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Videogames make the Winter Olympics better

The Winter Olympic Games have begun and we don’t care. How could the curling or figure skating events possibly capture our attention when BioShock 2’s calling out to us from unfrozen waters with its siren’s call? Then again, if BioShock 2 can make objectivist philosophy and 1930s jazz cool again, couldn’t videogames make sucky snow sports fun to watch as well? Let’s find out.



Koopa Curling

What could possibly make a sport about slowly sliding stones and sweeping more exciting? Anything, really. That’s why we’d like to see the traditional granite curling stones replaced with a live Koopa. The uneven underbelly of the Koopa’s shell will make aiming more challenging for throwers. Also, due to the Koopa’s tendency to rotate on its axis whenever it slides on a smooth surface, sweepers will find it much more challenging to clear a path for the incoming shell. In Koopa Curling, all sweepers are required to arm themselves with a mallet in addition to their broom. Should the Koopa choose to emerge before it crosses the hog line, the sweeper may then use their mallet to force it back into its shell.

 

AT-AT Rope Climbing


The Empire Strikes back was the best Star Wars movie – and Super Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back was one of the hardest SNES games of all time. By combining the best and hardest of the Star Wars universe, we’ve concocted, what might possibly be, the most exciting and dangerous version of the classic rope-climbing exercise you’ve hated since high school gym class.

Navigating your way through the frozen battlefield of Hoth is your first challenge. Expect heavy blaster fire from Imperial troops and one AT-AT as you journey towards the thighs of the nearest AT-AT. Next, shimmy your way up to the belly of metal beast to complete this physical challenge. Extra points if you make it to the top before the Imperials reach the shield generators.


Ice Hockey Fights


Every time we watch ice hockey, we find ourselves desperately hoping that a fight will break out. That’s why Ice Hockey Fights promises to deliver everything we love about the sport, minus the passing, shooting, strategy, and rules. Nothing’s more thrilling than watching grown men throw down their sticks so that they may bat at each while trying to not fall down. That’s why Ice Hockey Fights skip straight to the fighting and never strays far from it. The only power play you’ll see is when two teammates manage to team up on a single opponent.


Above: The best part about Blades of Steel on NES… 


Above: …is also the most entertaining part about ice hockey in real life

24 comments

  • zigs - February 20, 2010 8:46 p.m.

    Has Frootata never been to GamesRadar before or something? Christ, what a great sense of humour and concept of understanding this fella has.
  • GameManiac - February 17, 2010 4:29 p.m.

    Only in video game escapism (because then they won't die, like someone who did BEFORE the Vancouver Winter Olympics). LOL on the MetaKirby bit.
  • philipshaw - February 17, 2010 3:53 p.m.

    "How could the curling or figure skating events possibly capture our attention when BioShock 2’s calling out to us from unfrozen waters with its siren’s call?" Spot on. Great article, you are right about Ice Hockey, I only watch it wanting a fight to break out.
  • Person5 - February 17, 2010 1:32 p.m.

    I personally don't care for the olympics and only knew they were on because other people were making a big deal about them, I can stand speed skating but thats it, and if fights broke out every second in hockey I would be more likely to watch it I was kind of surprised to see all the hate on this article but i guess it makes sense (not really though)
  • RedOutlive10 - February 17, 2010 1:29 p.m.

    Oh yeah this Kirby picture means +100 points to you. By the way where are the Kirby games for the next gen Nintendo consoles? As long as they keep ignoring StarFox Kirby and so on I'm not getting one.
  • MaynardJ - February 17, 2010 11:49 a.m.

    I haven't left my house in the past 3 days. I'm at home with a broken ankle, it's cold and slippery outside and from Sunday to Tuesday everyone outside was drunk celebrating Carnaval. Know what I've been doing? STUDYING! I had the TV on for the news and that's it. My whole country (the Netherlands) is proud of Sven Kramer's gold medal on the 5,000 meter ice skating. Whoop-dee-fucking-doo! Eighteen people died in a train crash in Belgium, I think that deserves more of our attention. OK, it probably is the least stupid thing on TV right now, but I didn't watch a minute of Summer Olympics 2008 because of the human rights issue in China and I got used to just not watching TV anyway. I don't think I'll watch anything besides the news and movies before the Wimbledon and Roland Garros tennis tournament or the soccer World Cup in South Africa. I liked the article, it's funny and makes fun of stupid sports that seem to fascinate the whole world for a few weeks.
  • Vagrant - February 17, 2010 4:27 a.m.

    MetaKirby is a bit broad with what reviewers they accept. I don't think the averages are very fair. Especially when Red Kirby is totally paid off by Microsoft. (also, I support the US in speedskating for the Colbertnation)
  • ForceCSW1 - February 17, 2010 3:46 a.m.

    The olympics can be prety interesting actually. Believe it or not me and my friends got sucked into a CROSS-COUNTRY skiing race becase it was a dead heat in the last lap it was rather exciting. GO USA!
  • Cwf2008 - February 17, 2010 3:07 a.m.

    Haha idiots take a joke will you? There joking around...at least i think they are. Btw Russia: YOUR HOCKEY TEAM SUCKS! USA! USA! USA!
  • whiteknight1981 - February 17, 2010 2:48 a.m.

    I was hoping we would see a connect with the best ice levels. How about the Mario belly sliding event or the jump-while-running/sliding-along-ice competition? Watching athletes try to platform jump when the platforms are a sheet of ice and having to try to land on that next platform perfectly before they slide off the ledge they are on would be the Shizzznite! And REEEEELAXXXXX!!! If there is one thing Tyler is good at, and there are many things he's good at, is to say a completely inappropriate thing to get people riled up. So congrats to all those whiney babies who complained. You just got played!!! Recaptcha: Who Elitism Seems kinda fitting on both sides doesn't it?
  • OneEyedGoon - February 17, 2010 2:07 a.m.

    I couldn't care less about the Olympics, despite being a mere 4 hours' drive away. Good article Tyler. It would seem some readers don't have a sense of humour, and to them I say: this might be the wrong site for you.
  • lovinmyps3 - February 17, 2010 1:27 a.m.

    AT-AT rope climbing. Useful skill to know.
  • lazyboredom - February 17, 2010 1:11 a.m.

    Well the olympics would be better with these... but come on the Americans are losing to the Nazi's lol
  • 8bitBaby - February 17, 2010 12:21 a.m.

    you know, maybe i would give a crud about the winter olympics if all these things were in it. I didn't even realize they were going on now. TAKE THAT OLYMPICS!
  • GoldenMe - February 17, 2010 12:17 a.m.

    Sorry Tyler, but it looks like this article won't fly.
  • D0CCON - February 17, 2010 12:08 a.m.

    they even figured out the average of 5,4,3, and 7
  • Yeager1122 - February 16, 2010 11:51 p.m.

    Wow theres alot of hate on this article i personally prefer summer olympics over the winter but both are good.
  • Ru89 - February 16, 2010 11:34 p.m.

    whoa someone has hurt feelings (pointing at frootata) lol
  • Ramijiman - February 16, 2010 11:23 p.m.

    AND YES THE WINTER OLYMPICS doesn't suck , guess what, I only don't care for it , try to argue my opinions >_>
  • Ramijiman - February 16, 2010 11:19 p.m.

    @frootata- its a joke! try not to take yourself so seriously sometimes , and I dont give a flying fuck about the winter Olympics so I guess I'm that dumb ass and I prefer to play video games to actually watch that shit I'm proud of it. I like the article was very creative

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