It's not easy being a horse, especially a horse during these tough economic
times. Despite the huge federal deficit, massive layoffs, and two wars,
American humans will find the time and money to waste on useless gifts for
friends and family members this holiday season.
Like sheep lined up for the slaughter, they gather in droves to attend Black
Friday sales. There, the humans will procure unsightly sweaters for the nephew
they never see, dresses for the niece too fat to wear them, home appliances for
mother's domestic prison, gift cards for unappreciative sons, and books about
the civil war for the father who stopped loving them years ago. But I digress.
Considering the dysfunctional state of your society, the human desire for
escapism is something I really do relate to. And when it comes to taking a
break from the utter disappointment that is your life, you could do much worse
than games. Unless, of course, you're talking about the ones featured here.
Above: This year, a human shopper stormed a Los Angeles Wal-Mart on Black Friday, using a can of pepper spray on fellow customers while hunting for an Xbox. Merry Christmas
7. I Love Horses: Rider's Paradise
Why do human girls dream of horses? Is it because our strong backs offer
more stability than their jobless fathers? Are we more nurturing than their
chain smoking mothers? Do we help them
become more attractive to boys? The answer to these questions is yes. But the veracity
of these truisms does not excuse the insult to horses represented by titles
like I Love Horses: Rider's Paradise.
Preying on the pastoral fantasies and pony wishes of its target audience,
Rider's Paradise tries to wrap the practice of horse care in a pretty box. But
all the verdant fields and rainbows in the world won't stop this title from
stumbling right out of the starting gate.
The embarrassingly bad English from the game's voice cast might not be so
grating to the ears if the sound levels weren't so messed up and you could
actually hear what they were saying half the time. Not that it'd really matter.
This "plot-driven" title finds you playing a human girl charged with
saving a farm in trouble. It's a story so lazy and contrived it feels like it
might work better as the premise for an adult film.
To its credit, the game's unbearable single player campaign won't last long.
Clocking in at a little over four hours, it's a short ride at best. But don't
expect to get any satisfaction from returning to its stiff animations,
simplified riding mechanics, and ridiculous green fields complete with