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The Top 7... enemies that scuttle and jump at your face

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The Facehuggers from the Alien films are the archetypal enemies that scuttle and jump at your face. If these scuttling, jumping-at-your-face enemies had never been invented, video games would probably have 100% less scuttling enemies launching themselves in the general direction of your face area. Thankfully, not all the gaming imitations of these baby xenomorphs insert an embryo-laying proboscis down a protagonist's throat. Which just seems intrusive and not very hygienic. And a bit like perverted alien sex.

Look - a scientific diagram:

Here's a list consisting of seven enemies that scuttle and jump at your face. (But deliberately not including Facehuggers because they were made in movie land. Not game land).


7. Pregnators | Duke Nukem Forever

For all of Duke Nukem Forever’s multiple faults, for all of its titular character’s lumpen-headed galootishness, there’s only one area in the game that’s really downright unpleasant. Crudeness, you see, cannot possibly be truly offensive if it’s executed with knowing intent. Things with an ‘offensive’ tone only really become a problem if they’re done callously or without self-awareness. Most of Duke Nukem Forever is a case of the former. During 'The Hive' however, it sadly becomes very much the latter. And that’s mostly down to these little f*ckers.

Where Alien's Facehuggers, much like a lot of H.R. Giger designs, are creepy because of the subtly sexual connotations of their form and functionality, DNF’s Pregnators miss the point completely and go full-on genital-o-rama without a shadow of a hint of a soupcon of subtlety. Basically, they're a cock-and-balls on legs. They even spit white goo at you as a missile attack. You know, just generic white goo. Could be anything.

Could be, but it’s probably spunk.

Above: Yeah, it's an achievement of sorts, though one normally celebrated in the porn industry

Their narrative function? Filling Earth women with alien baby. Where Facehuggers hint at unpleasant sexual practices via allusion, Pregnators just get on with them. The actual impregnating process is never shown in the game, mercifully, but this concept art (which we're not going to post on the site) makes it very clear what these fellas are all about.

Makes the tentacle-cock face-thrashing they sometimes give Duke seem rather tame in comparison, doesn’t it?


6. Leapers | Resistance

Man alive these things are ugly. We mean, generally speaking, collectively, as a species, the Chimera aren't going to win any beauty contests. At least not in our Solar System. And Leapers are possibly the most butt-ugly of all the multi-eyed Chimerians. We doubt that even Disney with all its mastery in the arts of sugary cutefication could make a Leaper look lovable. Here's what a Leaper might look like before and after being Disneyfied:

Above: It's even singing a song. Regardless, it's still less appealing than a Styrofoam cup full of day old tramp mucus

In addition to being scuttly and possessing a tendency to jump at your face, Leapers also have the dubious honour of being one of the few video game 'characters' that have officially offended God. When the big man in the clouds found out that Manchester Cathedral was used as a shooting gallery in the first Resistance, lo he was pissed and sent a memo to his underlings, who subsequently cast fire and brimstone and claims of copyright infringement in the direction of Sony. The following video shows Leapers desecrating Manchester Cathedral. Ugly and sacrilegious. 

And there's even more ungodliness. If a Leaper has a nibble on someone that hasn't had the necessary vaccination, there's a good chance they'll turn into a Chimera. Just like vampires. Not soppy good-looking vampires for little girls to cry about. But proper evil vampires that want to eat your entire face off. Apparently, if you feel hot and have a craving for raw meat, you're infected and will be imminently turning into a Chimera. Either that or you're Jeffrey Dahmer burning in Hell.

Next page: Even more enemies that scuttle and jump at your face!

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39 comments

  • Radimir - November 14, 2011 2:43 a.m.

    I was hoping that headcrabs would make an appearance, and I was not disappointed. Taking down the Poison Zombies was the worst.
  • BWoods24 - November 14, 2011 3:15 a.m.

    Those horrible, horrible noises the black crabs make............(shudder)
  • StrayGator - November 14, 2011 3:24 a.m.

    I don't get it.
  • Peguin - November 14, 2011 3:35 a.m.

    One of the best articles i have read on the site. The cthulhu image cracked me up. Good work guys
  • jackthemenace - November 14, 2011 7:38 a.m.

    Agreed. If even the mighty Cthulhu is scared, then they're, truly, a force to be terrified of. I really do love you, Houghters and Cundy.
  • birdro - November 14, 2011 3:42 a.m.

    I can't read a bunch of stuff at the top because there's a vertical Shinobi ad where it should be stretching over the top, but the rest is quite nice.
  • Stabby_Joe - November 14, 2011 4:17 a.m.

    Headcrabs was pretty much the only way this article could go.
  • JayLin22 - November 14, 2011 4:25 a.m.

    OMG! How're you supposed to read the article with that demented Shinobi banner covering the first section of each page. Enough with the friggin ads and pop-ups already GR...
  • wingsdjy - November 14, 2011 6:17 a.m.

    Agreed. I'm sick of refreshing this damn page to get a different banner.
  • ShortFuse - November 14, 2011 4:40 a.m.

    Headcrabs.... Almost as bad as Groincrabs...not that I'd know.
  • ultimatepunchrod - November 14, 2011 5:14 a.m.

    The swarmers in Dead Space were the most annoying on this list. No others could make me go from having a great time to, "Oh Sh#@, Oh Sh#@, Oh Sh#@ get them off get them off get the o..I'm dead."
  • weezerbholly - November 14, 2011 5:17 a.m.

    I'm kind of upset goombas were not on this list.
  • DLSemen - November 14, 2011 6:43 a.m.

    Get rid of the goddamned Shinobi ad!
  • Hurricrane - November 14, 2011 7:07 a.m.

    This is an oddly specific Top 7... Also, anyone else have a fucking ad over the middle of the article?
  • Matt Cundy - November 14, 2011 7:23 a.m.

    Sorry to everyone that's having a problem with the Shinobi ad. Hopefully the men that can fix such things will fix it as soon as possible.
  • Rhymenocerous - November 14, 2011 8:39 a.m.

    So much scuttling and face juming-at. God I hate those black poison headcrabs...The horror...The horror...
  • Rhymenocerous - November 14, 2011 8:43 a.m.

    > Jumping < Noooooooooooooooooooooo!
  • lilspooky - November 14, 2011 9:58 a.m.

    Cthulhu! Nice! Those black head crabs scared the shit out of me the first time i played HL2.
  • CitizenWolfie - November 14, 2011 10:44 a.m.

    While it doesn't scuttle, I did like the brain worm in Limbo. The sheer panic of being unable to control Boy as he zombie walks to certain death when it first happens is unbelievable.
  • 510BrotherPanda - November 14, 2011 11:15 a.m.

    I don't like that there are no Metroids in this article, just because they don't have LEGS... They pre-date ALL of these entries, and were really based off of the Facehuggers...

Showing 1-20 of 39 comments

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