The Top 7… Games you don’t want for Christmas 2011

It's not easy being a horse, especially a horse during these tough economic times. Despite the huge federal deficit, massive layoffs, and two wars, American humans will find the time and money to waste on useless gifts for friends and family members this holiday season.

Like sheep lined up for the slaughter, they gather in droves to attend Black Friday sales. There, the humans will procure unsightly sweaters for the nephew they never see, dresses for the niece too fat to wear them, home appliances for mother's domestic prison, gift cards for unappreciative sons, and books about the civil war for the father who stopped loving them years ago. But I digress.

Considering the dysfunctional state of your society, the human desire for escapism is something I really do relate to. And when it comes to taking a break from the utter disappointment that is your life, you could do much worse than games. Unless, of course, you're talking about the ones featured here.

Above: This year, a human shopper stormed a Los Angeles Wal-Mart on Black Friday, using a can of pepper spray on fellow customers while hunting for an Xbox. Merry Christmas 

7. I Love Horses: Rider's Paradise

Why do human girls dream of horses? Is it because our strong backs offer more stability than their jobless fathers? Are we more nurturing than their chain smoking mothers?  Do we help them become more attractive to boys? The answer to these questions is yes. But the veracity of these truisms does not excuse the insult to horses represented by titles like I Love Horses: Rider's Paradise.

Preying on the pastoral fantasies and pony wishes of its target audience, Rider's Paradise tries to wrap the practice of horse care in a pretty box. But all the verdant fields and rainbows in the world won't stop this title from stumbling right out of the starting gate.

The embarrassingly bad English from the game's voice cast might not be so grating to the ears if the sound levels weren't so messed up and you could actually hear what they were saying half the time. Not that it'd really matter. This "plot-driven" title finds you playing a human girl charged with saving a farm in trouble. It's a story so lazy and contrived it feels like it might work better as the premise for an adult film.

To its credit, the game's unbearable single player campaign won't last long. Clocking in at a little over four hours, it's a short ride at best. But don't expect to get any satisfaction from returning to its stiff animations, simplified riding mechanics, and ridiculous green fields complete with butterflies.


Top 7


  • YuGiOhisbetterthanMagic - December 7, 2011 11:36 p.m.

    The first Harry Potter game for Gameboy was a brilliant RPG. Deathly Hallows part 2 (and one for that matter) is a terrible, broken, sad pile of refuse that has no right to exsist. where did we go so wrong?
  • igothitwithabulb - December 7, 2011 4:54 p.m.

    "plot-driven" I see what you did there.
  • Zepaw - December 7, 2011 4:51 p.m.

    Articles like this are why this site has my heart so completely. I want to try Blackwater just to experience the awfulness but then I would have to support the game by renting it and have its achievements on my account. Not worth it.
  • LaffPiranha - December 7, 2011 10:34 a.m.

    One day I shall make you my bride, Buttercup.
  • Demoneyes - December 6, 2011 5:41 p.m.

    I do not know GR. Barbie Horse Adventures for the 360 was one of the best games I have ever played. I might give I Love Horses for the Wii a go.
  • Myko - December 6, 2011 5:04 p.m.

    lol anything from ubisoft... period
  • ThundaGawd - December 6, 2011 5:29 p.m.

    Assassin's Creed: Revelations, that is all.
  • Zepaw - December 7, 2011 4:56 p.m.

    Child of Eden was Ubisoft. Oh lord I can't believe the length of the list of Imagine games that have been released. They have even moved into 3DS.
  • Yeager1122 - December 6, 2011 4:29 p.m.

    Thank goodness my family actually knows what crap games are.
  • talleyXIV - December 6, 2011 2:05 p.m.

    Or you could call it 7 Games You Most Not Want For Christmas... well if that made sense.
  • Japanaman - December 6, 2011 10:13 a.m.

    I'm still waiting for Ubisoft to release: Imagine Pimp Imagine Mafia Boss Imagine Secret Ops Imagine Secret Agent Imagine President Imagine Action Hero Imagine Super Hero
  • tacehtselrahc - December 6, 2011 7:48 a.m.

    What about MW3? I'd treat it as an insult if anyone who got me that for Christmas, and then I'd trade it in on Boxing Day for something that wasn't crap.
  • ZhugeLiang - December 6, 2011 7:34 a.m.

    Imagine: Imagine Game Designer
  • crazyqazqaz - December 6, 2011 7:16 a.m.

    It's games like those that really put me off when it comes to Ubisoft. I love the Assassin's creed franchise but the company needs to sort itself out and stop pumping out the sexist bullrubbish it is at the moment. The world would be a better place without it.
  • codystovall - December 6, 2011 6:24 a.m.

  • winner2 - December 6, 2011 5:20 a.m.

    People actually buy that horse crap? Just shattered my whole universe
  • jmcgrotty - December 6, 2011 2:01 a.m.

    Wow. Never saw the Blackwater game. It's pathetic that it was ever made (because of Blackwater, and not anything to do with the game). I probably shouldn't admit this out loud, but I have to admit that I played Train Simulator 2012 and didn't hate it. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't good and I would never pay for it, but it amused me in some messed-up-on-Nyquil way.
  • sirdilznik - December 6, 2011 12:49 a.m.

    B. Buttercup delivers the goods yet again.
  • NanoElite666 - December 5, 2011 10:05 p.m.

    "Tighten up the graphics on level 3?" Good lord, I never thought I'd hear/read that again.
  • sutrebla15 - December 5, 2011 9:19 p.m.

    Speak for yourself, I fuckin' love horses!

Showing 1-20 of 51 comments

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