The Character: The embittered, gravel-voiced proprietor of Moe’s Tavern, Moe’s barely concealed depression has grown ever more pronounced as the seasons have rolled by, to the point that he’s flirted with suicide on more than a few occasions. In fact, he’s only really happy when there’s an angry mob to shoulder his way to the front of.
The Film: A bittersweet rom-com in the vein of As Good As It Gets , in which ageing miserabilist Moe finds a new lease of life when he falls for his sunnily optimistic neighbour.
Key Scene: Moe’s new attitude is there for all to see when he finally changes the vinegar in that ancient pickled egg jar.
Sample Quote: “Man, you go through life, you try to be nice to people, you struggle to resist the urge to punch 'em in the face, and for what?”
The Character: Struggling real-estate salesman Gil is an obvious take-off of Jack Lemmon’s jittery performance in Glengarry Glen Ross , a tragic figure played for laughs as his desperation grows from episode to episode. C’mon… help old Gil out, wontcha?
The Film: Gil takes the lead in what is essentially a remake of Death Of A Salesman , injecting the Willy Loman character with even more hopelessness as he attempts to conceal the loss of his job from his anxious family. In a live-action version, William H. Macy would make for a cracking Gil…
Key Scene: The low point arrives when Gil follows a story arc originally seen in the TV show, and starts working as a department store Santa. Poor old Gil.
Sample Quote: (Recurring line) “Aw, come on… you can’t say no to Gil!”
The Character: The surprisingly durable proprietor of the Kwik-E-Mart, Apu has been shot a number of times in the line of duty, without ever abandoning his post. So desperate was he to become an American citizen, that he briefly renamed his children Lincoln, Freedom, Condoleezza, Coke, Pepsi, Manifest Destiny, Apple Pie and Superman. The man’s a patriot!
The Film: We’d cast Apu in an origin story charting his journey from India to the good old US of A. This one would be a heartstring-plucking tale of hardship, showing Apu’s journey from a gritty upbringing in a Mumbai slum to the racial prejudice encountered in his new home. The underdog would triumph in the end, however, establishing himself as a valued member of the local community through his willingness to serve Squishees twenty four hours a day.
Key Scene: Apu takes a bullet from local villain Snake, treasuring the casing as a souvenir of the first time he truly felt at home.
Sample Quote: “Ah, the searing kiss of hot lead… how I missed you. I mean, I think I’m dying!”
The Character: A muscle-bound action hero portrayed by the actor Rainier Wolfcastle, fond of half-baked one-liners and throwing moustachioed villains through plate glass windows. He kind of reminds us of somebody, but we can’t quite put our finger on who…
The Film: We’d like to see an adaptation of the movie in which McBain pursues the crooked Senator Mendoza, having seen his goons gun down his beloved partner Scowie. Would you believe it was his last day before retirement? This calls for some revenge… a dish best served bloody!
Key Scene: The seminal diner scene, in which Scowie shows McBain a picture of his wife aboard their boat, “The Live-4-Ever”.
Sample Quote: “In this department we go by the book,” howls McBain’s furious boss. “Bye-bye book,” says McBain, reaching for his gun…
The Character: The hot-tempered groundskeeper at Springfield Elementary, Willie likes nothing better than a quiet night in with a wee dram and his leaf-blower. Unfortunately for him, either Skinner, Bart or both are on hand to make his life miserable. Angry, angry man…
The Film: Much as we enjoyed the Nightmare On Elm Street take-off in one of the Halloween specials, we’d cast Willie in a grim kitchen sink drama, in which he plays a violent loner looking for redemption by rescuing a battered wife from her cruel husband. Tyrannosaur , basically.
Key Scene: The opening scene outlines the grubby squalor of Willie’s private life, as he watches his “home movie collection” of secretly filmed couples in their cars.
Sample Quote: “My hobby is secretly videotaping couples in cars. In this country it makes you look like a pervert, but every single Scottish person does it!”
The Character: Montgomery Burns’ long-suffering assistant, Smithers is a firmly closeted homosexual struggling with an unrequited love for his ancient and tyrannical boss. There’s no accounting for taste…
The Film: A romantic drama in which poor Smithers struggles with how best to confront his feelings. Should he confess his love for Burns and risk losing everything, or continue living a lie in order to remain close to the object of his affections? Life lessons ahoy!
Key Scene: Smithers grudgingly drives Burns from playground to playground in order to indulge his love for stealing candy from babies. That’s true love for you.
Sample Quote: “I’m so happy I could hug you,” exclaims Smithers. “And have me smell like cheap drug store cologne the rest of the day?” retorts Burns. “You may hug my shadow.”
The Character: Clancy Wiggum is Springfield’s chronically inept police chief, a bumbling, overweight donut-muncher with a singular inability to solve a case on his own. Notorious for recording legitimate crime reports on his “invisible typewriter”…
The Film: A buddy cop comedy in which a capable rookie finds himself partnered with the ludicrously disaster-prone Wiggum. When the two are charged with cracking a ring of drug-smugglers, much mismatched hilarity ensues…
Key Scene: Wiggum reaches for his holster, only to realise he’s left the TV remote in there again. Oh Clancy…
Sample Quote: “They only come out at night. Or in this case, the daytime.”
The Character: Poor old Skinner is the put upon principal of Springfield Elementary, where his working day is systematically sabotaged by Bart Simpson. Back at home it’s no bed of roses either, with his dear old mum continually putting him down. And then there’s his boss, Superintendent Chalmers, who always seems to turn up at the worst possible moment…
The Film: A screwball comedy in which Skinner attempts to convince Superintendent Chalmers that everything is running smoothly at the school, despite a teachers strike, unruly children and a very drunken Willie. All together now… “SKINNNER!”
