25 Things We Don't Want To See In Star Wars Episode 7
Millennium Makeover
Why We Don’t Want To See It: Just because the FX guys can make it look super-cool doesn't mean they should.
The joy of the Millennium Falcon is that it saves the day despite looking like it's on the verge of falling to bits.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: A few 'optional extras' - installed by Han and Chewie over the years - wouldn't go amiss.
Saving Stuff For The Spin-Offs
Why We Don’t Want To See It: In the original trilogy, every major character had a good reason for being there.
The prequels had General "I'm going to be in The Clone Wars " Grievous. Which is an amazing show... that not enough people watched.
If they had stuck half of the Clone Wars' set-pieces into the actual film, it would have been as good as the original trilogy.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: Make sure it's about Nien Nunb.
We'd be so happy we're getting a spin-off film following that guy, we'd take whatever we can get.
Recasting
Why We Don’t Want To See It: Should, say, Mark Hamill do a U-turn and decide not to reprise his role, then just write out Luke completely.
As soon as you even consider recasting, then the doors will be open to Episodes IV-VI being re-edited so that the new Luke digitally replaces Hamill.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: Kenny Baker is 79, for goodness sake.
If he doesn't feel up to sitting in a tin box for months on end, let some other poor sod sit in R2-D2.
Catchphrase Hell
Why We Don’t Want To See It: OK, so we'll be disappointed if the "I have a bad feeling about this" meme doesn't make an appearance.
But please resist the temptation to turn the screenplay into a checklist of repurposed zingers from earlier films.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: You're allowed to use "It's a trap!" as long as Admiral Ackbar returns.
Lens Flare
Why We Don’t Want To See It: There's enough light candy in the Star Wars universe already without this added distraction.
Though, to be fair, JJ's already aware of this , so we don't expect this to be too much of a problem.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: Lens flare OFF A LIGHTSABER is, of course, perfectly acceptable.
Family Values
Why We Don’t Want To See It: Down that route lies the Star Wars Holiday Special .
And we know how that one turned out, right?
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: A cameo from Chewbacca's family… for the sole purpose of bumping them off.
Blue-screen Disconnect
Why We Don’t Want To See It: Abrams is already one-up on Lucas by insisting on shooting in 35mm rather than digital.
However, there's still the risk of actors emoting in the foreground against an obviously composited backdrop.
Keep it real, guys.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: It's to be used only in dream sequences or Jedi training sequences.
Gag Deaths
Why We Don’t Want To See It: After The Empire Strikes Back , kids everywhere decided that Boba Fett was the coolest space dude they'd ever seen.
And then in Return Of The Jedi he's dispatched via a moment of slapstick.
Not so cool.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: C-3PO is just asking to be blown to bits for a laugh.
You know, as long as he's put back together again afterwards.
We love you Threepio.
Excessive Continuity
Why We Don’t Want To See It: One of the least remarked of the prequels' many sins is the insistence on trying to dot every 'i' from the original trilogy, from a spurious Jabba cameo to meeting baby Boba Fett.
Trouble is, continuity just raises awkward questions - why doesn't Owen Lars recognise the droids?
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: It's high time we met the Bothans properly.
They died to bring us this information, don't cha know.
Trade Embargoes
Why We Don’t Want To See It: Remember the excitement you felt as the opening scroll to The Phantom Menace began?
Remember how quickly that buzz dissipated when you actually read it? Cut to the action, JJ.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: At least ensure that the first thing we see is the Millennium Falcon breaking the embargo.
That's what it's built for!
Cute Critters
Why We Don’t Want To See It: Just because Star Wars is now owned by Disney, doesn't mean it has to be Disney-fied.
Look at Muffit, the dog-like Daggit in the original Battlestar Galactica , for an example of how this can go hideously wrong.
Or, y'know, the Ewoks.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: It's a baby Sarlaac… and it bites.
Lame Cameos
Why We Don’t Want To See It: Want to see David Prowse show up, sans helmet, for five seconds as a general?
Or Jake Lloyd as a mutant bounty hunter? Thought not. Cast on merit, please, not for nostalgia.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: Cast William Katt, Sissy Spacek and Christopher Walken - aka Luke, Leia and Han had the casting gone differently - as a trio of duplicitous senators.
