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9 things you won’t see in Gears of War 3

Water levels are the death of fun, and Epic’s devs are adding one with a mech suit to Gears 3 - all they need is a sticky floor and something that reverses your controls to complete their “Things that ruin game controls” bingo card. The prize is a punch in the face. We understand that they’re desperately trying to do something different for GoW 3, but "just add water" delivers the same result for videogames as it does for sea monkeys - boredom, disappointment, and hate for those who betrayed your hopes.

7. Doctors
Like disco balls and hawaiian shirts, medicine is another life-improving aspect of Earth culture that never took root in Sera. You'd think a society where 90% of the population are composed of twice as much flesh as real humans would need someone able to stitch that shit back together, or at least know how it works. But it turns out medics are unnecessary on a world where you can heal someone of four hundred bullet wounds and grenade-ingestion by punching them and calling them a pussy.

Though we do enjoy the idea of an alternate world where Mike Tyson and Mr T are sworn rivals competing for the title of Greatest Surgeon Who Ever Lived.

8. A useful robot
If a narcoleptic C3PO and a can opener had a child the result would be Jack (though the conception would scar you for life). Every time he invisibly appears just to open a door it shatters any kind of immersion, making you think "Wow, this is a cut scene. A really stupid one." Check out this secret COG-Command technical document we discovered...

Why does this thing even have arms? It’s basically the world’s largest acetylene torch/walkie talkie. If you absolutely must have a robot called Jack, there's already one that would actually fit beautifully into the Gears universe.

Though he does look a little skinny compared to Sera’s humans...

9. A real ending
Creating a successful shooter franchise is like creating artificial life - it's all very exciting at the start, but before you know it, your creation dominates your every waking moment. It took developer Bungie eight years to escape Halo, and even this was only accomplished by transferring the curse to other studios and allowing the creation of an RTS – the developer equivalent of gnawing off a foot caught in a bear trap.

Epic’s Cliffy B has said that this game will conclude the trilogy - which is VERY different from saying it’s the last game – “trilogy” could easily mean “original storyline”. This is a successful Microsoft franchise: an asteroid couldn't kill the Gears series now. The entirety of Epic games could be wiped from the Earth by nuclear fire and Microsoft would have another studio announcing Gears: Reach: ODST before the end of the quarter.

But we have to admit: if they all keep coming out as good as Gears 3 looks to be, we’ll be okay with that.

May 5, 2011

Our Massive First Look At Gears Of War 3
A bunch of things that will be in the game.

Kill Carmine in Gears Of War 3
It’s for charity, and you help Delta Squad get the hat-trick!

Gears of War vs Halo
Come on – which one?