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Top 5 biggest rip-offs on the Wii

We hate to sound like cranky ass gamers incapable of embracing “The New,” but we’re just about ready to tell motion controls to f**k off. That initial ocean of vast futuristic potential, promising to turn our entire bodies into dignified instruments of control, has officially run completely dry.

Seriously, we too were once like this:


Above: Future Past 

Now much, much more like this:


Above: Future Present 

At this stage in the console war, the Wii’s an easy target. But contrary to what many of you are thinking, our problem isn’t that it’s underpowered, gimmicky, ransacked with shovelware, or even that Nintendo’s the only developer dedicated to harnessing the power of the Wii Remote, and only when they’re not producing games meant for a standard controller. Nay! There’s something far more diabolical going on… and it’s ripping you off.


Above: And no, we’re not talking about free Flash games rendered imprecise and expensive 

In these times of economic instability? The nerve! Herein lies the grift: Most Wii games achieving any amount of success (that don’t feature Mario, Tiger Woods, or a plastic guitar) are little more than facsimiles of mundane pastimes anyone could easily perform in real life (IRL), at any time, at a substantially lower cost. 


Wii Sports Tennis


Take for example the tennis craze kicked off by Wii Sports, generously packed in at the system’s launch. Here’s how much it costs today to get you playing Wii Sports Tennis with another person:

Not a bad deal. Perhaps that’s why the Wii has become the most successful housewife accessory since the Filipino pool boy: It offers an inexpensive solution to an activity they’ve always meant to do but never got around to. After all, gaming isn’t always about escapism. Maybe Casual McGamer doesn’t aspire to obliterate Locusts on Sera, solve puzzles with a portal gun, or BASE jump off the highest point in Liberty City?

BUT… Any the “casual” ratio of reward flies out the window when you add motion controls to an already easily accessible activity. “It’s like I’m swinging a tennis racket!” Well… because you are, dumbass. Only with all approximation, imagination, and skill level removed entirely. Your version of “escapism” is now avoiding a twenty minute commute to physically exert yourself over a bad game of tennis. Did you forget how much tennis cost in real life?!

Even annual club memberships average about $50 a year. After that, your investment is basically as much as you’re willing to spend on gas and dumbass shorts. So, at the bare minimum of IRL tennis preparation, here’s what you stand to lose in the motion controlled transaction:

Ouch! Obviously, the there’s some great stuff on the console, but judging by the sales of MadWorld, Dead Space: Extraction, and Okami, you don’t give a shit! And since Nintendo’s A, B, and C-List franchises already spent, there’s a damn good chance forgettable motion controlled nonsense could end up defining the Wii’s legacy. Let’s point and laugh at some more of the brazen digital gyps shall we?


Balls of Fury


Don’t look away just yet! It’s not all variations on tennis! Although, it was shortly after the Wii’s launch, a time you may recall when every morning news show had morons swinging digital rackets around like tennis was the second coming of Donkey Kong. You have to admit, it was something of a selling point for a while. And since it looked like everybody was making an easy buck on tennis, then skimming one off table tennis had to be even easier. Here’s a rather drastic example:

Yeah, we have no idea why a licensed title based on one of the most forgettable comedies written by two guys from The State (also the masterminds behind The Pacifier and Herbie: Fully Loaded, so that’s saying a lot) and one of the lowest rated Wii games ever is asking for more than Halo 3: ODST… but you can see it here for yourself.

Anyway, all that’s beside the point. It was a boring ass Ping Pong game, which coincidentally, makes it just as good as any Ping Pong game ever made. And it’s a fact: Should any unimaginable table tennis enthusiast want to parlay his craft into a gaming experience with another person, inexplicably via Balls of Fury, that is what it’d cost him at this very moment. But wait, there’s hope!

Oh my! Ping Pong at almost half the price of a Wii at launch. Kind of like if Power Wheels sold a Barbie Ferrari for more than a Ford F-150. And look at that: comes with paddles so you don’t have to buy controllers!

42 comments

  • Scotch - November 11, 2009 5:58 a.m.

    this is very lul, it dad make me sad though that i found out about nerf wii strikeforce is a game... about nerf guns. wow. and as i typed that you just mentioned it in the podcast XD
  • Xenos - November 9, 2009 3:45 p.m.

    Funny that I read this a few weeks after talking to friend (25 at the time) who you coulda mistaken as a rep for nintendo they way he was defending the wii as some sort of miracle workout machine. But what made it so bad is that he REALLY was convinced that the Wii is capable of delivering substantial work out results comparable to actually getting off your ass to do a real one. It was the most hilarious and sad thing I had ever saw, especially to hear form a 25 year old man.
  • gmilf71 - November 10, 2009 8:17 a.m.

