Alan Partridge Critiques 2012's Best Movies

Hats off to the marketing boffins who came up with the idea – characters unworthy of their own film bundled up into a movie supergroup. Like The Travelling Wilburys, but a film.

It inspired me to pitch a similar idea based on UK cops shows.

Brit Police Muster would bring together Bergerac, Spender, Lewis, Taggart, Burnside and a woman (TBA) but it hit the buffers because Jim Nail was being an absolute arsehole.

Talk about dark! Moody low lighting and mumbling might seem cool but I could barely tell what was going on.

Maybe it was better in the cinema. I saw it on a DVD bought from a Chinaman in a pub.

Still, I enjoy Batman. He is a billionaire who stockpiles his wealth and uses it for good. As such, it’s a pretty persuasive argument for low taxes – and that’s why I like it.

A Bond for the 21st century. Funny, I don’t remember ordering one – the 1977 version was just fine thanks.

Bond drinking lager?! Bond drinks vodka martinis, perhaps starting off with a large cola if he’s out of breath or thirsty.

Much has been made of Craig’s piercing blue eyes, but look again and you’ll see they also have a wet, rheumy quality that makes him look like he’s been crying or is crying.

So no, I do not think Daniel Craig is the best Bond.

Don’t watch Star Wars films. Not into Star Wars. Never have been. Couldn’t care less about it.

I know people like it but I have absolutely no interest in the Star Wars films or any of the people who like them.

A TV movie called The Karen Carpenter Story which was so engrossing I later realised I’d polished off a big bag of miniature Twixes and a loaf and a half of bread. Irony alert! Sorry Karen!

In all seriousness, Karen was played deftly by Cynthia Gibb who also played the lead in An Accidental Christmas (a TV movie), High Stakes (a TV movie) and Holiday Affair (another TV movie but I watched it on an iPad).

If you like your movies accompanied by what sounds like a pig grunting, slurping and snaffling chips and chocolates, then I urge you go to the cinema with Simon Denton.

I’m going to hire a big Alpine lodge and invite friends, family, colleagues, associates and their friends and families to fly over for mulled wine, snowball fights and a big turkey dinner!

Just trying to get an idea of numbers then I’ll try to book somewhere.

Might have to be next year now thinking about it, so it’ll probably be a quick chicken lunch at home before popping down to Dukes to see if any of the lads are there.

Alan Partridge Mid Morning Matters is out on DVD now.