise aside, anyone whos listened to In Da Club or Hate It Or Love It knows that Fiddy has no problem with the profane.
Blood on the Sand replicates the amazing taunt button from Scarface, once again allowing players to throw profanity-laced barbs whenever they want. Every game should have this feature, because theres nothing like being able to tell some guy that hes fucking with the best on demand. How much cooler would Mario be if he jumped on a Goomba yelling GET SOME MOTHERFUCKER, WAHOOOO! Id play that game for days.
Bulletstorm breaks new vulgar fucking ground
Bulletstorm isnt content with just cursing at you. Throughout its super-charged, bullet-ridden campaign theres plenty of colorful language, but you wont just be hearing F words or bodily slang terms. Bulletstorm likes to get creative with its profanity, combining two innocuous swears into one hybrid, super-swear of awesomeness.
Some games would call a group of enemies a bunch of dicks. Others would say that theyre a bunch of incompetent tits. Bulletstorm prefers the term dick-tits, which makes both words even more potent--and, in a way, harder to picture. Some other wonderful terms youll hear include assmaggot, sloppy shithead, and namby-pamby cocksucks...and thats just from one rant. The game has so many swears developer People Can Fly added a profanity filter to censor its own game. If theres even an indication that a game swears too much, that may be it.
The Saboteur tells the censors to stick it up their arses
Sean Devlin is pretty feckin mad about his friend being killed by a Nazi colonel, and he makes it his goal to kick the shite out of that arsehole and help the resistance overtake the Nazi occupation of Paris. Vulgar words just sound better when theyre coming from someone who puts meaning behind them, even more so when accompanied by an awesome accent, and fighting Irishman Devlin means every swear word he says.
Devlin is a rough-and-tumble type of guy, and you better believe that hes not afraid to speak his mind. In one scene he gives his opinion on the difference between racing and politics: One's a hobby for rich assholes who can't get laid without a flashy car and a silly uniform. The other is racing. I learned a lot of interesting new ways to insult people from Sean Devlin, and I bet you could too.
Shadows of the Damned doesnt give a fuck about demons OR profanity
The team at Grasshopper Manufacture has no qualms about loading their games with lewd innuendo and profanity. Look at their resume: No More Heroes (you recharge your weapon by doing a "jerk off" motion), Killer Is Dead (mini-games involve you gawking at women for no apparent reason), and Lollipop Chainsaw (interactive pole dancing sessions) are all filled to the brim with stuff you certainly wouldnt show your mother. Shadows of the Damned, however, takes the vulgar cake and shoves it up a demons ass.
"My name is Garcia 'Fucking' Hotspur, hunter of demons and slayer of pendejos like you!" When your main character introduces himself like that, you know youre just getting started on the profane train. Thats without including his pistol named Boner, his floating skull friend named Johnson, or the frat-house banter between the two throughout the game. If you prefer your swearing with a demonic edge, then Shadows of the Damned is for you.
House of the Dead: Overkill sets a new fucking record
When House of the Dead goes grindhouse with Overkill, the easily offended and squeamish run away in terror. Theres blood, gore, major gross-out moments and more profanity than weve ever heard in a game before. Seriously, the 189 F-bombs dropped throughout the three-hour campaign (3% of all dialogue!) were acknowledged by the Guinness Book of World Records as the most "fucks" in a video game. Thats quite the accomplishment.
We can all thank Isaac Washington for that honor, as the vast majority of those F words come from him. Virtually every sentence out of his mouth ends with some version of mother fucker, no matter what hes talking about. He could be petting a kitten in a safe area, yet hed still say something like this is one soft kitty, motherfucker! He probably set that Guinness record by himself, though its a shame the record only lasted about a year
Mafia II breaks that fucking record, capisce?
Over 200 F words can be found throughout the script of Mafia II, the current Guinness World Record holder for most F bombs in a video game. Vito, his best friend Joe Barbaro, and the rest of the Mafia 2 cast throw Italian-accented Fs around like theyre baseballs at Yankee Stadium, yet the proficiency of profanity adds some authenticity to the whole Mafioso vibe. These guys didnt get where they were because they were nice.
Sometimes the dialogue can get downright silly: during some firefights, among the booms of gunfire youll hear youre dead, you fucker, you want some of this motherfucker, that fuckin son-of-a-bitch, or some other phrase just like it from all over the place. I feel like a major opportunity was missed not having a big spaghetti dinner scene; hey Ma, pass the fuckin gravy, please. Dont you fuckin talk to me that way! and so on.
Get the f**kin point?
Thats a lot of fuckin bad language, right? Who knew video games could be a treasure trove of great insults and brand new bad words to add to our vocabulary? Ok, we all know it, but that doesnt mean it shouldnt be acknowledged! Huzzah for bad fucking language!
For some good clean non-vulgar fun, check out the most impressive, imposing castles in video games and learn why the real villain in Watch Dogs is YOU.