    Yep. Plus the real versions are more fun.
  • patri0t - November 7, 2009 10:09 p.m.

    i guess you wii sports resort costs less than a real resort...but nevertheless, i loled
  • Hellhunter97 - November 7, 2009 9:06 p.m.

    2 things. the Wii sucks cuz of the graphics and controls and why change to motion cotroller when reguler controllers already kick ass.
  • protospasm - November 7, 2009 7:39 p.m.

    Not to Kanye on your Gimp-plug, nor Paint.net-drop; Pixlr.com has the best web based photoshop alternative there is.
  • Halestormx - November 6, 2009 9:10 p.m.

    Well I don't know about everyone else, but I was bored with the motion controllers gimick after about the 30th game of bowling. Hell my buddy had his wii for about a month B4 selling it to some sucker kid. Im sticking to my PS360! oh an I promis NOT to just run out and get natal unless there is something accually worth while about the integration into the games.
  • spookysocks - November 6, 2009 4:02 p.m.

    For some reason, this makes me wonna buy a nerf gun.
  • SausageLozenge - November 6, 2009 12:09 p.m.

    @Noblehouse We hate the Wii because We grew up playing Nintendo games. Do you remember Nintendo's quality seal of approval? Probably not.
  • Spybreak8 - November 6, 2009 8:57 a.m.

    Oh I almost forgot, does anyone remember a game (I think its called) Nerf Wars or something like that on the PC. Best arena shooter, I played that for hours and it never got old, powerups helped.
  • Spybreak8 - November 6, 2009 8:51 a.m.

    Hahaha great read, to the defense of all those moms and kids buying the Wii, it looks fun and you're active at the same time (flick flick)! I was thinking about getting it a while ago but unlike the 360 there isn't a vast game library. I do want to play Mario Galaxy though lol.
  • DigitalLover - November 6, 2009 7:46 a.m.

    Why didn't you put Personal Trainer: Walking for the DS on here. I might as well do a little quick comparison Game = $45 dollars DS = $120 DSL or $170 DSI as opposed to A Walking Speedometer = $15 Notebook = $0.99 - $1.50 Pencil = Roughly $0.05 each - $1 for a 10 pack Walking = Free You would spend about $167.50 more buying the game.
  • Hobojedi - November 6, 2009 12:42 a.m.

    If you get a Nerf gun, you'll really want to invest in extra darts to go along with it, they disappear really fast.
  • aatinko - November 6, 2009 12:25 a.m.

    Looks like someone is havin way too much funn! RT www.private-web.se.tc
  • TestDDs - November 6, 2009 12:08 a.m.

    This is more proof that the wii is a bunch of crap slapped together painted white then polished and given a motion control. Wii fit good damn it people you don't lose weight for that game. my friend has that and he plays it every damn day he is still in bad shape. If you people want to lose weight go and walk around or even better kick your neighbor's attack dog so it will chase you around that always works.
  • hardcore_gamer1990 - November 5, 2009 10:08 p.m.

    One of my friends is still maintaining that Project Natal is awesome... I sigh at teh thought :(
  • noblehouse - November 5, 2009 9:39 p.m.

    Why do people hate on the Wii so much? You know, if you don't like it you don't have to play it or read anything about it! Instead, you can stay in your hate filled world of HARDCORE first-person shooters and action games. You can blow everything up and jerk off as you watch back some 'awesome' head-shot you made for the 50th time. There is more to life than video games. All those sad xbox and ps3 pricks should get out more and try a little real life.
  • TheWebSwinger - November 5, 2009 9:23 p.m.

    I hate to be that guy, but this article could use some serious syntax editing. Everyone hates a poindexter. But the article's still hilarious, so kudos to you, Mr. Antista! Gettin' some good mileage out of that Minority Report 'shop haha.
  • shpongled - November 5, 2009 8:09 p.m.

    Wii bashing is all the rage now, and for good reason. Nintendo totally lost the plot when they all but took a backward step with their technology. The motion control is ok at best, just random and crap most of the time though. Oh and now they've released an addon that makes the motion control work as it should have done in the first place, AND the added bonus that you'll be buying even more batteries and poluting the environment. A games console made for non-gamers with an amazingly high ratio of shite games to ones even worth playing....
  • GameManiac - November 5, 2009 7:32 p.m.

    I agree with the Nerf gun related one. It's much more fun to use for real than in a game. Just ask my little brother!

Showing 1-20 of 42 comments

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