All this week on GamesRadar, we've paid tribute to bro culture in gaming. We think we've done a pretty decent job, but you know what's been missing? Actual bros. So we wanted to round off the week with some real, authentic bro input.
What do bros really want from games? What do they think of the present state of gaming, in particular the raft of non-bro-friendly titles that make up much of the creative renaissance currently being enjoyed by the medium? To find out, we've enlisted the services of one Chad S. Bruhammer, a 100% bone fide real bro, and our brand new Bro Gaming Editor, to offer up some appraisals and suggestions for improvement.
He is definitely real, and not just a figment of my imagination. I hope you enjoy his insights, which start just over on the next page.
How to improve Journey for bros
Says Chad Bruhammer, Bro Gaming Editor:
"So there are these two bros trekking across the desert together for something. I dont know what. Probably some mean kegger on the other side. But what the hell, man? Why arent they acting like the real bros they clearly are? These guys have got to be pretty tight to be making a trip like this together (they go through some serious shit along the way), but why do they never properly celebrate in their bromanship? Theyre making seriously clutch wins together all the way through the game, but they never say a word to each other. Singing? Crouching? Unspoken communication and empathic relationships? What is this weak-ass shit?
"This is a co-op game. And co-op games are the very definition of bro gaming. Any bro who's ever saved his buddy with a chainsaw execution in Gears will tell you that. This game needs regular fist-bumps. And chest-bumps. And ass-slaps. And mic chat. Thats how you create a real bond of broship. And while were on the subject, why are these guys walking through a desert? Dirt bikes, people, dirt bikes. What the hell?"
How to improve Persona for bros
Says Chad Bruhammer, Bro Gaming Editor:
"Okay man, these kids are just plain dumb. Theyre fighting monsters at night, and training to be badass and popular in the day so they can be even better at fighting those monsters. Good use of time. Responsible attitude. Thats how you make yourself Alpha, I appreciate that. I spend all day every day training to be a badass by consistently, categorically and without interruption being a badass, and I could totally beat down any monster pussy I wanted to if I came up against any. But these kids methods are all screwed, man. They need to focus like a real bro.
"You see the game lets them do anything during the day. And they do it. They hang out. They go to noodle bars. They watch movies. They do homework. What the hell? And as a result theyre such damn emo pussies that when they do get around to fighting monsters, they end up shooting themselves in the head whenever theyre threatened. Is it any wonder theyre such big quitters when they spend their time like they do? If the game wants these kids to be really badass, it should only give them three daytime options. Football practice, weights at the school gym, and keggers at the weekends. Badassery? Check. Popularity? Check. Thats how I roll, and bro, if a monster ran into me, I wouldnt even need to fight it. As soon as it saw how capable I am and how big my crew is itd be out of there.
"Jeez, seriously, noodle bars? WTF?"
How to improve ModNation Racers for bros
Says Chad Bruhammer, Bro Gaming Editor:
"Motorsports. Vehicle mods. Im down with this game, bro, I really am. But again, whats with all these dumbass options that no-one needs? You can drive a green Cadillac with caterpillar tracks and wings while youre dressed up as Sonic the Hedgehog? Gay.
"There are only three mods that need to be in this game. A) Big-ass trucks. B) A whole crapload of big-ass wheelrims. C) Suspension kits. Lots of em.
"Thats it. Nothing else. Keep it pure, bro."
How to improve Catherine for bros
Says Chad Bruhammer, Bro Gaming Editor:
"So a guy is having girl problems. Yeah, hes kind of a puss, but hes a bro so you wanna help him out. But the games logic is just way screwed up. Problem is that hes stuck between these two girls, and he doesnt know which one to pick. But I ask you this, bro. How is that a problem? Believe me, Ive been in that situation a lot - and usually with way more than two - so I know it can seem tough at first. But theres a real obvious solution that the game doesnt give you.
"You know what makes it worse? The answer is right in front of this guys nose. He spends a huge amount of time like he should - drinking in a bar with his bros, but he misses the whole damn point, misses the whole damn solution hes being given, and keeps on souring the buzz. Bros before hos, bro, bros before hos. He doesnt need this crap. Game should just let you skip the stress of deciding and keep drinking with your buddies. Or, you know, just have both. Problem dealt with. Done."
How to improve Child of Eden for bros
Says Chad Bruhammer, Bro Gaming Editor:
"Shooting stuff. Thats cool. But dude, whats with the presentation? Weak-ass Techno? Flowers? Butterflies? Why the hell am I wasting my bullets on this shit? Are you saying Im not bro enough to fight a butterfly without a gun? Are you saying Im some kind of pussy-bitch who needs to cap a marigold in case he cuts himself on the petals? Is that what youre saying? Have you seen how much I can pump bro? Huh? Yeah!? Just what are you saying, bro!?
"Okay, okay brah, Im chilled. Its cool. But this game makes no sense. Why am I shooting stuff that cant hurt me? Why am I listening to this music? Why arent I shooting at stuff that needs to be shot? Like terrorists. Okay, so terrorists cant really hurt me either, because Im a 100% pure real American CoD-playing patriot, brah, but you know what I mean. So lets fix that. And can we switch that weak soundtrack out for some Kottonmouth Kings too? And maybe some House or Dubstep? Sweet bro, sweet."
How to improve Heavy Rain for bros
Says Chad Bruhammer, Bro Gaming Editor:
"Okay, theres some cool shit in Heavy Rain, but whats with all this weak emo mystery crap? This game has badass club scenes. It has badass party scenes. You can get laid. You can see a chicks tits. But then theres this sorry buzzkill called Ethan moping around because his wife left him and the weathers bad or some shit.
"Dude, check out what the hell else is going on! Clubs. Parties. Tits. Guy has a way negative attitude. He can even get laid with the tits-chick later on, and then we still have to follow him around while he mopes for a few more hours. I get that life can get a bro down sometimes. And Im cool with a game thats about cheering a bro up. Good times. Its an important bro skill that every bro should be able to execute for his bros, and a game that teaches the correct ways of doing so can only be an important piece of edubrotainment. But damn, Heavy Rain teaches it wrong. More clubs. More parties. More tits. Thats what a bro-cheering simulator needs.
"And can we improve the weather too? Shit needs to be set at spring break or some shit."
