7 Movies To Save Us From Swine Flu

Swine flu is gripping the nation like a demonically mutated pig with enormous trotters.

We’re all terrified – the news tells us so. UK infection is inevitable. The end seems likely. But rather than sitting on our hands waiting for the first tell-tale coughs to start, we thought we’d try to do something about this mess.

Pandemic: Motoba, an infectious, ebola-like virus.

How It Spreads: A disease-carrying monkey from Africa scratches one man and spits on another. Bad times ensue.

Lesson Learned: That manufacturing a serum using monkey’s (or in our case more probably pig’s) blood may save mankind. Also, there’s a strong chance swine flu might be government made, and that Donald Sutherland may somehow be involved. [page-break]

28 Days Later (2002)

Pandemic: Bio-chemically engineered ‘rage’ virus.

How It Spreads: Tree-hugging types crack a vivisection lab and set free a really angry monkey.

Lesson Learned: That your best hope of surviving a ruinous outbreak is to be in quarantine before it all kicks off, like hospitalised hero Jim. Also, stay far, far away from Chris Eccleston should swine flu bring civilisation to its knees.[page-break]

Planet Terror (2007)

Pandemic: Mysterious zombifying agent DC2 (codename: Project Terror).

How It Spreads: A rogue scientist releases the toxic gas near a rural town when a shady deal with a mutated army unit goes south.

Lesson Learned: That during the aporkalypse: you should never trust rogue scientists, it may be necessary to replace injured or missing limbs with automatic weapons, and sex may be used as a potent weapon against power-abusing authority figures.[page-break]

Braindead (1992)

Pandemic: An infectious disease turning victims in to zombies.

How It Spreads: The carrier, a Sumatran Rat Monkey, attacks a visitor at Wellington zoo. Bloody monkeys, man, they’re at the root of everything.

Lesson Learned: That protecting loved ones you suspect of infection, like hero Lionel with his rotting mother, is likely to cause spread of the disease. Also, if your swine flu-ridden mother attempts to engulf you in her distended womb, a lawnmower can be effective.[page-break]

12 Monkeys (1995)

Pandemic: An unnamed virus that has rendered the earth’s surface unliveable.

How It Spreads: A rogue virologist deliberately leaks the disease following the bungled intervention of time-travelling hero, Cole.

Lesson Learned: Should mankind elect to send a potential saviour back through time to prevent swine flu from occurring in the first place, a probably schizophrenic criminal should only be used as backup. Also, Hitchock’s Vertigo is still a great film, after all this time.[page-break]

The Andromeda Strain (1971)

Pandemic: A unidentified extra-terrestrial organism which causes fatal bloodclotting.

How It Spreads: A returned satellite apparently carries the organism to earth, where it wipes out a small town.

Lesson Learned: That should the microbiological shiznit really go down, a sterile underground complex in a classified Nevada desert location is an excellent hold-up spot. Also, that being first on the scene to investigate items from an infected area – a satellite from space, anything from Mexico – is tantamount to suicide.[page-break]

Babe (1995)

Pandemic: Swine flu

How It Spreads: An innocent human child is transformed into a small pig by the violent, terrifying strength of the baconic plague.

Lesson Learned: That even should our youngest generation fall victim to swine flu, they may still lead rewarding lives by herding sheep. What do you mean you didn’t get that from the movie? It’s in the subtext, people. Subtext .

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