Musical Numbers
Why We Don’t Want To See It: The beefed up interlude in the 1997 Return Of The Jedi , in which the Max Rebo Band gains new singer Joh Yowza, increasingly feels like a nail in Star Wars ' coffin. Just say no for Ep 7 .
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: The Cantina Band we can cope with.
Child Leads
Why We Don’t Want To See It: Yes, it's probably inevitable that Han and Leia will have kids.
No, that doesn't mean the film has to resemble an intergalactic version of Little Fockers .
Let's see 'em during their teenage angsty years, please.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: Anakin set the precedent for punishing Younglings in Episode 3 , so there's always the off-chance that they can wiped out if they get TOO annoying.
Palpatine Returns
Why We Don’t Want To See It: Because it's exactly what everybody in the audience will expect.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: He appears as a Force Ghost only - none of the resurrection nonsense that marred the Expanded Universe - and the film's main source of villainy lies elsewhere.
Bad dialogue
Why We Don’t Want To Hear It: Everybody rightly derides "Hold me like you did by the lake on Naboo," but it's not like the original trilogy didn't contain the odd clunker, like whiny Luke's "It's not that I like the Empire. I hate it! But there's nothing I can do about it right now. It's such a long way from here."
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: As long as Han escapes unscathed, we don't mind, really.
Expanded Universe Pedantry
Why We Don’t Want To See It: Ever visited the fans' bible, Wookieepedia? It's like a previously undiscovered circle of hell.
Forget about the non-film stuff and remember the mainstream punters.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: Thrawn is pretty cool.
Coruscant
Why We Don’t Want To See It: It's the most boring planet in Star Wars. A big city? Meh.
Bring us forests and deserts, snowscapes and mudbaths.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: It gets blown up in the first act.
Midichlorians
Why We Don’t Want To See It: Once, Jedis were bad-ass warriors blessed with instinct and elegance.
And then George Lucas decided they were composed of powerful micro-organisms, reducing a cool adventure to the pedantry of so much bad sci-fi.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: Can midichlorians go wrong? Let's see a Jedi mutate into something weird and Cronenbergian.
Dull Parents
Why We Don’t Want To See It: Too many of the novels neglected Luke and Han, turning them into boring middle-aged men who had settled into domestic bliss and 9-to-5 day jobs.
The Jedi Council scenes in the prequels were bad enough.
It'd barely be worth Hamill and Ford turning up if that proves to be the case in the film.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: It's a front.
Whatever they tell people they're doing, Han is still a rogue and Luke is busy lopping off limbs with a lightsaber.
Han Shoots First
Why We Don’t Want To See It: Few things enrage Star Wars fandom quite like Lucas' notorious re-edit of Solo's first appearance.
But after years of cathartic moments in the Expanded Universe where Han gets to restate his credentials, it's a gag that has become tiresome through over-use.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: He's teaching his son a lesson about never waiting for the bad guy to make a move.
"Always shoot first, kid."
Limp romance
Why We Don’t Want To See It: Han and Leia in Empire - screwball and sexy.
Anakin and Padme in Clones - fussy and flaccid.
Avoid the latter, please.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: Make the romance unconvincing for a reason.
Perhaps one of them is a villain, faking their affection to get closer to the Jedi?
Platform Game Action
Why We Don’t Want To See It: Attack Of The Clones lurched from set-piece to set-piece like a group of friends had wandered back from the pub to play on their Xbox.
Cinema is capable of so much more.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: Give the characters a decent reason for having to fight their way from A to B, and a scary monster at the level's end.
Jar-Jar
Why We Don’t Want To See It: Do you really need to ask?
If you insist, here's one you might not have thought of before. What if J.J. Abrams casts his pal Simon Pegg, who famously tore Jar Jar a new one in Spaced ?
Won't that be, like, really awkward if they have to share a scene?
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: It's not Jar Jar but his great, great, great grandson, who happens to be the most bad-ass bounty hunter in the galaxy.
One ear missing, lightsaber scar across his face and – crucially – no accent.
Luke Turns To The Dark Side
Why We Don’t Want To See It: It's a plot twist that has long been a favourite of the Expanded Universe, but it's a very fannish idea, and one that risks making the original trilogy really depressing in retrospect.
Leave alone.
Oh, Go On, If You Have To: Breaking bad is a bluff on Luke's part.