Key Scene: Seymour disguises himself as Mrs. Krabapple in order to persuade Chalmers that it’s business as usual in Bart’s math class.
Sample Quote: “I have had it with this school, Skinner! The low test scores… class after class of ugly, ugly children!”
The Character: Springfield’s premiere children’s entertainer / advertiser of shoddy and potentially hazardous products, Krusty’s act hasn’t changed in the best part of twenty years, and yet people keep paying him. Good thing too, as his drinking and gambling requires a pretty steady cashflow…
The Film: A King Of Comedy style caper in which Krusty heads to New York, only to be rejected by every major network going. Angered by this rejection, he kidnaps Conan O’Brien, locks him in his basement and takes over his show. The ratings are great, but how will Krusty deal with his guilty secret…?
Key Scene: Krusty opens Conan’s show with his tried and tested, “waiting for a bus” sketch. If it ain’t broke…
Sample Quote: “If my writers knew how to appeal to girls, they wouldn't be writers.”
The Character: Springfield’s incumbent mayor is a JFK soundalike with a penchant for corruption, adultery and making mugs out the people he’s supposed to be representing. Probably the most shrewdly drawn character on the show, then…
The Film: Armando Ianucci scripts this political satire in which Diamond Joe takes a run at the presidency, undermining Obama with a stereotype-laden smear campaign, whilst masking the fact that his own policies are chronically ill thought out. Topical stuff.
Key Scene: Quimby is caught in bed with yet another intern on the night of the election. Boys will be boys, after all.
Sample Quote: “By the way, this young woman is not my wife, but I am sleeping with her. I’m telling you this because I’m comfortable with my womanizing.”
The Character: Homer’s infuriatingly cheerful neighbour is a God-fearing family man, who’s loved by (nearly) everyone, for his good-natured approach to life. As the ditty goes, “hens love roosters, geese love ganders, everyone else loves Ned Flanders!”
The Film: A domestic drama in which Ned Flanders’ seemingly perfect life is turned on its head by the death of his wife. Left to care for two children, Ned realises that he didn’t have everything figured out after all, and is forced to turn to his friends and neighbours to help him pick up the pieces. We’re thinking a bittersweet dramedy in the mould of The Descendants .
Key Scene: Ned takes the boys to church for the first time after Maude’s death. Not a dry eye in the house…
Sample Quote: (Maude, before her death) “Neddy doesn’t believe in insurance. He considers it a form of gambling.”
The Character: Ah, poor simple Ralph. With Chief Wiggum as a father, he wasn’t dealt the best genetic hand, and yet he manages to take the family knack for stupidity to hitherto unscaled heights. That said, he does have the odd profound insight. “My cat’s breath smells of catfood,” for example…
The Movie: A teenage sex comedy, charting the attempts of a teenage Ralph to get his leg over. Will he be able to find a girl capable of seeing past his innate stupidity to the kind heart within? Or will his post-lobotomy charm be lost on the teenage girls of Springfield? Come on ladies… give the guy a chance!
Key Scene: A flashback to that watershed moment in which Lisa breaks his heart on national television. It cracks us up every time.
Sample Quote: “That’s where I saw the leprechaun… he told me to burn things.”
The Character: Springfield Elementary’s school bus driver, Otto is your average small-town drop-out, big on heavy metal but not so hot on responsible driving. Worryingly attached to the word “Dude” for somebody who must be pushing thirty…
The Film: A Harold And Kumar style stoner comedy, following the exploits of Otto when he loses the school bus after a particularly heavy night on the tiles. Will he be able to find it in time for Monday morning? And how many weird and wacky scrapes can he get himself into whilst looking for it? Plenty, we’ll wager.
Key Scene: A cameo from Jon Bon Jovi, who appears to Otto during a drug-fuelled hallucination to deliver a much-needed pep talk.
Sample Quote: “It’s not my fault… the drinking fountain dared me to do it.”
The Character: “There is a man, a certain man, a man whose grace and handsome face are known across the land! You know his name, it’s Mr. Burns! He loves to smoke, enjoys a joke, why he’s worth ten times what he earns. He’s Mr. Burns, he’s Monty Burns… to friends he’s known as Monty but to you he’s Mr. Buuuuuuuurns! BURNS!”
The Film: A Citizen Kane style biopic of the great Monty Burns, charting all his philanthropic acts throughout the ages. We’re imagining something along the lines of A Burns For All Seasons , the film Burns has commissioned in an attempt to win the Springfield short film contest. Naturally, the movie would be preceded by everybody’s favourite short, Football In The Groin .
Key Scene: A young(ish) Monty helps the Allies win WW2 by engaging Hitler in a fist fight. Take that, Fritz!
Sample Quote: “Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod! We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, damn it!”
Comic Book Guy
The Character: The embodiment of the worst kind of internet-trolling, plastic-cover-preserving uber-geekery, Comic Book Guy is as sarcastic as he is unhealthy, with a bizarre predilection for older women. Remember that episode with him and Agnes Skinner? We’d rather not…
The Film: Comic Book Guy discovers a suitcase full of extremely rare first editions, only to discover that the collection belongs to Fat Tony. Deciding the find is too good to surrender, our portly hero embarks upon a cross-country adventure in the style of True Romance , attempting to sell his cargo before the mob catches up with him…
Key Scene: Comic Book Guy’s travels take him Comic-Con, where he attempts to woo Sarah Michelle Gellar before settling for a night with Nichelle Nichols.
Sample Quote: “Worst movie idea ever.”