Video games. The cereal killer
Breakfast may well be the 'most important meal of the day', but it's also a sad reminder that you're about to leave the house, go to school or work and probably not play video games for the next six hours. Unless you commute, in which case you've probably got a handheld. But the point still stands. Breakfast can't really be gamified.
Except it can, clearly. Like a surreal Noel Gallagher, we've added a sprinkling of video games to our cornflakes, because it makes them that much more palatable. You can't buy these in shops, but you can always pretend your favourite brand is one of these instead. Spoon ready? Great. Dig in...
Bran Theft Auto Five Grain
It's full of bran and it's got five grain goodness. Criminally tasty, according to the advertising slogan.
"Be better qualified for testing" says the advertising slogan. Wheatleybix speeds up every aspect of your mind, speech and digestive system, leaving you ready for anything. Or so it says on the box. Also, you get to send off for a 'Personality Hemisphere', known as a bowl to you and me.
Cap'n Price's Crunch
Now you can get crunchified with Captain Price from the Call of Duty series. Every bowl is choc-full (literally) of milk chocolate moustaches. They're a bit rich for children, being solid milk chocolate, so the cereal is not intended for anyone under the age of 18. But children's parents buy them anyway because "what could possibly be wrong with a cereal, right?" Ooh, the satire! It burns! It burns!
Alpen Pen TriIceLon
No, this isn't just an obscure game that we saw in a list on Wikipedia. We actually own a copy of Pen Pen: TriIceLon (it's a play on 'triathlon') on Dreamcast. Pen Pen trivia? It was one of the four Japanese Dreamcast launch games. So now you know. Rumours about this (entirely fictional) cereal containing actual penguin are completely unfounded.
One for Avril Lavigne to sing about. "I'm not the milk and Bangai-Os in your spoon... because that's freakin' weird, you weirdo."
PS Vita breakfast biscuits
Guaranteed battery life of four hours means you'll be gaming from breakfast right up until lunchtime. At which point you'll have to recharge it again. Well, at least everyone who tries it likes it, even if it isn't a bestseller just yet.
Special Kane & Lynch
Kane and Lynch recommend a balanced diet to complement your active lifestyle. They also get in a lot of trouble, primarily for advertising their breakfast cereal wearing red, one-piece swimsuits. *Shudder*.
Can you think of any more good ones?
Perhaps you looked through this feature and thought 'By thunder, they've left out X'. And you're absolutely right. We did. Unless you didn't look closely enough and it's one of the cereals we did do, in which case all we can really say is RTFA. But, assuming you didn't commit such a heinous crime, do share your ideas in the comments. Go on, be as funny as you can.